How do you deal with your father beginning to date after divorce?

Question

My parents were seperated for 3 years before they finally got divorced a year ago. Now, my father is seeing another woman. I live with my father, so it's weird when he comes home at 3 AM and I know he was just doing...things...with her. Plus, my mother is one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and used that as shelter to keep her divorce from feeling real. But, in her religion, adultery is the only true grounds for divorce. So now that my father has admittedly slept with another woman, my mother feels like he cheated on her. So I have to deal with her sobbing and venting to me ALL THE TIME about my father being a "horny bastard", and I have to deal with my dad thinking that it doesn't bother me to hear about his love life.

Any tips on dealing with the surrounding insanity?

Answer 1

Tough situation ... there are a few points to be made here.

First, from your discussion, you are respectful of your parents but also accurately describing their shortcomings. So, I want you to HEAR and understand that your set of values are still in good balance! Don't let them get you thinking that you are the one out of wack.

Mother first. It is wrong for her to complain to you about her ex. She should know that even though her relationship with her husgand failed, this man is still your father. Paul McCartney was crushed when it turned out his second wife - Heather Mills - had at one time been a whore. But he did not come out and slam her publically because they had a daughter, and he didn't want to have HIS daughter hear him heave insults at his daughter's mother. This is common sense that is lost on today's society full of people with bad manners. (Sorry to slam your Mom.) She should NOT be saying these things to you.

Advice #1: Tell your Mom straight off that this man is STILL YOUR father, and she must respect that. No matter how bad things get between the two of them, you choose to make him my father. I can't change that, and we both have to live with it. And Mom, that means YOU have to live with it. Please live with it.

Also ... unless you are a priest looking to the heavens for divine supernatural help, human beings are sexual creatures. It is normal for a man to want to have female company, and to want to be sexual with her. Having your Mom say that your Dad is a "horny bastard" because he is looking to satisfy and act on his sexual needs indicates a corrupt sexuality on HER part (she doesn't understand sex), not on your Dad's part. Don't mention this to her, but let it be a help to you when you talk to your mother. You are in the right here. She should not be saying these things to you.

Now, your Dad. It is a rare, rare, RARE occurance when you find a person in life with true "virtue", who - 99% of the time - does the right thing. When we are young, we unconsciously think that everyone is like this. We naturally think our parents are like this. As we grow up, we come to learn that humans are deeply flawed. You seem to be learning this now about your folks. As it applies to your Dad: yes, he should be more descreet with coming home. But try to take some comfort in the fact that he, yunno, isn't watching porn 24/7; nor is he bringing a new woman into his own bedroom right in front of your nose every week; nor does he go at it on the kitchen floor as you come home from school. If its 1)the same woman and 2)he's trying to keep it out of the house ... believe me, you are way ahead of the "screwed up post divorce father" scene. Try to take comfort in the little things.

How old are you? If you are over 14, then ...

Advice #2: Sit him down and tell him you really like the quarterback of your football team and that you just wanted him to know that you gave him a good "bang" behind the gym yesterday. Pause one second, then say "only kidding, Dad". Then say, "how did it make you feel hearing such detail about me being sexual? That's how I FEEL when you tell me things. I know you're happy, and perhaps we are close. But this is something I SHOULD NOT BE HEARING. Children should not be aware of their parent's sexuality - hello? (Always use the "hello" - I invented it!) You need to find someone else to share your sexual pleasures with. I don't ever want to hear this again, got it?"

If you are under 14 ... jeez ... do you have a family doctor? Make an appointment for yourself with the doctor, make sure your Dad drives you there, and tell the doctor about it. Have the doctor tell your father - in your presense - about the fact that these details are not good for you. Make sure the doctor mentions "doctor/patient privilege" and that no one else will hear about this (this should help your Dad with his embarrassment), but that you needed help in getting the message across.

Again: you seem to have a very sensible head. Trust yourself, and take steps to DIRECTLY tell them about this. Indirect speech and innuendo only makes things worse. Discuss the exact topics you want, and I'm sure they will get in line.

Good luck ...

.

Answer 2

Speak frankly but respectfully with both of your parents.

Tell each that you are happy to have him/her in your life, but you can no longer listen to insults against the other parent (true or not is not the issue) and you can no longer listen to tales of debauchery (because you are trying to become a moral person and believe the best about the father deserving or not). Tell them you try to follow the same standard at school and/or work and you appreciate their cooperation.

Pray for wisdom and strength to bring comfort to your mother and godliness to your father.

Learn more:
http://watchtower.org/library/w/2000/7/15/article_01.htm
http://watchtower.org/library/w/2000/11/15/article_01.htm

Answer 3

If your mother is a Jehovah witness, I suggest she practice what she preach and put her faith in God not man and believe that her pain will be comforted.

When you put your faith in man, you can't deal with situations and you fall apart and that's where your faith should kick in and you can use being a Jehovah witness as a shelter to cover up your pain because if your still crying and sobbing, obviously it hasn't shielded you from pain.

I suggest you let your dad live his life and if it isn't to be, it won't be. You can't interfere in your parents personal life even though they have involved you in theirs.

If your dad keep discussing his love life, I suggest you tell him you are watching your mom pain too much and find it disrespectful of him to engage you in his personal life.

Answer 4

You need to move out if you can. And let both your parents know that you are their child not their best friend. You don't need to know the details of your parents lives. Even though they are divorced your mom needs to vent to someone in the church. Let her know that you do not feel comfortable talking about these things. Maybe she should find someone more apropriate to talk to.

Answer 5

Just wish your parents well in whatever they do or who they see. Remember this, they didn't always like who you brought home, so be courteous to them and let them have some fun.

Answer 6

be happy for your dad. life is to short to be in a un happy marriage. be supportive for your mom to. tell her that you are a grown up and she needs to find happiness too. you are there for both your parents. don't let them make you take sides.

Answer 7

I am a child of divorce and its so hard! my dad is now remarried and its actually really wonderful now. both my mom and dad have moved on. but it wasn't always that easy. first you have to set boundaries with your mom. shes your mom not your best friend. she shouldn't be crying to you about it. she needs to keep that her relationship with your dad between her and your dad. and you need to open up to your dad and tell him your not ready for him to date and to please keep you out of it until he is really serious. i never met anyone of the women my dad dated until he was in love with the one hes with now. he doesn't need to bring women in and out of your life. you need to tell your parents that you are their kid not their best friend. if they don't like it too bad. you don't need to deal with their problems, yours are hard enough!!!