tell me a joke people'make me laugh;we all need to lighten up.?

Answer 1

A Psychiatrist
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named you daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Answer 2

Ok This is a bit long, but it made me laugh.

Steve decided to buy himself a secondhand motorbike. It was a pretty good deal, except one of the seals was missing. So whenever it rained, he would apply some vaseline to the spot where the seal should be to stop the rainwater getting in.

Anyway, one evening, his new girlfriend invited him to dinner to meet her parents. When he drove up on the bike she was waiting outside for him, and said "Whatever you do, don't say a word inside. We've had this silly argument about washing-up and the first person to speak has to do the lot".

When they got inside, Steve saw it was as bad as she said. Nobody was saying a word, and dirty dishes were piled high in the kitchen.

Dinner was certainly an uncomfortable affair, no one saying anything. So Steve decided to have a little fun. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her across the table, and had sex with her there and then. Her Mum looked shocked and her Dad furious, but no one said anything.

Five minutes later, Steve, got up, grabbed Mum, threw her on the table and gave her a similar seeing to - girlfriend looked shocked this time, dad even more furious, but still not a word.

Suddenly there was a clap of thunder from outside and it began to rain. Thinking of his bike, Steve grabbed the vaseline and jumped out of his chair.

Dad also jumped out of his chair, yelling: "Oh, for Christ's sake. Alright, I'll do the fu**ing washing up!"

Answer 3

http://www.candointeractive.com/prototypes/FortuneTeller.htm

Guts vs. Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS -

Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS -

Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

There is a factory which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8 a.m. At 8:45 a.m. there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.The Personnel Manager suddenly bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics and tears from laughter streaming down his face, he pull himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job isto give Elmo two test tickles".

Don`t feel down, think of positive things x

Answer 4

Around Christmas time, the binmen are wanting tips from the people they collect rubbish from so begin knocking on doors saying "Happy Christmas I'm your binman". They receive an odd 50p or £1 coin for their troubles.

There are three of them, the driver, the collector and the one who pushes the button to break down the rubbish.

The button pusher goes to one house and says his line "Hi, Happy Christmas I'm your binman. She asks what job he does and he tells her. Without a word, she takes him upstairs and gives him a good seeing to.

He goes back outside with a smile on his face and says to the collector, I'd go to that house if I was you.

The collector goes to the lady's door and is greeted with the same response as the button pusher. She asks him his job then takes him upstairs and gives him a good time.

Back outside, they tell the driver as they know he'd like some of what they've had.

The driver excitedly knocks on the lady's door and introduces himself. "Happy Christmas madam, I drive the bin van". She says just a moment... and returns and presses a £1 coin into his sweaty palm. "I don't understand" he splutters, the button pusher and the collector got a good seeing to.

"I'm only doing what my husband told me to" she replies.....
"He said 'Give the driver a quid and fook the other two'"!

Hope you liked x

Answer 5

Jack & Jill went up the hill for some Hanky Panky
Sill Jill forgot her Pill
& now there's Little Frankie

Answer 6

Q: Why did King Kong climb the empire state building?

A: To get his kite.

Answer 7

There are 2 goldfish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says

'How the hell do you drive this thing!'

Answer 8

Guy 1 - "What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"

Guy 2 - "I don't know."

Guy 1 - "Then I'd sure hate to see your shower curtain."

Answer 9

The bloke who met a fairy who granted him his wish that his "dinkie" would touch the floor. The fairy cut his legs off.

Answer 10

a cheese sandwich walks into a pub and the barman says im sorry we dont serve food! heeheeheeehee!!!!!