How can I gain the strength to leave my man?

Question

I need to leave him. There are so many difficulties in our relationship. He needs help with many issues. Professional help. I love him, yet I can't stand his actions and choses not to get help with. He professes his love for me and I believe he does care and love me to the extent he could possibly love anyone. I don't know that he really knows what love is. The point is I need help in leaving a man I love because I can't stand being hurt, even if it is unintentional, anymore. I am a very strong woman, yet I can't find the strength to leave him. Stupidity? Love? I am only one person and I can't make someone change. I have supported him emotionally, yet he needs to take the next steps. How can I leave the man I love?

Answer 1

well put one foot in front if the other and soon you r walking out the door. don't look back ,all ways face forward, look for a brighter tomorrow .i hope things work out for the best / maybe if you walk away he will realize that he need help.that old song stand by your man ,how can you if they keep knocking you down/will i hop i help good luck in what ever you decide .

Answer 2

Depending on how long you've been going through these difficulties, you may find that one of these days you just get so you don't need to ask for help with courage to leave. You'll just reach some "dead-end point" where you know you're "there". The time could come soon if you're troubles have gone on for a long time, or it could come five years from now if they're fairly recent.

If he's not the potentially dangerous type, maybe you could just go stay somewhere and then tell him the two of you need some time apart to think out where things are going. If there's the chance he could be dangerous if you give him such a heads up then just take your stuff some day when he's out and leave.

Maybe you could decide ahead of time on a place to go. Ideally, it would be good if you could get yourself an apartment or a room somewhere, so you're not complicating the situation with being at a relative's house and deciding to return to him because its miserable in someone else's house. It would be good if you have your own car, your own credit card, your own cell phone, a job and a little money stashed away. If you don't feel ready to leave right now maybe start collecting the things I mentioned so you'll have them when the time comes and you need them.

If there are any children ask if this situation is healthy for them. If you're just living together ask why you'd stay anyway under the circumstances. Ask if the fact that leaving him would be so painful to you tells you anything about whether you're ready to leave or not. If you're married to him find an attorney as early as possible. Look at the life you have now and ask if its likely to get any better. Ask if you'll be happy living in a troubled relationship for the rest of your life. If you've ever had a parent or other person who cares about you, ask if they would want you to stay. Ask, too, if he has mental health issues or if he's just a giant jerk. Strong, understanding women tend to give the benefit of doubt to people and assume they have emotional issues; when sometimes someone is just a selfish, arrogant, jerk. Ask if the "love" you have between you is a matter of caring about each other but not what love should be or if its even just a matter of being used to having someone around and liking them enough that that type of relationship can seem to be enough and love.

If you are struggling with the whole thing maybe you should find a counselor-type to talk to. Maybe such a professional would have something valuable to offer you in terms of helping to sort things out and finding courage if that's what you need.

Best case, maybe you could separate for a while and eventually end up friends once whatever is in the relationship that's causing the difficulties is removed. Maybe time apart would help you both sort out what you want and what's worth what in life.

Finally, ask if this is a decision he'll never make because maybe he's satisifed with a borderline relationship and would be willing to let it go on forever just because he may be someone who has no courage. Sometimes being the one who is brave enough to make the decision the other person won't make is the best thing you can do for both of you. Try explaining that to him (if he's not dangerous). He'll either get it now or realize later that you were right and thinking of both of you.

Answer 3

I was in the same situation as you. Only, I was married to him and we had 2 children. He had mental issues (diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic) and he didn't want to take medication for his problem because it made him drowsy and he was a truck driver. Plus the fact that he was a recovering alcoholic didn't help matters any. He was always gone either because of work, "mentally", or at AA meetings. I know the vows say, "In sickness and in health", but my mental and emotional health was suffering too, and I couldn't concentrate on being a good mother if I had to put up with his problems too. I gave him an ultimatum, and I stuck to my guns. He didn't change, so I did. I contacted a paralegal who, very cheaply, handled my divorce. My ex and I have remained good friends, which is wonderful for our boys to see. My leaving him changed him for the better, though. He realizes how much he lost and he doesn't want to make the same mistake again. He is remarried to a wonderful woman, and he treats her very well.

Maybe if you leave, that will be a wake up call for him and want to change because his crutch (you) will be gone. But if you love him, don't be hasty to get into the dating mode again, just in case you decide to take him back. I wish I would have waited because my ex is a wonderful man. I would have taken him back, but I started seeing someone else right after the divorce thinking that my ex would never change, and upon seeing that, he found someone else and married her. C'est la vie! Good luck!

Answer 4

Try helping him with his issues instead of thinking on ways of how to leave him. Since you guys love each other very much n like you've said you're a strong person.....i bet you're also a positive person. Happy solving all problems n issues n may you have a blessed relationship.

Answer 5

first off, does you man even realize his need for professional help? yours really sound like a one-sided love affair, you doing and giving the loving, while he reaps from it. ever heard of co-dependency behavior? if you opt not to leave him, always turn a blind eye to his actions and justify such as somehting other than the truth, then it is not only him who needs help. love hurts. but you have to respect and love yourself more - that way, the leaving won't be difficult. lay your cards down. talk to him. state your decision with resolute certainty. how he will take it is up to him. but you have to let go. for your sake. take it a step at a time.

Answer 6

dear, when you know he is not for you, why r u thinking and spoiling each other's time. Give him some hints that both of you are not for each other. And then send him an e-mail or meet him in person, explain him that you are nt the correct person for him. You need somthing diff. And he needs some body else who will appriciate him. If you are not able to appriciate him now, do u think it will happen after marriage? Ask this to him. And be his friend if he wants to or else stop talking/meeting for the timing. As sometimes it's difficult..so talk to him openly.,..

Answer 7

well its simple, just LEAVE!....tell him it's been a tough battle and u believe its time for both of you to move on, u will always love him but going separate ways seems like the best answer. There's really no use in sacrificing your love and happiness for someone who you're not sure than loves you anyways, or love you to an extent as you say...its not worth it get rid of him....being in a relationship u not happy in is never worth it...hit the road woman!

Thats all i have to add

Answer 8

I want to let you know I am in a similar situation. It is hard I need to leave mine also but I feel like I will hurt him or he will hurt himself. But I dont want to be unhappy all my life. I think Im just scared I might be alone and that scares me. So I have to really think about this one really long and hard. If you ever want to talk to me email me and maybe together we can make it through this. At least try to understand our situations more.

Answer 9

you have taken the first step by admitting that you need to leave,,,the next step will be hard but you sound like you are strong enough to do it,,,walk away,,, do this for your own self esteem or you may lose what strength you have

Answer 10

Have you a place to go??? You need a place where family can buffer you from this person who lacks self-confidence and will tear down walls to get to you. Don't laugh..but..go to your local church(of your faith) and speak to the pastor or priest or whatever and ask for help. They WILL give it...Good luck.