Should i let her have our boys back?

Question

My wife n i are still technically married but we have been apart for more than two years now when she got a boyfriend. I had an job offer in florida so i got away for a while she had the kids they were 3 and 18 months 4 months im gone and she calls me and says her boyfriend overdosed on herione and something esle he died in her bed he didnt do the drugs there he went there to die my boys saw this and were almost taken by protective services i drove up from florida to get them and they have been with me eversince that was two years ago they are 5 and 3 now she says she has her life together shes has a job now and is getting an apartiment with another guy with two bedrooms and she wants me to give the kids to her i dont know what to do they are all i have i cant give them up and she still crys and throws a fit when i say she cant have them makes me out to be a bad guy when the only thing i do anymore is take care of my sons and go to work i need help what would you do in my shoes.

she sees the kids and talks to them on the phone i dont deny her that

Answer 1

I'm a firm believer in that everyone deserves a second chance. It seems like you still have feelings for her.
But, in this case, you may want to discuss this matter with a lawyer and get professional advise.
I would insist that she live in the same town and close enough to
you should anything happen you have easy access to the kids. She will if she really cares.

You know what!
The mother in me tells me that there is no way in hell would that biotch ever get those boys ever again. Her life choices are not impressive. She does not have the boys best interests at heart.
She's selfish and seems to need a man to cling on to.
Don't you dare give in to her crying (It may well be an act), she made her bed now she can sleep in it. Stand strong. Do not expose them to the environment she lives in.
Allow her to visit or have supervised visits.

Think about it, the next phone call could include bad news about your sons, who will you blame?

When it comes to our kids happiness, safety, protection and mental well being; I'm like a Mother Grizzly and I go for the throat.
There are house rules and that's the way life is around here.

Answer 2

What do you know about the new guy? He might be just as bad as the last.
Sounds like the kids are better off with you. At least you're willing to give up the kids if it's for their own good.

This is a "Caucasian Chalk Circle" situation. If you haven't read it - Two women are trying to decide who should have the child. The king draws a circle on the ground and says "Whoever pulls the child out of the circle first get's the child." One woman sees that the child is in pain and lets go. The king then awards custody to the more caring mother (the one who let go). Hope this helps

Answer 3

Do not let the kids go back. Make sure that when she see them it is only for a daytime visit. This woman has been involved with a herione addict which died which probably means she was doing some type of drugs also. Their Mother is their mother and they need to know that but yet you need to be protective of your kids because if something happens to one of the you want be able to sleep at night.
I am the father of 2 kids who live with me. Sure it would be nice to not to have to worry about the kids and go out once in a while but I help bring the kids into this world and I will do whatever it takes to protect them. My life is centered around the kids. I work and take care of the kids. Anybody I get involved with has to have the understanding that I am a father first.

Answer 4

Your kids have two parents and it's really important that, if possible, they have both parents in their lives. The children, after all, are half you and half their mother.

But, I think you are very wise to be careful about letting your wife have them back and if you take any action at this point, I would suggest you start formalizing your status as the parent that the children live with, in case your wife tries to get them from you legally. Courts generally favor the mother even when it doesn't make sense and it would be wise for you to remember that your children needed your protection in the past. While I'm sure you wish your wife a good and healthy life, she's not conducting it in a very well-thought out way.

First of all, if she's a married woman--to you--why is she living with another man? That's not the behavior of a rational woman. You two are still married. If you aren't going to remain together, then this time before the divorce would be a good time for her to learn to provide for herself without having a man around. Boyfriends come and go and your three children will be adversely affected if there aren't some boundaries in behavior. It sounds like they will have daddies coming and going and they will most likely suffer distress as separations occur. Another disadvantage is that their mother will be distressed by the rollercoaster of falling in love, living with the lover, and then having the exit scenes develop. How stable is she? Probably not stable enough.

The other thing that comes to mind is wondering how you are doing. You say all you do is take care of your boys and go to work. Where can you get some help? If you aren't living near family who could help, you could look around your community for some resources. It seems that the youngest is two and the oldest is five. In my area, the city has groups for kids, not frequently, but once in a while. It would even be a good idea to get a sitter for a good part of a Saturday so that you can have some time to remember what it feels like to not be responsible. Free time may seem like a luxury, but you and your kids will all benefit if you can relax for a while on a regular basis. They'll get to know the sitter and the sitter will be someone they enjoy seeing, too--although they may cry to show you that they can't do without you for a few hours. Generally, kids busy themselves with play shortly after the parents leave and the parent may feel tugs in their heart, but the kids do fine.

