I fathered a daughter with my former girlfriend but we never married. I was in a foreign country persuing my postgraduate studies so she got married to another man. She later confessed the truth to me but it was rather too late. The last time I saw my daughter was 8 years ago. She is now 15 and a 2nd year in a secondary school. I ocassionally communicate with the mother concerning her but secretely. I don't have any immoral intention with my former girlfriend nor want to destroy her marriage. I don't want her husband to know this as that would jeopodize their marriage and even risks my life. However, I cannot resist the urge to talk to my daughter and tell her the truth. I want to support her materially and in her studies. Please advise me how I can approach my daughter.
2006-08-07 18:51:52 · 22 answers · asked by Phillo 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This is so sad, I am amazed that at 15 years old her mother hasn't had the decency to tell your daughter that you keep in contact about her.. I am sorry that you have to make secret enquiries as to your daughter's wellbeing for fear of jeopodising your daughter's mother's marriage and for fear of what the husband may do to you. Ask yourself this question " Do I really want my daughter living with such a man?". You sound as if you would make ten of him. Your ex can't have much of a marriage if she feels she is unable to tell him that her daughter's real father is taking a fatherly interest in her. Do not let this man poison your daughter's mind against you, remember that would be easy because as far as your daughter knows you haven't made contact for 7 years - in her mind that only means one thing - YOU DON'T CARE ( when infact you know you do ). Maybe there is some professional advice you can take before making your decision. I really hope that you are able to solve this so that you can play a major role in your daughter's life.
2006-08-07 19:54:59 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Who does her current husband think the father of this girl is? Did your ex tell her current husband that he was the father? If she had the child before he came into the picture, why would that jeopardize their marriage? He knows there was someone before him. If anything, he should be grateful that you want to step up and be a father to her and help her out financially.
Does your daughter think her "step-father" is her actual father? If she does, then I think it is her mother's responsibility to tell your daughter who the father really is. It is not fair that such a burden be put on you when you didn't even know you had a daughter for several years. The mother was the one who kept the truth hidden from both of you. The burden lies with her.
I would pressure the mother into telling the daughter the truth. Tell her that if she doesn't tell her daughter by a certain date, that you will. But if that happens, reassure your daughter that had you known she was yours, you would have been involved in her life from the beginning.
Good luck with this one.
2006-08-07 19:05:20 · answer #2 · answered by kjsgoofy2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are really that concerned about hurting their relationship and risking your life, dont' contact her. It woudl be best if the mom told her when she was 18..if she ever found out at all. Its not as if you ever knew your daughter, so you have almost no claim to her, whatsoever. Sorry.. Approaching her will devastate her life...my best friend went through a situation like this and it crushed her. She hasnt' been the same since. If you want to support her, send child support to the mother. That way, you can feel involved and maybe the mom will let you know what's going on in your daughter's life.
2006-08-07 18:57:10 · answer #3 · answered by mlove1307 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You let 7 years go by without contact. That is something YOU did. You can make excuses. But that time was lost due to YOU. It's too late now. So you do have "immoral" intentions by trying to get back into your daughters life now. Sorry to be blunt, but that's how I see it. Don't try to pass blame to your ex, just as much belongs to you. The moment your ex told you, you needed to establish the relationship. That chance is gone. Going forward with this has consequences, be prepared for some anger, some pain and some punishment. On the other side, you can hope for good things, but there is no guarantee. Good luck.
2006-08-07 18:59:05 · answer #4 · answered by Sausage Fingers™ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Iunderstand your emotional plight and eagerness to acknowledge your kid. But do u think it would be fair to u and your daughter if your good intentions go wrong. It best to watch from a distance as long as u know she is living well and well cared for. Dont ruin her happiness for your emotional happiness, its not worth it , if your daughter have to suffer if your acknowlegement goes wrong. Just take it that u are a reserve player in a football team, while u have the right to play for the team but it will only be done when there is a need for the team. So, presently, u should do anything more than be a standby and u will come in only when there is a shortfall in her happiness or provision of her needs in life.
2006-08-07 19:39:45 · answer #5 · answered by lanks20032003 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Uh, does she know that you are her father, and not the man that she knows as Dad? I know that this is a painful topic for you, but seriously consider, would the revelation of this news help her or upset her family and world? I would wait until she was an adult if everything on her home front is safe, steady and secure...this is earth shattering news for anyone to absorb, let alone a hormonally unbalanced teenager. My vote is wait until she is 18. Good Luck, I am sorry to hear that this is a hole in your heart, I hope that someday she will be a part of your life.
2006-08-07 19:00:21 · answer #6 · answered by The Nag 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How old is the daughter who is with you? Is she old enough to understand this?
I do think eventually she needs to know.
You need to have a serious talk with your X girlfriend.
This is YOUR child and I believe you have the right to have her in your life. It it is eating away at you then it is time to do something about it. Perhaps start with a family counselor to make a good game plan. Do all witlh love and kindness. You don't want to destroy either of your daughters lives.
Proceed with caution and love
2006-08-07 19:10:00 · answer #7 · answered by clcalifornia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, you've waited this long, I suggest you continue communicating with the mom and when she's 21 no one will be able to stop you from being in her life.
It's not an easy thing to do, get some legal advise and approach this situation with your daughter's best interest at heart.
Good Luck, daddy
2006-08-07 18:57:54 · answer #8 · answered by Peach 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its not about you adults its about the child she needs to know the truth in life she could fall in love with her brother are cousin and not even know if home girl has a problem with her husband thats her problem she should have been honest and up front from the beginning let the truth began tell the your ex that you wants to be a big part of your daughter life and that she needs to sat her husband down and explain to him your need to be a real dad and get involve in her life that she has no intension of getting back with her are come between them good luck stand up and be a real dad
2006-08-07 19:04:35 · answer #9 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should not interfere in her life or her mother's life. When your daughter is old enough to understand the situation, then you can approach her. She knows one father. Don't destroy her life to satisfy your needs. Your ex-girlfriend didn't want you as the father of her child, and that is unfortunate, but don't hurt her to get what you want.
2006-08-07 19:00:50 · answer #10 · answered by william m 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