What is wrong with my wife? Or is it me?

Question

Ok here is the situation, Sunday after church when my wife and I were on the way home she was really quiet and I knew something was wrong. I didnt know if it was something I said or what but she wouldnt tell me. Late Sunday night when we are in the bed and im trying to get some sleep she says she needs to get something off of her chest. Mind you I have to be up very early in the morning and she had allday to say what was on her mind. Well she proceeds to say that she was depressed after church because we never do anything together. This isnt the first time that she has said this but I just dont get it. Last weekend we hung out went shopping, out to eat, to the movies, and swimming. This weekend she was suppose to hang out with her female friends but they cancelled on her. Everything seemed fine all weekend until Sunday afternoon. She never ask to do anything together or suggest going some place other than church. But yet now she feels as if im responsible for her being depressed.

Well I have tried everything. This has been going on for awhile. For instance I planned a romantic getaway for the two of us on at the beach in a very nice suite and 2 weeks later she when we were sitting around relaxing she claimed that we never do anything together. When I mentioned the beach trip she said that was only one thing out of the month. But that trip was very expensive and it made me reluctant to try to plan anything else. Im starting to ignore her calls that we dont spend anytime together and im making her depressed because frankly ive done all that I know how to do. Counseling would be nice, which she has already suggested before b/c she claims I dont take her feelings into account when it comes to us doing things together. It could be as simple as a trip to Wal-mart. I may have worked hard allday long and not feeling like moving and she will get upset that I didnt go with her to pick up something like toilet paper. Im frustrated.

Answer 1

you're not responsible for her being depressed. She will look for anyone to pin that on... my guess is you could take her on a trip around the world and she'd still be depressed. Something else might be going on that she's not telling you. Just try to be loving and supporting to her, and still take her out to do stuff...

Answer 2

Well, I think you are in the right here to tell you the truth. I'm a bit flabergasted as to why she thinks you aren't doing enough together when you had such a big weekend the week before??

Perhaps the two of you should sit down and talk about this. There are many questions that need to be addressed here. One of them being...Why did she choose to plan time with her friends if she is wanting to do things with you? Let her know in a nice way that you are not a mind reader...tell her that if she will give you some ideas, then the two of you can make plans to do something. Maybe she wants you to ask her??? I don't know. I would tell her that you would be glad to ask now and then, but since she is the one who is wanting to go so much, she may need to be the main one to initiate it.

I don't know why she would wait until bedtime to bring that up...unless you are in a situation like my husband and I are...we have kids and so we often wait until they are in bed to discuss important topics just incase it might wind up in an argument. If you don't have kids, then I am at a loss as to why she waited. It seems like she needs to respect your need for sleep more and be more appreciative at how good you are about trying to please her.

Don't feel bad that she is depressed. She is doing this to herself in my opinion. Not meaning to come down hard on your wife, but this is one situation where I agree with you 100%. Good luck!

Answer 3

Try being spontaneous. Surprise her with some activity she might not expect but would probably enoy. Be sure to let her know how you feel when she seems to blame you for her depression. Be honest and sincere not accusatory, explain and make a list of what you would like to do ask her to list a few then randomly pick out an activity to do the next time you have the chance. Good luck

Answer 4

Some women get depressed easily. Since her female friends cancelled on her, she was probably hoping that you would offer to do something with her instead. It isn't you. Your wife is probably feeling like she is unloved by her friends. Talk to her about this and maybe the next time her friends cancel on her, suprise her by taking her for a romantic drive, or just a night on the town. That will probably pick her right up and she will be forever greatful to you for thinking about her when she feels that her friends have let her down. Good Luck to both of you.

Answer 5

Try not to get into the blame game. I'm not a doctor but I've been where you are. My guess is your wife is clinically depressed and may need counseling for her depression. If you don't feel comfortable suggesting that she seek counseling, get some joint counseling. It might be needed anyway because it sounds like her depression has caused a few issues with your relationship.

The sooner you seek professional help the better. The longer you let it slide, the harder it will be.

Answer 6

You know, there are some women who prefer that the man take the initiative and suggest something enjoyable to do together. Not just shopping, or a movie. She can do those things with her female friends. With a husband/boyfriend, it should be something that has some thought. Something simple, like a surprise picnic, where YOU prepare the meal, and place to go...for example. The smallest thing that a man thinks of to please 'her', will go a long way.

Answer 7

I understand what you're going through. When people are depressed or upset, its very hard for them to assert themselves and make positive decisions that will get them out of their slump.

From what you wrote, I can see that your wife loves you very much and is upset that you can't "read her mind." I know this sounds irrational, and it is, but what you can do is be there for her. Ask her WHY she feels like you don't do anything together.

Eventually you'll get to the bottom of the problem which is that no matter how much she does, it doesn't fulfill her. Try to explore activities or experiences that have fulfilled her in the past, and be open to new ones that will fulfill her now.

She's not blaming you, trust me. She's trying to reach out and she feels weak ... too weak to help herself, and as her husband, you're in the role of someone who has vowed to be there for her in these periods.

I hope you work your problems out.

Answer 8

She was probably bummed because her friends bailed on her. OK, you need to surprise her with a romantic day. Start with flowers, maybe take her to a romantic restaurant or YOU cook for her, and end with an evening in bed (when you don't have to get up early the next morning). It's not your fault, she just feels a little neglected. We actually can torture ourselves, we just need you guys to be there to pick up the pieces. Good luck and God bless. : )

Answer 9

Nothing is wrong with you. She needs something in her life that she has passion for.
Maybe a job is in order.... something that gives her a life that doesn't depend on you for her happiness.
Counseling is an excellent way to broach the subject of her learning to be responsible for her own happy, and encourage her to find a job or some outlet. She has too much free time on her hands.

Answer 10

Your wife sounds like she looks too much to you for her own happiness. She needs to make herslef happy first. Explain to your wife that you love doing things together as a couple but that you can not read her mind as much as you would like to. If she wants to do things with you then all she needs to do is say so. Is she looking for you to say...Hey honey lets go to this" Maybe she is feeling bad about herself and needs a little extra attention from you, could also be pms. We are such strange creatures.