How would you deal with.......?

Question

an imature ex who is playing head games with your son? Here's a list of things he has said to my son:
Your brothers aren't your real brothers because I am not their father.
If you don't get a hair cut I am going to make you wear a dress, f***t.
You don't have to listen to the stupid things your mother says.
Women are only meant for 2 things, to clean up after you and s**.
And the worst.....he had a friend (I'm not sure if it was guy/gal) leave a msg on his voicemail imitating me saying that I didn't want my son anymore,he wasn't my son,.....and then played it for him.
No legal answers, just imaginative. Don't worry, you can be as descriptive and twisted as you like...I won't use any of them, I promise.

Maybe I won't anyway.... :)

Ok, you all obviously are not getting the no legal advise part. I have already obtained a lawyer and am suing for supervised visitation to be help at Catholic Social Services where all of us, my son, me, and his father will be able to have counseling to better cope with the sitution. My son is too young to read any of this and even if he were able to I am using a fake id all the way around. I am not looking for vengeance just an outlet. Believe me, I can come up with plenty of legal vengeance on my own. I can even come up w/gruesome vengeance, I just was wanted to see what others had to contribute.

Note for Colleen: Even, hypothetically stating, I have gotten what I deserve, does an innocent child deserve to go through this?

Note for broken_dreams: My other 2 sons are my first sons brothers. Just because my first son's father didn't contribute (thank God for small favors) it doens't make them any less his brothers.

Note to all: My son hasn't seen his father in weeks and I informed my son as to why. I told him I needed to find him a doctor to talk to as well as obtain a lawyer. As for talking to him we only use a cell phone in which I have with me all the time so he has no contact until either a doctor or lawyer tell me I have to. Currently I am in violation of the court order by denying my ex access to my son but I don't care. Also, even tho mental abuse is illegal in all states it's one of the hardest types of abuse to prove. Don't judge me for venting and being frustrated on here, I know of plenty of people who do it to the children. I try, believe me it is difficult, to reinforce to my child that both his father and I love him very much but at the moment we are not agreeing on what is best for him. I also try to explain to him as best as I can to think about what his father says and try to remember what is true and what is not.

Note for SS: I am thinking of my children. What my eldest boy's father is doing is tearing our entire household apart. My son comes home so worked up over the lies this man is filling in his head all I can think about is beating the ever living s*** out of him. The only things that stop me from acting on any irrational, primitive feelings is my children. My actions directly affect them and I love them entirely too much to ever risk hurting them. Unfortunately I can't protect them from all the harms in the world and when my son returns looking as hurt as he does I feel so helpless. If it's selfish to want to think about hurting the person hurting your child than I am proud to say I AM SELFISH.

Believe me when I say this, from a legal stand point I have it for the most part under control, I am consulting the right people. As far as the kids I don't allow myself to say what is really on my mind, I just want someone, anyone to vent with. I'll even start:
I would love to kidnap him in the middle of the night, stash him in a crate on a plane, fly to a cannibalistic island where I would offer him up for some beans where I am quite certain I would have gotten the better of the deal.

Note to Shadie: There wasn't a support order until after this past xmas. This is when things started going from bad to worse. My son spent the week with him and I had sent his clothes with him. Having 3 kids, working poor paying jobs, and dishing out almost my entire paycheck for child care doesn't leave much left over (and if one person says I asked for it by having 3 kids you can kiss my a** cause I am not complaing, just stating the facts of the situation). Well, out of spite, he brought my son home late to begin with but also kept all of his clothes which he needed for school. I had to go out and buy him all new clothes which I couldn't afford because of his behavior. I finally took him to court for the support which is right around the time the mental abuse of my son started. So I guess your right about one thing, it's probably about the money. My son is 10 by the way and he only paid support previously for about a year.

Note to all: If any of you think you are too good to have terrible thoughts and fantasies about an ex's demise you are only fooling yourselves. Nobody on the face of the planet has good thoughts all the time about their ex's, and I am sure everyone fantasizes about some ill fortune happening to an ex from time to time especially if there are children involved. If these thoughts didn't exist even in the remotest fashion about an ex, do you really think they would be your ex? Jeeze, just because the thoughts are there doens't mean they need to be acted upon.

Heck, I doubt anyone is even reading this anymore but I can tell you I feel a ton better just venting. My ex is a mental dirt bag but unfortunately he is my son's father. Even tho I have these feelings about him I will never let my son know about them. Sure he knows his father and I aren't seeing eye to eye but even if we were together stuff like that is bound to happen. What he doesn't know is the extent of my feelings about him. What he does know is that I reinforce that I will always love him as well as his father. He knows no matter what he is to respect his father and me because we are his parents. He knows he is to obey his father's rules at his house when he is there as well as obey the rules at home. He knows this because I insist upon him knowing. Unfortunately he is at a very impressionable age where he is idolizing his father because he's the one he has the least amt of contact with. There are no rules at daddy's house. There are no chores or punishments at daddy's house.

In closing I am acting out all of my immature, irrational feelings on here so the next time my son talks back and says," My daddy's house is better.....My daddy is better because...." I can talk to him and reinforce that neither mommy nor daddy's houses are better than the other just different.

