Does it offend you if your husband watches pornography secretly?

Question

Ladies? Men, do you watch porn behind your wifes back, why? The reason I am asking is because my husband does it and it really upsets me, I think porn is really trashy and the fact that it attracts him disgusts me.

To make myself more clear, I dont mind too much if he watches it. Its the fact that he HIDES it, like he knows its wrong.

I guess I should also add that I am 8 months pregnant and doctor has put sex off limits because I am at risk for preterm delivery.

Answer 1

Porno is a release. Often times it is seen (by the user) as private pleasure (and likely has been a forbidden pleasure since he was hiding Mags under his bed when he was a kid. Pornographic interests usually predates the addition of a life partener. Rarly does it start after. Sometimes the attraction is just having something that is truly your own, (just a thought) while other times it is stress triggered. The question is how does he use it and what for? Like anything that can be abused, it can be unhealthy if it becomes an obsession or creates friction. If you feel that he is cheating on you by doing it (or by not telling you) than you must confront him and let him know. If you are smart, you will have the courage to ask him what the real attraction is and be willing to really listen to the answer, and maybe bend a little (A Little) to accomidate him yourself. Perhaps you have some requests of him as well? (They don't have to be sex related either)
If you just accuse him of being disgusting and stupid, (and his use of porno is being triggered by stress) know that you are only adding to his stressors by attacking one of his primary and private (in his mind) stress releases tools.

Attacking him is also likely to just build walls between you two and not get you working together. If you truly think that what he is looking at is just flat out gross, than you have a problem and he really needs to know how you feel.

By your discription I am assuning we are talking about sexy ladies and not kiddy porn. So unless this guy is just a huge jerk (no pun intended),and won't work with you on calming your feelings, you should look at this discovery as an opportunity to find out what makes him tick. Hopfully he will be open to tell you and this negative can be swithed to a positive (well mostly positive). Remember that information is a map to understanding, and understanding is a map to really knowing someone. I think you could have a great opportunity here to know if he is the right man for you after all, or if you are really the right woman for him. Hopefully you two are flexable enough to make each others quirks work, cause I'm sure you both have them. Porno is not a good long term answer to anything, but it can be an asprin (for some folks) to calm some of lifes little headaches. I bet YOU can be his bottle of extra strength Tylenol. (unless, as I said before, he is a total jerk) Good luck.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Not really a big deal unless you make it one. Do you think Rosalyn loves Jimmy any less cause he's a red-blooded male. Maybe if Bubba had watched a little, he wouldn't have been so vunerable to Monica's machinations.

The one important message for women is that males are thinking this stuff whether we are looking at porn or not.

Didn't anyone watch "When Harry met Sally". I really think Billy Crystal's character kind of let cat out of the bag on male behavior.

A few posters suggest that it leads to cheating. I'd love to see the stats on that position, because I would bet those that cheat aren't sitting in front of a computer screen. Just an opinion.

But really, relax about this. What a man sees and a what a man loves are very different things. You've already won your man's heart.

Answer 4

There seems to be something he's craving here. Try different things. Maybe role play.

I don't mind if my man watches it, as long as he doesn't hide the fact. I'll watch it too sometimes.

Try watching with him a couple times and see what kind of movies he likes. Maybe it's all the different positions. Or some men like the lingere.

Don't worry too much, but don't make a big deal out of it.

And how long has it been since you have made love to him in the kitchen or on the couch? What about doing a lap dance for him? Let loose a little bit, like you're a teenager again.

Answer 5

Men watch pornography for visual stimulation, not necessarily to fantasize about other women. When women (not necessarily you) prefer to "keep things under the sheets" or keep the lights turned off during sex, they deny men their primary source of arousal. Women are typically aroused more by psychological (fantasy) stimulation, so it can be hard for them to understand this.

I'm not saying that it's always perfectly healthy for a husband to watch porn behind his wife's back. However, I do suggest talking to him about it at the very least. (Try not to be confrontational about it.) You might even try watching porn with him before or during sex -- although you'll probably want to track down porn produced by female directors, such as Candida Royalle. Believe it or not, some porn is geared towards couples, and include storylines and more passionate love scenes.

