Married women, I need your help and advice? My husband's addicted to internet porn. Please no rude responses!

Question

I don't mind so much when he looks at the porn when I'm not home, but I've learned that he does it when I'm asleep in the next room too. It really upsets me cause I feel so disrespected.

We recently had a baby and I'm still carrying around some of my pregnancy weight which has affected my self-esteem. I still look good & know I'm not fat, but I'm bigger than I used to be and am working really hard to lose the rest of the weight. So when I catch him looking at these girls on these porn sites, it just crushes me. We have an active sex life, at least a couple times a week, so I don't know why he needs to look at this crap.

I've sat down with him and explained how I feel & how much it hurts me when he does watches this sh!t when I'm home, and he promised he won't look at it as long as I'm in the house. But he continues to do so. It's at the point where I can't sleep peacefully.

If anyone has gone through this, please let me know how you got past this. No mean comments please!

He used to look at it before the baby too, but never when I was home.

Answer 1

I was in the same situation as you when I was pregnant with my first son. Things *sort of* went back to normal (sex resumed somewhat and the porn stopped) then started all over again when I became pregnant with my second son.

At least your husband still has sex with you!! When my husband was heavily into online porn, I was practically non-existant in the bedroom. To him, I wasn't much more than someone to warm the bed.

I can't tell you how many times we went round around about this. I couldn't get a clear answer as to WHY he was doing this. It wasn't me, how I cared for myself, something I was (or wasn't!) doing...NOTHING. I even sought counseling, and my phschologist (I love her!) told me that pornography addiction is incredibly common among men, and that it was absolutely nothing that I had done or caused to start. Anyway, all my husband could tell me was, "I don't know. I don't know!" I cried, I screamed, I played good cop/bad cop, I even sat down one day and wrote him a six-page typed, single spaced letter letting him have it. I wasn't berating him or anything...just telling him how I felt when I realized he looked at porn and neglected me. Nothing worked. NOTHING worked. It finally stopped shortly after I had our second child. I was with the baby in the bedroom (he was only 2 or 3 weeks old at the time) and my husband was out in the den with our 16 month old son. I hear our son crying and whining and just basically causing a racket. I got up to find him in his room tearing every diaper he could out of the changing table, throwing his toys around...just being destructive and bored. I looked into the den, and my husband VERY hurriedly turned off the computer, was white as a sheet of paper and trembling uncontrollably. He really looked like a deer in the headlights. Oh, I layed into him then. What he wants to do on his time is his business, but when he's supposed to be watching our 16 month old son, and he neglects him for f*cking porn...that is IT. It stopped after that. I threatened to leave him. It's either me and the boys, or porn. I believe he's had a slip up or two since then, but nothing major.

Go to www.no-porn.com (or maybe it's .net It's been a while since I've been there...they have great message boards though). Our sex life still isn't up to par, but I'd rather have him neglect me in the bedroom than go back to porn.

I know how you're feeling. Nobody can understand how this makes a woman feel until you've been in her shoes...and I have. :(

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Your husband discovered porn on the net, like everybody else, and he went "there". Now he's hooked. I am quite concerned for you. He isn't substituting your love life with porn, it's more like once a month he substitutes his porn for a little something with you. Porn is his main "lover". He's pretending he is getting those other women with porn. The happy chemical release guilt cycle of porn and masturbation is just like any other addiction. I'm also worried about this desire of his that he needs other women besides you, and that he is bored with your sex life. Porn is scripted, they are actors, and now he thinks that intimacy with a real woman should be acted out like a porn movie. But there is hope, because your husband told you a few things that at least were honest! In the worst cases the men will refuse to be honest. You need to ask him to stop completely, and to cut him off the internet unless you are near, using a password to block him out when you are gone. If he's a very loving person outside of this issue, then he will understand that he has a problem, and that giving you the control of computer use is not a control issue for you to control him, but rather that he relinquishes control to you, to help him stop. He has to agree to this, don't try to force him, or it will be a war. He won't be able to stop on his own. He needs your help.

Answer 4

Hi, sorry to hear this is going on in your home. Internet porn addiction is one of the fastest growing problems in the country; and should be taken very seriously.

Your husband has a problem and needs professional help. As with all other addictions he needs to hit the bottom or get a serious wake up call. It appears your attempts at talking to him have not been beneficial. How close are you to family? Would it be possible to move in with your parents for awhile?