Answer 1

u should get a hitman on his *** he deserves it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

Tell your son the truth about everything. They understand more than we think they do. If your other children are his half brothers, try to explain it to him, and remember to re-explain later on, so that he will be able to understand.
Reassure him that you will always love him and want him with you, not to believe anything he hears, to always ask you first in person.
Hopefully your ex will get a life and focus his energy somewhere else.
Now, the part you wont like, seems to me that men get the raw end of the deal with children when couples split. I am starting to understand some of the rage and bad behavior a lot of guys have when they are not treated as an equal parent in the eyes of the law. They are expected to support their children, while being treated like a visitor with no rights. Gals want the money, but want the guy to disappear from their childrens lives.
I hope you can work it out.

Answer 3

I would record and keep everything he ever said. Then on some big night, maybe a birthday or wedding (something where friends, family, coworkers and maybe even bosses would show up) etc., I would break out the goods and show everyone he feels is important what kind of a person he really is. Then I would burn a few cd's/dvd's and pass them out to his new/current love interest, you know, just to make sure she knows who she is dealing with. And heck I may even buy a spot on the local cable show and put him out there in prime time for the whole city to see. Then I'd sell T-Shirts with a comical picture of his face that says something like "If you see this a** hole........run" Or "Don't leave your kids with this moron" And if I could I would slip his initials discretely into the shirt somewhere for the clever buyer. And to promote my latest cable movie and clothing line I would put up signs all over the city, you know the kind that would be hard to miss. Maybe something in pink.

Sorry for all your going through. I hope you get some good usable ideas on here.

Answer 4

Why not seek legal advice as you have to think of the long term effects on your son. The more you can insulate your children from this guy the better for you. Why not tape him saying those things and see a lawyer.

You alone will have to make a decision as to were you want to go
What can happen is that your children can grow up and be like him and treat people in their lives badly. If you are around you will have no one to blame but your self for procrastinating and not being proactive.

Answer 5

It's ok to fantasize about doing a lot of crazy things to him and who could blame you? But in the real world, the best way to deal with this is to set an example for your son. Tell him how much you love him and that you would never say you didn't want him but that he does have to listen to what you say. Teach him to respect women and that they are equal to men (except that they are more equal), just kidding.

If he is not the father of the other boys, tell him that but tell him they are his brothers because you are their mother. I have two step sons and we have a son and a daughter together but they all treat each other the way brothers and sisters are supposed to but they know the truth about their parents.

Make sure everything you tell him is the truth but don't bad mouth your ex to him. He will learn to be a good honest man and he will love you and put you first in his life.

Good Luck with this.

Answer 6

I'm sorry you are experiencing this and even more sorry for your son. It is easy to get involved with someone without realizing their potential to be abusive, so try not to spend too much energy in blaming yourself or letting others do so. We cannot change the past.

It is important that you be a supportive, positive influence in your son's life. It may be nearly impossible sometimes not to sink to your ex's level and try to turn your son against him. Your son might not always seem to be responding positively to your consistent lack of a negative response to his father's mind games...however, as he ages he'll appreciate you letting him make up his own mind about how to feel about his father instead of trying to influence his opinion with your own.

I'm not sure of your son's age, but it is important to realize that many children view everything in their world as revolving around them. At some level, your son probably feels like his father's problems are somehow his fault. Furthermore, children of divorce (especially from an abusive relationship) often have a hard time understanding that it is okay for them to love both of their parents, even if their parents don't love each other and even if their parent isn't always a "good" parent. Keep reassuring your child that he hasn't done anything to cause problems. Also, explain to your son that it is okay for him to love his dad even if he doesn't always like the things Daddy does or the choices Daddy makes.

One option for you might be to seek some advice from your local women's shelter or spouse abuse center. They often have children's counselors who could possibly see your son and help him learn how to cope with this situation. Furthermore, they often have people who can give you tips on what you might be able to accomplish legally in this situation. Usually, these services are free.

I wish you the best of luck in negotiating this very serious situation. Remember, the biggest factor for a child to avoid the many pitfalls while they mature is to have one person in their life who they can trust to always support them. You can be that person in your son's life.

Answer 7

For a start, be thankful (very thankful) that you got rid of the big loser. The next thing you need to do is to discuss with your son the problem your ex is causing so that he will simply hang up the phone when he calls. You might want to think about an unlisted number.

Answer 8

What your ex is doing to your son is illegal in every state. It's called child abuse (verbal, but abuse nonetheless). Report him to the authorities at once before he does serious emotional damage to your son that may not be able to be reversed. Get off the net and make that phone call NOW.

Answer 9

Things of this caliber are only harmful to the children. I would confront your estranged partner with firm legal language easily understood. ( If you continue to intimidate and tell your son false tales I will be forced to have court impose restraining order.)(Further, should you continue to defile my character as the childs mother, You will not be allowed visitation or conversation.)
This, you will need to do through the court system.
Keep in mind, the children are the one's who suffer from these type of venomious verbal and physcological attacks.

Answer 10

first of all i don't know what this guy gets out of messing with your son anyway..jee no wonder he is out the door..

i would do what i could to see about my rights and maybe get proof of what he is doing and take him to court because your child does not need to hear these things..maybe you could prove it as verbal abuse..because these words could hurt or confuse him later if he keeps hearing it.

You can get help from legal aid but you have to pay a fee. but it usually isn't to bad. Maybe you could talk to a lawyer or maybe child services about what you can do sometimes they have the best of help. And there is child advocacy does your child want to see him if he is such a mess anyway?

My dad was a jerk and it took us 2 yrs to get him out of our lives and i still do not regret it.

Answer 11

Much as you might wish not to take this road, legal action is called for here. This is abusive behavior and potentially damaging for the child. Start documenting everything he says to your son (if you haven't already). One day you will be glad you did.