Can you tell me if this is a good love story?

Question

I wrote it during school to prove to a girl that love isn't only a feeling, it's much more than that. Here's the link, http://www.welovestories.com/view-story.php?id=176 if you can read it and give feedback, I'd really appreciate it.

Answer 1

I didnt get that far in the reading but I will give you feedback from what I did read.

First, I think that you are a detailed reader and that I truly enjoyed reading about the two differences, but if I could suggest structuring out a little bit espicially with the transistions. I think that instead of using quotes from his father at the beginning start the story at the high school and maybe put jeds story in as one person.

Second, "Ok, I'll see you at seven then! OOk bye!" I am not sure how this connected to Jaimes intro but to be honest I didnt like it.

Third, I think that when you begin a story I think you need something to grab the audience attention like maybe start with a journal entry that jed wrote about his day or talk about the setting and where they are. Start the reader out with something they can picture. Quotes are fine but I am not sure they were relevant to the introduction that you are trying to gaze upon.

Let me read some more...

Keep the dialogue add the teacher wrapping up the lesson and exiting the students out and then ring the bell. “…and now we mix the hydrogen with the…”**RING**

"Lunch, the best time to hang out with friends and eat at the same time, or at least it would have seemed". Add more expression between scences or dialogues to grab attetion. It just seems so boring.

Switch this paragraph around. Give some setting. "Jed never really had any actually friends. All his old friends moved away to private schools thanks to their smarts and their parent’s fortune. *Today was different. He was sitting alone at his usual table. One couple walking around looking for an empty table notices the one Jed was sitting at. They walked up to him and asked if they could sit down. Jed stood up."*

* in between stars is what I liked.

Alot of dialogue which is great but I am getting confused on who is saying what.

"By the time Jamie got to her next class" where did she come from?

I liked the paragraph at the "Business Economics Class"

Let me read more....

The story is beginning to come together after that paragraph.


""And with that Jamie ran off, Jed went to the bathroom, and 50 minutes later, the final bell rang. School was over, and the weekend was official. After Jed got off the bus, he walked to his home and quickly began his homework. Jamie on the other hand drove home in her nice Dodge Viper, a car her parents had bought for her on her 16th birthday, and sat on her couch and watched TV. When Jed had finished his homework, he began studying each subject. When Jamie got bored of watching TV, she left to go hang out with her friends down at the mall. After the long study session, Jed went to pray. After the mall, Jamie got a phone call from Frank about going out tomorrow. Jed finished his prayers at around 9 ‘o clock, and started his chores of cleaning up his room, doing the dishes, and vacuuming the house. Jamie went home, told her parents what she’s going to do during the weekend, and after that, she decided to go to sleep.

The next morning Jamie got up bright and early at 8 ‘o clock and went outside to tan by her pool. Jed was already awake; he had woken up at 6 and prayed, and has been studying since. Jed’s parents woke up and found their son studying quietly in his room.""
These two paragraphs are too confusing split it up between what jaime is doing and then weave into what jed is doing.?

I have to give you a round of applause because the rest of the story was so connected and moving. It made me cry. Although where did they end up at the end? Anywhere in particular.

I thought it was very cute story. I think it needs some proofreading and minor changes at the beginning, but overall it was a great story. I liked the ending. I liked the plot.

I m sorry if my comments seemed a bit long, but I got one more suggestion, that last thing that you wrote at the end, you could also begin the story that way and have jen and jed reminisce about their true love. I thought it was great with a shaky beginning.

Hpw old are you?

Answer 2

not bad...not very original though, I give it an 8 out of 10. I read all of it by the way, I deserve 10 points if you don't believe me... here's proof: Uncle Buck raped Jamie, both families end up living together, Jamie's brother framed Jed, Jed and Jamie jumped of and were thought to be killed, they have two children, Nadia and Joshua, when they are eighteen they will learn of the story of their parents, J and J married in Las Vegas, Jed was in a comma for a week... etc. the whole point of the story is that love transcends feeling and physical, Jed made his definition of love based on all those romance novels he read.( this story would make a good movie by the way)