Ladies and Gentlemen...your opinion please!?

Question

Lots of men complain about lack of sex in their marriage....I feel like the only woman in the world that has that issue. He's always too tired, rather watch TV, has a headache (seriously!). I've been told by several men that I'm attractive, so I don't think that's the issue. I make very effort to get him interested, and despite what he says to the contrary, I make the first move 90% of the time. We are only in our 30's, but his lack of interest and passion makes me feel like we are an couple in our 70's. We have had fights about this; I have tried to tell him that I feel like I'm unattractive, rejected...he thinks I'm nuts. I love him very much, but I sorely miss the passion that was once in our relationship. He is a great husband and father, so I guess I should try to look beyond this....but, to me, sexual expression is a important part of a relationship. As we get older, I imagine the problem will get worse. I'm sick of being the one that always makes the effort...

So...am I crazy? A freak? Most married women I know would like a man with little or no sex drive. Sometimes I wish I didn't have one either....

I don't think he's having an affair...I know that sounds naive, but I've never seen any of the tell tale signs. I pay all the bills, so I would know if he was making any weird ATM withdraws, cell phone calls, etc. All the overtime at work is accounted for on his paycheck. He isn't dressing to impress anyone. The only time he is on his computer is when he is at work. He's home on time every night. If he's cheating, he's really good at it.

Answer 1

Honey, I can promise you that you aren't alone. Everything you said and have done--I have done. Everything you have felt-I have felt. I have lost weight, I have dressed more sexier, I have changed some much of myself...till I got lost somewhere. My kids even said I didn't look like their Mom anymore. I miss the cuddling, the kissing, the pinching, I miss that more than the actual act. Of course, I long for that to, but along with the sex, the touching and necking disappeared. It's like we can't even sit next to one another anymore. We are working on it, but I told him I had to have some kind-of-a affection, or it wasn't gooing to work. He professes his love, and swears that nothing is wrong, he just doesn't feel the want to anymore. Can't I be satisfied? .I feel like, I am some horny needy crazy woman. So, I know exactly how you feel. It's not you, it's them, and I wish I knew how to fix it, because believe me I would do it for both of us. I love my husband totally, and we have been together for nearly 27 years, and up till last year...the bedroom was always hopping. Then it got to be once a month for 2 months....then nothing...He just lost interest in sex, not me, that's the answer I get from him. He won't go to the doctor, because we are just in a rut. He's prefectly happy never to make love again...and I ain't happy...but can I do..leave him for sex? So, I am dealing with it by saying that this is just a "sickness" part of our marriage vows. I would rather be with him without sex. Then having sex with someone else. So if you find a cure for this besides divorce----PLEASE let me know. I even thought about getting some spanish fly..that's wrong...but crap, I need the cuddling, hugging, smooching to really feel loved. I know he loves me, but I love it when I do get a occasional kiss or hug. I didn't sign up for this when I got married, sleeping single in a double bed...but I not ready to give up yet....I hope you are to busy with the hubby in the bedroom to read all the answers you get, but if you aren't and you are ready these...please know you aren't by yourself...it's not you...it's definietly him! We just got some husbands that love us, and no sex drive...we have bad luck LOL ...if you find a support group, or if you start one, be sure to send a invitation to join....God bless us all.............

Answer 2

You're not alone...my husband is the same way. It started when I became pregnant with our first son, and has gone downhill ever since.

We used to be (before pregnancy) one-a-weekers, which is perfectly fine with me. I think any more often than that makes it less special. Anyway, during my first pregnancy, he said he was "freaked out" by having sex with the baby right there. Fine...I'll give him that much. Found out a few months into the pregnancy he was getting into online porn. (I won't go into this because it's an incredibly long [and somewhat sore subject] story) To make a long story short, that has stopped, and was a problem on his end...not because of anything I was doing or not doing. Things *sort of* got back to normal after our son was born, then I got pregnant again and the same thing happened all over. Finally we had a huge blowup fight and he basically told me that we'd have sex when he was ready. If he wasn't in the mood, then he wasn't in the mood. I told him that I have never heard of a couple who were in the mood at the exact same time. That was the whole purpose of foreplay. He just shrugged. So, we're down to about twice a month now, and I'm not happy. I've initiated sex exactly THREE times since we've been married (almost 3 years now) and twice I was refused. (Too tired, not a good time, and my personal favorite [and most common] not in the mood.) I'm really to the point where I'm fed up. I'm not a slob. I'm average size, clean, attractive...so what gives? Is it because the "newness" has worn off? I agree with you that sexual expression is important in a relationship. It's not the MOST important, but it IS important nonetheless.

I'm sort of stuck here. When he finally IS in the mood (oh joy! oh joy!) I'm usually not. I'm tired from working all day and being a mom and all the housework, blah blah blah, and sometimes I'm just NOT in the mood and don't feel like having sex, but I do anyway...just because our sex life is so sporadic, God knows when my next chance will be.

It's incredibly irritating, to say the least.

Answer 3

Boy do I ever know how you feel. You definitely aren't crazy or a freak! I have gone through the exact same thing and so have several of my girlfriends. I know why this is bothering you...it feels horrible to be shot down sexually, esp. by your husband!

