who ever can make me laugh the most gets 10 points?

Answer 1

i know a homosexual with a 1inch willy hes called Justin Sidebottom

Answer 2

A blind man walks into his local supermarket and starts to swing his guide
dog around his head ...

Manager of shop: What on earth or you doing sir?

Blind Man: Oh nothing, just having a look around ......


Linda's dishwasher broke down so she called a repairman. Since she had to go
to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the
doormat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post
you a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Linda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, swearing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut
up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!!

Answer 3

One day in school the teacher turns and says "today childrens I would like You to write me a story, and in the story anywhere write maybe if I can" so the children set to work. But little dirty jimmy was stuck and had no idea what to write. Half an hour passed and the teacher says "ok everyone put your pens down"
her eyes glance around the class "sadie you can go first"
Sadies says "when I grow up to be a lady, I wanna have a baby maybe if I can". "welldone sadie that was great" says the teacher
"And dan" dan says "When I grow up to be a man, I wanna drive a van maybe if I can". "That was fantastic dan welldone and finally jimmy" Jimmy was stuck he still had not written a thing, but then he had this bright idea. "when I grow up to be a man, I don't wanna be like dan and drive a van, and if sadie wants a baby then I'm her man and I don't mean maybe if I can"

Answer 4

A guy comes into a bar & puts a little piano on it. Out of his pocket jumps a little man, about a foot high. HE starts to play the tiny piano.
"In my pocket," says the guy, "I have a bottle with a geanie in it. He will give you 1 wish."
"ok," says the barman.
The guy removes the bottle from his pocket & uncorks it.
"I wish for a million bucks!" says the barman.
3 seconds later a duck walks into the bar, followed by another, & another, & another. Soon 1 million ducks are squashed into the bar.
The barman sighs.
"Your geanie doesn't have very good hearing does he?" he asks.
"Do you really think," replies the guy, "that i wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

Answer 5

OK I'll try. This is a Christmas Carol I rewrote. Hark I Hear The Assholes Singing.

Hark I hear the assholes singing,
warning of the gloom their bringing,
Hate this planet rage runs wild,
Screw every sinner and pedophile,
Hateful people full of lies,
Beat them all until they die,
With a baseball bat I hit,
This puts an end to their bullshit,
Hark the assholes are no more,
I kicked their asses out my door.

Christ these assholes aren't adored,
Christ there everlasting Lord,
Dread their time here,
Makes me cry, Their at my door why can't they die,
Disguised in costumes of good cheer,
Behind their masks is what I fear,
Why must they make my life hell?
They think their **** doesn't smell,
Hark the assholes went away,
Hope they don't come back I do pray.

Answer 6

So this rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks him over and says" We don't serve ropes beer in this bar." The rope goes outside, ties himself in the middle and frazzles one end of himself then returns to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks him up and down and asks "aren't you that rope that was just in here?" The rope promptly replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"

Answer 7

Bluebottle: What time is it Eccles?
Eccles: Err, just a minute. I've got it written down on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning.
Bluebottle: Ooooh, then why do you carry it around with you Eccles?
Eccles: Welll, um, if a anybody asks me the time, I can show it to dem.
Bluebottle: Wait a minute Eccles, my good man.
Eccles: What is it fellow?
Bluebottle: It's writted on this bit of paper, what is eight o'clock, is writted.
Eccles: I know that my good fellow. That's right, um, when I asked the fella to write it down, it was eight o'clock.
Bluebottle: Well then. Supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn't eight o'clock?
Eccles: Well den, I don't show it to 'em.
Bluebottle: Ooohhh.
Eccles: [smacks lips] yeah.
Bluebottle: Well how do you know when it's eight o'clock?
Eccles: I've got it written down on a piece of paper.
Bluebottle: Ohh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written on.
Eccles: Oohhhh.
Bluebottle: 'Ere Eccles?
Eccles: Yah.
Bluebottle: Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear would you? 'Ere. This piece of paper ain't goin'
Eccles: What? I've been sold a forgery.
Bluebottle: No wonder it stopped at eight o'clock.
Eccles: Oh dear.
Bluebottle: You should get one of them tings my Grandad's got.
Eccles: Oooohhh.
Bluebottle: His firm give it to him when he retired.
Eccles: Oooohhh.
Bluebottle: It's one of dem tings what it is that wakes you up at eight o'clock, boils the kettil, and pours a cuppa tea.
Eccles: Ohhh yeah. What's it called? Um.
Bluebottle: My Granma.
Eccles: Ohh. Ohh, wait a minute. How does she know when it's eight o'clock.
Bluebottle: She's got it written down on a piece of paper.

Answer 8

i have a friend who is a bit like a victor meldrew without the moaning, if it gonna happen it happens to him! we were all in the pub and he came down the stairs just ahead of another guy and he thought one of our mates kept hitting him on his bum and got really cross about it....meantime behind him the man that had been following him down the stairs fell right down to the bottom, by this point we were all wetting ourselves laughing and our friend thought we were laughing at him! eventually we pointed out that the ''hitting'' he could feel was in fact a white stick (for the blind) the guy following him had stuck it into the back of our friends shoe and cos he'd walked off the stick had stayed in there and the poor blind guy fell down the stairs while the stick kept smacking our friend on the bum as he walked (no blind people were injured during these events)

Answer 9

A man goes to the hospital for he suffers from coughing. Accidently he is hospitalized to the Psychriatric Ward. 2 weeks later a friend of him comes to visit. While they are sitting in the garden:
-Are you still coughing badly?
-Yes, there is no change. But I am not obsessed with it anymore!!!!

Answer 10

Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, "Wait a minute" and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns. The other dog says, "What was that all about?" The first dog replies, "Just checking my messages!"

Answer 11

hahaha. doesnt matter. u make me laugh at u... look for an entertainer instead..who cares about 10 points?lol