I have a problem, we have a problem, but my hubby still don't get it?

Question

I'm 40 yrs old and have 3 school children and married 13 yrs. Most of the time I'm left all alone at house. from 8:00 am to 6:00pm. I'm so bored and it's driving me crazy. I can't get away to go to malls because I lived 40 mins away from the city and I don't drive. I'm so jealous of my Hubby, he gets all the good takes, a good job, traveling a lot, socialize a lot, lots of friends, new clothes. While i'm just nothing in comparison. He takes me for granted... rarely takes me out, don't give me gifts on my bdays, xmas, anniversaries, gives me lousy sex. Worst he is always forgetful, does not listen to me....its always our children, his job, his achievements, the nice things people are saying to him...that's his fav topic to talk about. I am really bored and my resentment is building up. I tried to talk to him about my boredom, but he does not take me up seriously.

Last night, I just exploded... I shouted at him and swear at him and still he was bewildered about my behaviour.

How can I talk to him about this. He is so frustrating......grrrrrrrrrrr!

Answer 1

I have 3 kids school age, I have been married for 11 years, my wife doesn't work outside the home...hmm are you my wife? No of course not, however you are close. I'd love to talk to your husband, I bet we'd have some similiar stories, Same for my wife and you.

We still struggle with this same things.

My answer to you is that you should learn to drive or get some type of transportation asap. You really must get out more. You have to do something. My wife took a job that lets her get out sometimes. Maybe that is not for you, but you have to do something else.

The problem may be your husband, or it may just be your preception of your huband/marriage. Until you find your own hobbies, job, or voice you will not know. Make something happen for yourself.

Look at it this way; if you decide to leave at some point you need a job and a mode of transportation anyway, right? So get that now and see how the relationship changes.

As far as talking to him, I have a suggestion. Try this, it is very weird but this will most likely work. Keep a log of your conversations with him. Date, time, topic, and your feelings at the time and your perception of his feelings. When you have a collection of these, review them alone to see how you feel about the bulk of them.

Now here is the hard part, show him the ones where you didn't feel respected or validated and tell him why. Most likely he will want to see the other entries as well. If he does, that is good. He can see (hopefully) times where the conversations made you happy and what he did that might have caused that.

The entire point here is improved communication. if you can get through to him and of he can let you know ho he feels you can improve your relationship.

Answer 2

Your not alone on this one. Maybe the not driving part, when you have a license but no vehicle to drive it adds up to the same thing.

I was a stay at home Mom, my kids became my life, my presents were home-made from them or from other family members. When the kids became teenagers and Mom was no longer their best friend I felt I was more alone than ever.

I started bowling in a league. Became the association secretary. Made friends. I had hobbies, I liked to sew and bake and I made candy. Summers I had my garden I was proud of and fall I canned. I might not have had everything he had in his life but we talked. Just a little at first but little by little I think he saw me for who I was. Yelling does no one any good. Swearing just muddles what your trying to say, no wonder he was bewildered.

You have more choices than you know of. Get on the net and search for some courses to take. There is on-line work you can do to keep busy. As for your thinking "your nothing in comparison" why would you think that? Your the mother of his children. You keep a house running for him to return to. You must take good care of him if he has a good job, travels and has so many friends. Is the sex really so lousy or is it just routine?

Answer 3

Helloooo it sounds like you don't get it. Let him know, that you are proud of his achivement and that you appreciate him. Get a hobby! Become a volunteer. Give him something to talk about you. Take the bus and get out of the house. Ask him to take you to the mall on his time off and get some nice cloths and shoes. When your birthday comes around just tell him that he should take you to a restaurant, because you ar not cooking. Buy yourself a Christmas present and say thank you to him for bringing home the bacon. Don't be so boring! When he comes home from a business trip or work, surprise him with a sexy outfit and give him a massage. You are very fortunate to be able to stay home and raise your kids and it's up to you what you make of it.

Answer 4

I am in my 40's with 2 children and married 19 years. Marriage is hard and being a stay-at-home mom is really hard and not supported by society. I have been where you are. If you leave, it will negatively affect the children (and you financially).

My husband and I went to a good marriage counselor. I wrote him a letter and he agreed to go. I wrote the letter because I could not talk to him without geting emotional.

As for the boredom, you have to take care of that yourself. Do not expect your spouse to take care of your boredom. Find what you like to do, and do it! Find friends who will lend positive support. Work on saving and improving your marriage! That's what I did and it was worth it. My marriage is really great now. I was where you are at about the same time in our marriage (about 6 years ago).

I hope this helps! I know exactly how you are feeling. Change yourself to make you happier (you can only ever really change you anyway) and get help for your marriage!

Answer 5

Your husband sounds like a selfish, self-absorbed, insensitive ***. This situation is doing absolutely nothing for your self-esteem, in fact, its corroding it. You need to do something just for you that makes you feel better about yourself. Do you have a hobby or is there some activity you could get involved in with your children and other moms. Have you thought about taking driving lessons so that you can drive? You would be more independent then and maybe you could find a part-time job while your kids are at school or even volunteer at their school. Eventually, after you've had your fill of this man's egotistical and unloving behavior, you might feel strong enough to consider separating or even divorce.
You deserve to be treated better than this. Believe it. Hope this helped.

Answer 6

tell him that you are signing up for drivers test, that you are taking the written test and that you want a car, so that you can do things like take the kids to the mall or doctors when you need to. then tell him that you want to find a part time job while the kids are in school so that you can have money that you can spend on the kids and what ever your needs are that he dont take care of, tell him that you dont understand why as a husband he dont seem to put you as a high priority and that him forgetting important things is realy hurting you,. you dont feel like he is realy into this marriage as he should be. tell him that you want more, not money, love,respect. and see what he says. if you dont like the way you are living only you can change it since he dont seem to care. and tell him that he is going to help you buy a car, not an expensive one, but a good dependant car used for like maybe no more than1400 dollars. dont let him step over you. let him know you want to do things to and feel like your not just a mom, that you need to have other things going on in your life too.

Answer 7

First of all, learn how to drive. That will allow you more freedom for yourself and your children. You might also want to consider going back to school or taking a few classes here or there for personal enrichment. Ask him if he takes you for granted. If he tells you no, point out specific examples or incidents of this behaviour.

He sounds self-centered and he must enjoy all the attention he receives from his social engagements. Ask him to include you in some of his personal achievements.

Answer 8

Men don't like to go home to a nagging wife. Notice that he likes to talk about things that make him happy.

You need to do something to keep yourself occupied when kids are off the school. Pick up a new hobby, like oil painting. Better yet, learn to drive so you can get yourself out of the house. Do something to make yourself happy and give you a sense of freedom. So when your husband comes home, he sees a happy wife.

Surf the net a get some new clothes, do yourself a make over. When he comes home and see a happy hot babe, he sure will want to talk.

Answer 9

Girlfriend you got to get off that couch and learn how to drive. That's one of the reason he is treating you like this he know your not going anywhere. While your kids are at school call a friend girl down go out shopping spend some of this money he is making pamper yourself. I promise you he will start spending more time with you. The first thing that's going to come to his mind is there's someone else.

Answer 10

Ok, stop talking, learn to drive and get your own life. It is great that you love your hubby but that doesn't mean that you should be tied down to the house. Get out and do things. Years ago I was tied down with small kids and a hubby that traveled a lot. I finally woke up and realized that he was not making me unhappy, I was. I changed that and now am very happy and independent.