are my expectations too high?

Question

I am a wonderful woman..i cook, clean, am kind to my man...and hey, i put out. My husband loves me very much, and treats me very well. I feel lucky to have found him. I do have one problem. He, like many other men, seems to think that porn is a given right, and that even tho it hurts my feelings and makes me feel insecure, he continues to indulge. After letting him know how I felt, he does do a good job of not making it obvious, which i appreciate....but, i hate just as much the sneaking around to look at it . Then I never know when i get home and he's "turned on" , if it's me (it used to be just me) or if he's all worked up from someone else. And it DOES matter. Am i being difficult...am i expecting something a man, any man, just can't give. To be the ONe and only desire ???

Answer 1

You're acting in character, and you've effectively communicated your feelings to your husband. Your husband has, in turn, validated your feelings by modifying his behavior to suit your comfort level ( by being considerate enough to not be so obvious about viewing it.) The problem is, this has created another situation you also find distasteful: now he's having to hide his viewing which you perceive as "sneaking" around. I honestly don't know if this is right or wrong, but I know you're backing him into a corner and creating an atmosphere where dishonesty could take hold and flourish ( when it doesn't have to). You have the freedom to act in character, but it seems your husband does not. I don't know how strongly you hold these convictions on this issue, but if you can see your way through to compromising on this issue, you may be happier for it in the long run. It's obvious he cares about your feelings or he would not have changed his behavior in any way, but you have to leave him some room to be himself or resentment will set in. Choose your battles wisely. From where I sit, it seems you're winning by having a man who cares about you and who's not too set in his ways to consider how things affect you. Win-win solutions are best when possible, and it seems like you have that; ( many couples don't). Good luck to you both.

Answer 2

Yeah, this is a major delimia. A real doozie when it comes to marrage. I've seen several couples get in fights over this one.

Here's what you have to understand: To a guy, porn is not what it is to you. You feel threatened by it. As though because he is looking at other women he is somehow interested in them, or even attracted to them in the traditional sense. He is not. In fact, in his mind, the word women doesn't even apply. On a very deep biological level, to a guy, women are just objects to have sex with and we are programmed to have sex with as many as possible. So porn becomes an outlet for this deep seated biological drive since we have risen above it.

Clearly he loves you and cares for you, so at no point should you think that he give two iotas about the porn ladies, because to him they are not even real.

Here is what he needs to understand: While to him they mean nothing, to you they do. You have a hard time understanding his point of view, and thus the whole concpet hurts your feelings. He needs to understand that to you this is similar to how he would feel if you were cheating on him. Women don't see porn the same way men do, and both views are ligitmate.

Some couples I have have found a middle ground, such as one magazine or something a month. But, I belive that with the common understanding, you two can come to some sort of agreement.

Answer 3

Uh... owch that sux. Well first of all if he loves you he will respect your authority. Secondly, have you ever seen porn, it is pretty good stuff depending on if it is tasteful. Third, it is a proven fact that human beings enjoy looking at other human beings, it is just nature, and I know that it is compleatly healthy, UNLESS you are very emotionally disturbed then it is not healthy FOR YOU. You can not change mens habits, it wont happen, it doesnt matter how good you are he will want the porn too, I would suggest that you tell him again how much it hurts you and that you know he is sneaking around, let him know that if your relationship is important he will respect you if not tell him to kick rocks..move onto something less stressing for you..

Answer 4

Let it ride. As long as he doesn't pop in porn in the midst of you and him making love. Let him have that. As long as he makes love to you and only you, this is a battle that I would not engage in. Let him fantasize or get his rocks off. It doesn't mean that you are not the bomb. Men like variety. If he gets his by watching some porn in private, that's better than sexing another female. If you absolutely can not live with it, demand that he stop. He might resent you for it and more problems could arise. Also, as long as he doesn't try to get you to do things sexually that you are not comfortable with, it should be okay. Enjoy your man. He is not perfect but sounds like a catch and you sound like a good woman. It's getting more and more rare to find 2 good people together. He may just be trying to spice things up. Talk to him and explore new things that you both enjoy. Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 5

What you need to do is really find out why he looks at porn. My husband would kick my *** for telling you this but here goes anyways, maybe it will make you feel better. Guys wack off right? Its natural right? He said its easier to look at porn while he does it than at a blank wall. I know he's faithful to me and FINALLY THANK GOD, I got over the whole insecurity thing. I know he doesnt even remember what those girls look like, he's basically using it as a tool. Its nice that he was honest about it. He used to lie and hide it all the time until he finally gave up and told me why he does it and that he lied about it because he was embarrased to tell me. Makes sense.

Answer 6

If your husband enjoys looking at porn its fulfilling some kind of fantasy that he needs. If he is filling that void by looking at a Tv screen but making love to you at the end of the day does it really matter? The women on here that say otherwise more than likely dont know their man is doing it!! Which makes it worse at least your guy is upfront about it

Answer 7

You are dealing with an ADDICTION and understand that dealing with ADDICTIONS and addicts require a whole different kind of psychology. Here are some great links for you, but first: Know that prayer changes things, do you hear me? Everyone struggles with something. Thank God your man is good to you but he needs more help that you can provide alone to be delivered from this STRONGHOLD of porn addiction. Either accept this and you can and will adapt, or sorry to sound simplistic, but decide you are NOT going to give up the fight until you are victorious. Godspeed and blessings to you and yours.

http://liquidchurch.typepad.com/liquidchurch/2005/10/struggling_get_.html
http://www.firesofdarkness.com/

Answer 8

It's not going to happen. Be thankful that he is faithful to you. And stop trying to change what a person is. Your additude is how divorce happens. He is not cheating. If he desires to look at pornographic material, that's just nature. Men are visually stimulated. Women are not, in the same way. As long as he keeps his disires centered on film (and unless you continue harassing him about it, they will), it is a totally harmless passtime. YOU, making a huge deal out of it, will degrade the relationship. He isn't cheating, and you're thinking of it and him, as if he IS. THIS will eventually cause him to resent you, and may lead to him leaving. And for those of you women who say you put your foot down, and your husbands stopped viewing; You are SERIOUSLY deluding yourselves. You've only driven his viewing further underground. Plain and simple. You WILL NOT stop it. It is human, male nature.

Answer 9

You are the one he desires. Just because he is looking at porn doesn't mean he doesn't want you. He could be looking at porn and then going out to find someone else but he's not. Men are very visual and enjoy looking, what's the harm in that.

Answer 10

The unfortunate truth is men like variety. While they may love you very much and still get turned on by you, they do like to see what else is out there. It is part of our biology and it sucks for women. Don't take it as an insult. That will make it only worse. Talk to him and keep the lines of communication and your mind open.