Maybe it has to do with the fact that mean peak sexually in their teens and women peak in their late 20's and 30's?

For me it happened practically the same day the wedding ring went on. When we were dating we had an unbelievable, passionate sex life...then shortly after it fizzled and although I still craved it very much, he didn't seem to feel the same. And just like you, I would be the one making the first move 90% of the time.

I think I figured out why my husband was uninterested...he works from home and I work in an office. So while I was at work he would watch porn and masturbate. Then when I got home from work, he wouldn't want to have sex because he had already "taken care of business". Right now I'm on mat leave so this isn't so much of a problem at the moment, but I suspect that when I go back to work, it'll start all over again : (

I hope you get some responses from men, cause I'd love to hear what they have to say.

Answer 4

Something has gone awry, that needs to be fixed. And soon. And no, you are NOT a freak for wanting to have intimacy with your husband. That is what sets marriage apart from all other relationships. Heck, you can get a roommmate anyplace!

The rejection you feel will continue to erode on your esteem until you have none let. You may even need counselling. But your husband DEFINATELY does.

Maybe it's physical with him; he might be embarrassed. He needs to see his DR. to make sure. There is medication for such things, as Im sure you well know. But diabetes can cause this, too, and that's nothing you want to mess with. And if that's the case, then the two of you will have to figure out other ways to be physically intimate where you both will be satisfied.

It could be physchological. Maybe he's cheated & feels guilty. Maybe he's holding in anger towards you & this is how it's being displayed. He may be trying to control you and this is a means of doing so.

You can't force him. So if he won't discuss this with you, or do something about it then you have some serious decisions to make. He is breaking his marriage vow to you. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Only you can answer that.

Answer 5

There seem to be plenty of women and millions of men in your position, myself included. I laughed at the poster who said she'd initiated three times and been rejected twice, If I intiated 10-12 times in 2 months, I'll be rejected all but once -if I'm lucky. If I don't initiate for a few months, nothing happens.

In some ways I think its tougher for women in this situation because they think its supposed to be the other way, I guess men are taught to expect sexual rejection more often, though it still hurts when its continuous. On the up side, when women complain of this problem, people invariably suggest the problem is her husband, wheras if men complain about this, people normally suggest they are jerks or not helpful enough at home. Most of us know this is a joke - we've tried everything.

I have no suggestions, basically. Been married for 7 years, and if anything, its gotten gradually worse over time. The only times in our relationship we had frequent sex were the first 3 or 4 months, and when trying to conceive.

Answer 6

Sex is always a hard topic.... it could be many things already said. Newness has worn off, he's having a problem in that area he doesn't want to talk about, or his sex drive is just not like yours. I am relectant to say he's having an affair. I think sometimes people jump to that assumption too soon. If your sex life was healty before children then I would say it's because of your status. I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean you're a "mom" now. He sees you in a different way. You're no longer his sexy sex-loving wife. Your are the mother of his children and sometimes when that happens it's not that he stops wanting to have sex with you it's because you're viewed in a different light. It's hard to really explain, but most importantly it has nothing to do with you as a woman. My suggestion would be counseling. If he really loves you and sees this is hurting you he'll do it even it it's reluctantly. Good Luck and don't give up until you're all out of options.

Answer 7

HOLY COW! My husband wants to meet you! LOL We are about the same age and I can tell you that my sex drive has increased in the last couple of years. It seems like my husband's goes down and mine goes up. I love him more than the world but.... I need the sexual activity in addition to the responsible husband and father figure at home. I had to find an outlet somewhere, so I did. Not saying it's for you but it is an option. You may even find(as I did) that your husband would find it exciting for him also if you did. Some men are into their wives being sexual creatures.

Answer 8

I think sex plays a big part in a marriage. It's the closeness and being just the 2 of you that I like. Have you ever asked him or do you think he could be having an affair? I'm not saying that he is I'm saying that sometimes that if you're not getting it someone else is. But I'm like you I like my love making. Good luck and I hope everything works out.

Answer 9

Be grateful.
Get a hobby.
Leave him alone. He'll let you know when he wants some. You just need to clean the house, cook, go for a jog, or something. Get your mind out of the sack and do something constructive. People put far too much emphasis on sex. You can have intimacy without sex and it is far better. Try to connect with him on another level.

Answer 10

OK~Yes it is a HUGE problem~not the only but a big part~I just went through all of this~I to have received nothing from my man as well~and he is 27 yrs old~I am 29~and felt as if I was the only woman alive going through this too~OK~sorry to say but our relationship did not make it~however your married~try talk with him~no yelling~ask him for consoling~let him know this is a huge problem with you~cause yes after a while if he pushes you away you do lose self confidence~no matter how sexy you know you are~when the one you love refuses~you think it is you~my man wouldn't go to consoling for us~then i knew that i did not mean to him what he meant to me~but we were not married~with kids~I'm telling you try consoling~work this out~because it will grow bigger and bigger~soon one of you will be regretting alot!!! Good luck!!!!!