There's always the possibility that his interest in porn is unhealthy and can't be solved by simply providing more visual stimulation for him. (I hesitate in leaving the condition "unhealthy" open for interpretation. Please understand that masturbation is normal and healthy, even in a marriage. I'm talking about truly unhealthy situations.) In such a case, I would suggest sex therapy or marriage counseling.

Edit:
Since the way he hides the act is the biggest problem, why not offer to watch some female-oriented porn (as mentioned above) with him. If you aren't able or willing to provide the physical stimulation he needs, then allow him to watch his videos and masturbate until after the baby comes and you've recovered.

Despite the pregnancy issues, there are other ways to stimulate one another. Sex is not entirely about penetration. Maybe this is an opportunity to explore your sexuality together. I recently saw a visual sex encyclopedia at a bookstore in the mall recently; and I believe it talked about sex and pregnancy... as well as other techniques that couples can use to explore each other, mind and body. I tried to find it on Amazon.com, but couldn't. (Sorry.) Anyway, try something new. Look at your situation as an opportunity, not as a prison sentence.

Honestly, though, he's probably hiding it because masturbation is a private, sensitive issue for most people. There's a myth that married people should masturbate, which is false. I'd suggest letting it go, and give him his privacy for the next month or so.

Answer 6

You can never control anyone, you can only offer a suggestion. Perhaps you should find out what it is about the porn he likes and what type he watches - maybe he has some unfulfilled desires like - girls in cheerleading outfits, women in sexy black lingerie....and maybe you can help fulfill this need in him by buying those outfits and dressing and playing the part.

It's ok to not like it, but the real question is, what positive measures can you take to divert his attention away from it and onto you?

Also, you may want to ask yourself why you think porn is trashy. I'm surprised you didn't know his preference for the stuff before you got married. It seems like these are key points to know before you commit.

Personally, as a woman I enjoy porn, even more than a lot of men I have dated. Hmm, good idea for a question.

Answer 7

It's perfectly normal and healthy for men (and women actually) to enjoy some porn from time to time. It doesn't make your husband disgusting at all. Honestly, everyone masturbates, and everyone either watches porn or thinks of something dirty and trashy. You most likely do this yourself in one way or another, so why get on your husbands case? It isn't that he'd prefer a porn star over you, it's just fantasy. Don't worry over it!!!

Answer 8

secretly yes. I know he gets playboy cause I most the time send the bill off every year. We don't watch much porn. We have before in the pass but not much. We have a daughter so if anything or any kind of nudity comes on hubby turns the TV real fast...lol
It would hurt me if he was hiding something from me. As far as I know mine don't but ya never know.
If he is young it's just a faze. All men do it or most do. It is trashy and wrong but he could be doing worse things. Just tell him how you feel.

Answer 9

These problems can be avoided or lead to a friendly separation by being open and blunt in relationships. Ask him and discuss it with him and find out why. Amicable discussions are generally more productive than arguing. Also, some people like watching porn and if he/she is used to it then it probably will not change even if you suggest such things. I do not know what to tell you other than that, it is ultimately up to you two to discuss the issue at hand or it will only get worse. He says you do not give him enough sex. Maybe the problem is different sex drives and his might be higher than yours. If you have a personal problem with him watching porn then you need to bring up the issue and discuss it, but like I stated before if he likes it then do not expect it to change. You say you feel like he does not like to see you when you are intimate. This could be true or not but being presumptuous is not the answer to it, again talk to him if things are bothering you. In short: Have a discussion with him rather than asking other people. Only you two can work out something between yourselves.

Answer 10

I think men and women have different views of porn. I personally agree that it is trashy and I find it pretty disgusting. I believe most women actually get bored with it also. Men are different, I think it something they enjoy and it has nothing to do with their relationship. Somehow it seems that men separate sex and love. Women tie it all together.
I think you should overlook it. If you make it an issue then it will just become more important to him.
Everyone needs their form of personal entertainment and both sexes are entitled. Mine is shopping. (get the drift here?)