Unhelpful spouse?

Question

What would you do in this situation:
You're a woman, and also the breadwinner in the family. Your husband works (very hard at his job) but doesn't make much money. When it comes to the house and family, he's incredibly lazy, and will not take initiative to do ANYTHING (gathering up dirty laundry, emptying the overflowing kitchen trash, cooking dinner, any type of cleaning, changing the kids' dirty diapers, etc. I mean NOTHING). This has been going on for your entire married life (nearly 3 years) and after asking nicely, reminding nicely, asking not so nicely, then finally getting fed up, and downright nagging/arguing about it, he still won't change. You see that every once in a while, he gets a wild hare up his butt and finally takes some initiative, but these periods of "helping" are brief and fleeting.

What would you do? Try to talk with him about it yet again? Seek counseling? Threaten divorce? Is this common? Are ALL (or most) men like this? What to do?

An addendum: The husband WILL do things (emptying trash, i.e.) but only after being asked to do so...sometimes multiple times. Teenagers should have to be reminded that they have chores...not husbands.

I like the go on strike idea too! Unfortunately, I doubt this would work. I have two young children and if I left things lying around and didn't pick up after my husband, the boys would be into EVERYTHING. Also, if I refuse to wash his clothes, he'll never do it...or wait until his laundry pile grows legs and starts to walk away. Dirt and clutter is something that drives me NUTS. I fold his clothes for him, but he'll leave them in the laundry basket on the bedroom floor for two weeks...usually until the basket is empty. This drives me nuts.

Answer 1

The problem is that you are expecting him to do something that is not important to HIM..........
My therapist told me once that she asked her husband to fix her garage door for about a year. Nothing happened. Finally one day, he started using her side of the garage and lo and behold.......he fixed that door. Get it?
Find what's important to HIM and take it away. For most of us one thing comes to mind.......but let's be serious and you think of what will work for YOUR husband. What matters to him? Does he understand that a clean house and just simple HELP from him is very important to YOU? Tell him that by him doing those things it tells you that he loves you. tell him you don't feel respected or particularly loved by his inaction.
Ask him what things could you do for HIM that he would like? Tell him that you will start to make some sacrifices (things that matter only to HIM) if he can make some sacrifices for YOU. I think it's also good to point out that he has to set a good example for his children. They learn from their parents.
Our therapist also had us to an exercise between sessions once: each of us asked the other to do some specific task for the 2 solid weeks without being asked (anything you want, even if it's simply refraining from a certain behavior). During those 2 weeks, we really felt so warm and fuzzy because we each knew the other was really doing something just for them! We knew the other was sacrificing something to make the other happy and it really made me want to do more for my spouse, and vice versa.

No most men are not like this, some are. And sure.....after you've tried what I mentioned, get counseling. Trust me......it can't hurt to try it, if it bothers you enough to get on here and ask us.

Answer 2

Sounds like he's not interested in being helpful. I'm a guy and if I ever tried that with my fiance, well let's just say it wouldn't be pretty. Just kidding actually. I am physically challenged so am not the greatest help around the house either. But I do try and be of as much assistance as possible, unload dishwasher and her and her daughter put away dishes. Load dishwasher, do laundry the odd time but find too many stairs.

Perhaps if you stop feeding him then he may be in a more negitating type of mood. I don't think it's right that you should be forced to do everything and in today's day and age this is just not acceptable. Maybe he grew up in a home where his mother did do all the housework and he is trying to emulate his father, I don't know.

Counselling as you suggested might be a good idea. Threatening divorce may just make matters worse and make you appear to be the bad guy. Best of luck getting your man to be of help and I truly hope that you are successful in this endeavour.

Answer 3

It doesn't matter who is making the most money if you are both working the same amount of time. You both have the same amount of time at home and both have to contribute to the daily/weekly chores.

You love him, right. You knew he wasn't a clean freak when you married him. So, having the house clean and chores done are more important to you than they are to him. That doesnt mean that you should do all of them, but that you should have that perspective as you approach him about them. Talk to him and tell him that you love him and you need his help. Don't feel guilty about asking him to do stuff, tell him that since he cannot think of things to do on his own, that you need to remind him and that you are going to do so in the nicest way possible, but that you would appreciate not having to ask him more than once. When you ask him, ask him kindly and ask him again kindly. Don't get to the point of arguing. Make sure to avoid saying "you need to do this" instead ask "would you please help with this" or "I need your help with this" or even "this needs to be done, would you help me so it is done faster". Be sure to praise him (not condecendingly though) when he does take initiative. Positive reinforcement. Tell him he's sexy when he helps you out. If he sees how happy you are when he does things too, he's more likely to do them. I know that these are things you expect him to do, and it is hard to appreciate him doing something that he should be doing anyway, but by being appreciative, it will inspire him to do more.

If you believe in God, pray for your husband. Ask God to help him have more initiative in household duties. Pray that he would soften his heart to your needs so you have more free time together.

Answer 4

I like the go on strike idea.....I don't know how good of an actress you are, & it truly stinks to have to resort to playing childish games. But most men are idiots when it come to household chores. I'd tell him, "Darling we are going to need make some severe budget cuts as I will be leaving my current proffession to become housewife. You have proven that you are simply not capable of taking on your half of the daily chores, after three years I accept that I can not change you, so this is what has to happen." He needs to be convinced that you simply can not live & thrive in a home that is in constant disarray. Of coarse counseling is an option, & I don't reccomend actually leaving your proffession. But if things don't change your resentment will eventually lead to divorce. BTDT.

Answer 5

Sweatheart all men are overgrown teenage boys. I have to tell my husband to do things for me. My husband and boys will walk by the trash bag sitting by the door and never take it out. They will see that the dishwasher door is open, but still put dishes in the sink. I will put their clean clothes on their beds and they will dig through the pile looking for shorts, but not put the clothes away. I can go on and on forever. Keep asking him and asking him to help you out with things.

Answer 6

I would stop cooking meals for him. Stop cleaning his clothes. Stop doing anything for him. Tell him your his wife not his mother. He can help you. If he really cared he would. I have never had to tell my husband to take out the trash or clean the house. He says it is his responsibility too. It may be good to get counseling, but try the above first. He can share household duties.

Answer 7

First of all, 3 years is a long time for waiting for hm to change. Sit him down and let him know what your issues are and tell him this is it. A marriage is a 50/50 deal. Tell him to either put out or get out.

Answer 8

I'm there 2 it sucks he just isn't the home cleaning take care of **** type of guy but he doesn't complain about what didn't get done either

Answer 9

Go on strike. Make a picket sign.