Well, this is a long answer to your question. To summarize, in brief: Your wife doesn't sound stable, not yet. Maybe the kids could visit her, though if you aren't living near each other, she may have to travel to your place to see them. I say that because you are transporting four people, while she only has one to get there and back and because children the age of yours feel more secure at home. And, the other thing is to get some legal rights established in case you need them in court.

Good luck to you, your children and your wife. I hope everything works out for all of you.

Answer 5

Ok honey,
Here's the plan.

1. Get a lawyer.
Have him dig up the police reports etc from the heroin incident and any other negative thing in her life that there is a record on file for.

2. File for a divorce with full custody.

3. Stop being afraid of her. She can never hurt you as long as you have the kids.

4. Stop worrying who thinks you are the bad guy... Who? Probably her friends and parents? SO WHAT!!!!
Does she sway anyone in your family against you? Tell that person bub-bye. You don't need them in your life till they come around in their senses and ...
a, apologize to you
b, mind there own damn business!

The courts will see you have worked, supported yourself and the kids and have otherwise contributed to society.
She has problems. And anyways, do you want your kids living with mama, whom they are not familiar with and her new live-in boyfriend who you don't know?
You want HIM bossing your kids around?

Good luck and congratulations for being a concerned parent.

Answer 6

My husband has a daughter that he would visit when she was younger. As time went by he was asked to stay away by his ex. Any time after when he tried to visit she would not allow it. After awhile he gave up.
Then four years ago he received papers from the state saying there was a court date sent up and he needed to attend.
The ex had gotten mixed up in drugs and alcohol and her kids were taking away by protective services.
To make a long story short he had to fight for custody and it was hard on him because he knew his daughter had been with her mother all this time and really didn't know him, but he knew doing this was the right thing to do for his daughter.
She has been with us now for almost 5 years and visits with her mom every other weekend.
I believe the hardest decisions you make for your children will be the best decisions you'll ever make.
May GOD give you the strength and courage to make the best possible decision for your children.

Answer 7

You are doing the right thing I would make d... sure you know what is going on in her life before letting the boys go for g00d,and the legality of getting your boys back if you drop them off for a trial visit is sticky I say get an attorney to Handel this one.She might be entitled to visits but you want to make sure that there is not a big scene and she keep the boys and refused give them back after they are in her physical custody some states would make you leave them Please check with a lawyer about all this your children are too important to get mixed up in some sick game she might have planned.

Answer 8

You don't know what to do? You do what is best for your children. It would not be a selfish move on your part to keep the children and continue doing right by them. You say that they are all you have - well you are all they have had for the last two+ years. They are counting on you to make the right choice. How could you even consider sending them back to her? BTW - I personally feel that it is high time that you file for divorce. If you had done it before she "got her life together" you would have legal custody at this point most likely. Get your affairs in order and get your head back on straight - you're not thinking clearly at this point, Babe.

Answer 9

KEEP EM. She dated a guy who did herione. She let a guy who did herione hang around your sons. What does that tell you? NO moral values! This isnt RENT...
Dont let her get costudy of the kids. You will regret it forever.

I had a friend was on drugs as a teenager and almost died when shooting up in the living room where his father knew he was doing it and diddnt stop him.

If her past boy friend did herione and she let it go to where it went and he died because of it, do you think she will stop your teenage son in a couple years from smoking pot? Drinking and driving? Herione?

Do this for your kids sake. Dont let them suffer because your ex is ignorent.

Answer 10

Why are you still married to her when she's gone through all these men already? Get a divorce and fight for custody for your boys. She does not provide a stable and good environment for the kids to grow up, especially she let them see someone die from drug overdose at such young age. I don't know if your older one is dramatized by the event. You sure sound to provide a more stable environment for the kids to grow up. Let her have visitation rights, but you must have custody. Get a divorce for the sake of your kids!