Is this normal?

Question

I recently found out my husband cheated on me while out of town 8 months ago. We are trying to work things out, but in the meantime we are having sex every chance we get. I feel like I'm trying to prove to myself that he is mine, like maybe I can erase what happened. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Should I fight the sexual urge to concentrate on emotional right now, or just count it as a good thing I do still want him in bed?

We haven't gone to counseling yet. We have talked about everything very openly with eachother. I do trust that this was a one time thing, and I do believe it won't happen again. He was overseas for almost a year and a half when this happened. I believe if he had been at home it never would have We've been married for 6 years.

Answer 1

Ok,
Step 1 trust yourself.
Step 2, ignore the barrage of ‘once a cheater…’ and such that this post will inspire.
Step 3, listen to my rational, unemotional, non-knee-jerky advice:

How was your relationship during the 8 months that you didn’t know about his cheating? Was he as you had always known him to be? The answers so far are probably ‘normal’ and yes.’ If this is the case, then he probably had the least damaging kind of cheating possible. Sex related.
To a man, sex is a pleasurable physical experience. A relationship is a source of love and strength. One can have absolutely no effect on the other because they are completely separate things to us.
To women, sex is still physically enjoyable, but it means something about love and respect and feelings and…. Well, I could continue the ands forever, but the point is that there are a lot of attachments in the female perspective that are absent in the male. We do agree, on relationships, though.
Ok, now back to step 1. You are reacting the way that feels right to you. you may be unsure of your reasons, but you are correct none-the-less. You love your man and this affair that he had is producing positive behaviors from you. trust that. Don’t give in to slogans about cheaters always cheating and showing that you are weak if you give him a second chance.(step 2) It is hog wash.
Only you and your man know if your relationship is worth working through this. The only caution I have for you is that, though you may prove your superiority in bed, no quantity or quality of sex will guarantee fidelity. The reason men cheat has nothing to do with how good or how much they get at home but has a lot to do with the desire for variety and the trill of the first time. Neither of these are things that you can provide. Keep things in perspective and do what feels right to you.

**Edit**
Wow! I am proud of this batch of answers. Usually the majority of people urge you to end your marriage and spout a lot of junk. Heck, even though I wrote one of the answers, I don’t envy you the task of choosing a best answer.

P.S. also, I forgot to include the marriage counseling thing. That would be good. Most divorces could be prevented if people would exhaust clinical options first.

Answer 2

By "work things out", I hope you mean going to marital therapy.
He needs a swift kick in the butt and he needs to know how much he hurt you. This should come out in counseling. If not, then what's going to keep him from doing it again? How will you trust him. The only way you work things out, fairly to you, is through marital counseling. Please go if you aren't.

In the meantime, whether you are acting out because you are
like a dog marking your territory or because you want to prove to him that you're woman enough or trying to make him so worn out he won't seek console with another woman... pick one of the above reasons or all- whatever's going on works for you and so keep doing it. As long as you are healing the inside emotions that you have through therapy, you should do all right.

Good luck! -- It's so hard to forgive and forget when a spouse is unfaithful. It is soooooo stupid and so selfish. It took me years before I could trust my boyfriend again. But, I think if he hadn't had his "fling", I'd respect him and cherish him more. If definitely
took its toll. At this point, I don't know if I want to marry him.

Answer 3

You should not even give him the privelage of sleeping with you, cheating is horrible and there is no excuse for it at all. Period. He is lucky you are even speaking to him at this point, I would have been long gone if my man did that to me. I told my boyfriend from the beggining straight out "If you feel the urge to be with another woman please do not cheat on me, break up with me and then go be with whoever you want but do not cheat because although breaking up with me would hurt, cheating would tear my heart into tiny pieces". You know what he said? "Please give me the same courtesy". So now we have an agreement I guess. I just can't tolerate cheating, I hate cheaters because like I said, there is no excuse and like someone else said, it is very rude.

Answer 4

just be yourself... dont worry about what loosing him , dont have sex with him to "keep" him.. if your romance has rekindled and there is a spark back in your marraige then that is a blessing.. but if its just because he cheated on you, then you are fighting a loosing battle!!!! you cant erase what happened, you can forgive but my dear if you forget then you are a fool! forgiving is the utmost important if you want to get back to a healthy relationship, however when we forget we open up to have it happen again! and Im sure you dont want that. He needs to know that you will not be treated that way. But also, dont make sex the reason why he cheated.. because 9 out of 10 times it doesnt matter how much you give them, it doesnt mean they wont cheat!
I never in three years of being with my ex husband turned him down for sex, I did everything he wanted.. but when it came down to it, he cheated anyway!.

goodluck

Answer 5

You're right on the part that you're just having sex with him because you're trying to prove something. It's also perhaps a struggling attempt to hold things together, seeing as how your husband cheated on you (something I assume having to do with sex) you're using the same thing to keep him. I think you should find out why he REALLY cheated on you, and see if you can do that. If the reason was because he wasn't getting enough with you, well, you're already working on that. But if things are still shaky, it should be something else...

Answer 6

well, ain't he a lucky guy? He did you wrong and you're rewarding him by sleeping with him 24/7.... He probably is thinking " why didnt I think of this before uh?"
I know am being insensitive but I just don't understand ...well, sorta...you are in denial sweetie, you're hurt and for some reason you equate sex with control.. you regaining control and power over the situation. Well, its not that simple and you know that.
Talk to your two-timing husband and go to therapy or the situation is going to get worse.

Answer 7

If statistics over the last fifty years are any measure, it is actually quite normal for men to cheat. If his getting caught this time stops his extramarital adventures, then count yourself lucky. As for the increased intimacy that you and he are presently enjoying, it's a way for him to reestablish his bond with you and a way for you to demonstrate that, while everything isn't completely resolved over this matter, at least you are willing to forgive him. Besides, sex is wonderful, and life is short...enjoy every opportunity for pleasure that you get. Blessings!

Answer 8

People react to this differently...Some women find the man repulsive whilst others want to keep him so they try hard....I think cheating can be worked through and you deal with it your own way although do make him aware that his behaviour will not be tolerated ever again and make sure he is actually sorry... Counselling...

Answer 9

what ever he does he is your husband i think u agree that, and that's why u still like to have sex with him. if u think that he is cheating u try to make him a good person because you both were together. and now this cannot be the reason to be separated.

Answer 10

You're feeling a little threatened... well until it's time for you to talk, do it, nothing wrong with it, you're married, though. It actually might help to make him realize he's having it much better at home..
Then if he does it again, you can actually let him miss it, and feel how's like to not have it... I don't know if this will help at all...