The first step to his recovery is getting the internet disconnected from your home. Believe it or not, you can live without the internet. Then you both must get counseling. Also, check your local support groups. There are support groups for individuals with sex and porn addictions just as there are for alcoholics and drug addicts.

Good luck to you. There is no easy way out of this. It is going to take hard work on both your parts.

Answer 5

Well since you've already sat down and told him your feelings and he continues to look at these porn sites ... he is now flat out disrespecting you .... and your feelings ... !

It's not so much about him looking at porn now ... it's him not trying to make you feel better about your self and your relationship.

You said it yourself it didn't bother you before ... well it is now because you've already expressed to him how it makes you feel and your spouse should always want to make you feel good ... not break you down emotionally ... !

It might not be so bad if he looked at these girls every now and then but for him to do it behind your back after you asked him not to is wrong. Sure guys are going to be guys and look at porn but when it's hurting your spouses self-esteem, self-worth & confidence they should stop or try to come up with something that will work for the two of you.

It wouldn't hurt him to be a little bit more sensitive to your needs now .. I would have another talk with him and tell him how you feel now that he hasn't tried to compromise with you .... and go from there .... !

Answer 6

Sweet,
Listen to Shelley, she is right on the money. It sounds like he has an addiction. And it is NOT ABOUT YOU....I am so sorry, your poor feelings must be destroyed. You sound like a wonderful person, and you should not rip yourself apart when honestly it is not that he is not pleased with you at all. I promise. Addictions can tear apart families. Seriously. And you may not think this qualifies, but it does. It can be just as damaging as any type of other addiction. You can't fix this yourself, he would still look if you were in perfect shape, and drop dead gorgeous. Reach out, get help, its the only way. But don't take it persoanlly. Good luck

Answer 7

first-not married-but was-and they ALL look at some-ALL guys
i have no problem with it, i even let(took years to figure this out) my bf go to strip club-few times, you know why-its all looking/dreaming. like when i watch "legends of the fall" or read a good book. granted alot cruder, but hey there men. As for not respecting you by being in house-thats IS wrong and agree with you. I would not worry, but if it bothers you and it does-think this-is going out to bars better or the "working late" hubby-all that. It can ALWAYS get worse girl, lil free porn-hope he isn't paying-Does that really hurt in end? He is coming home every nite to YOU. Plus, some guys need alot of stimulation-but thats another whole issue-and i KNOW we vary on that answer. Be good

Answer 8

Hi
I am a married Man and me and my wife have a four year old handsome baby boy. Now I have at times went in my den next to our bedroom and watched porn on the Net and YES my wife when she came over after putting my son to sleep expressed the same concerns, after having a through conversation with her I now do not watch porn on the Net anymore. Well I used to watch it when I was unable to have sex with my wife now that our sex like is ok I am no more attracted to the vitual pleasure. I am 100% sure its the same thing with ur hubby, try to spice up ur sex life buy a sexy lingerie prepare his favourite dinner aand then have sex with his favourite positions , take it from a man he will not watch porn if he is satisfied with u. However if this fails I strongly sugges u give him professonal councelling for the sake of ur family, Good luck
Rommel

Answer 9

That's one of the main reasons that I did not want us to get a computer. But, we've had one for a year and a half now. He looked at it more at first. But, since he's discovered the joy of shopping, he doesn't seem to have time for it anymore. I think the trick is in misdirection, just like magic. What you do is this... Go to Ebay first (It's the best place to find everything obscure) you can set up a user account for free, as long as you don't sell. Then, look up whatever he's into (besides porn) like toy cars, action figures, car parts, memorabilia from his favorite movie. Anything that you know he will say,"Cool, I haven't seen one of those in years" to. Then, he will have fun looking up childhood memories instead of nasty naked freaks. My hubby buys all kinds of crap on Ebay, then pays for it with paypal. He loves shopping without having to waste gas. I bet yours will like it too, and you'll get some nice stuff too. I do. ;)

Answer 10

I dont put up with it at all.No porn in my house whatsoever.If the guy is single then I get the reason behind it but when a guy has a woman then I think it is very disrespectfull.I have been through all that crap already and my husband knows I wont put up with it at all.I am sure he misses it but oohh well.He does respect me in my house.You need to get the rules straight and enforce them.Sometimes you have to compromise but find a way or you will stay miseriable and upset.