We have been married for 8 years, it seems that we have only been best friends,business partners. We are not in love with each other. We have 2 children 6 & 3. We do not want to divorce and we do not want to stay together just for the kids. We both know we deserve to be loved.We enjoy each others company and we rarely fight. This is a hard decision for both of us. Can we realisticly get a divorce and remain friends?
2006-08-07 04:27:44 · 147 answers · asked by lookingforanswers 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Judging by the other responses here, mine isn't going to be very popular, but since it's a free forum...and you did ask :)..Here goes. The reigning theme I got from everything you said is this: why on earth are you even contemplating divorce? Is there some bigger issue there like cheating, abuse of some sort, unsupportiveness? You are best friends (always the best foundation for a marriage), business partners (so the fights concerning money might be less dramatic), you share 3 children who were created by the two of you...being together. You don't fight much (so you must agree on the big stuff), and you enjoy each other's company. And yet you say you're not in love with each other. Hmph. Love is something you DO not something you FEEL.
I find it HORRIBLE that everyone here is so upbeat and positive about a divorce in this situation. It is not acceptable to divorce someone just b/c you're not in love with them anymore. I say you're wrong. You love this person very much, otherwise you would not share a strong friendship and years of companionship. Don't give up so easy. You're chasing that new lusty feeling you get when you first meet someone, and no, you're not likely to get that back with your partner, but there's something much better: the trust of a longstanding relationship. The comfort of knowing what you're going home to. The security of knowing you are undeniably loved. Being 'in love' doesn't last very long. And if you expect it to you will find yourself divorced every few years. Love is something you have to work at. Ever heard that song 'Love is a Verb'? It's totally true. Love is something you work at. That blossomy, heartbusting thing you feel in the beginning isn't a lasting feeling, so you're chasing a temporary emotion.
If everything you say is true, this is love, and I don't understand how you can say it's not, just cuz maybe you don't quite have the hots 24/7 for your partner the way you used to. Work at it. Put some spark back into it. You're in a rut, work at getting out of it, b/c there's nothing better out there than what you have already. And to damage your kids and the life you've already built with this person just b/c neither of you is 'feeling' in love at the moment is a bad idea. Yeah, I'm sure you could stay friends if you got divorced. At least for a while, till one of you started seeing someone else. But if you can stay friends...than why not stay married? I've heard people say Friends Make The BestLovers, but not Friends Make The Best Exes! LOL
It is a myth that there is one person out there that will completely fulfill and satisfy you for the rest of your life. Love is more than a feeling, it's your decisions and actions every day. You have to choose to love this person. Most divorces now are a result of being disappointed. Being disappointed is a choice you make.
2006-08-07 17:12:45 · answer #1 · answered by littleangelfire81 6 · 15⤊ 4⤋
I was married for 17 years and things just went badly; we always nitpicked, fought etc, but we had a nice life, great house the stuff that you want. Finally we couldn't stand it anymore and we split up. He moved 300 miles away and for a year I just spoke to him maybe 2 times a month. But there were so many things that we had because of history together and then we started talking to each other more and fast forward 1 year and he really is my best friend. It's unlikely we'll ever get together again, but he comes here and stays a week I go there and stay for a few days. When we got all the S**t that takes place in a marriage, decided to respect each other as people and not have these expectations of the perfect life, the perfect spouse we were GREAT... So yes it can be done..Quite frankly if I can do it anyone can, as I have a horrible temper and can remember the date and the Time that someone crossed me!
2006-08-08 00:25:09 · answer #2 · answered by Sidoney 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Well Good Question ...
Yes You Could If Both of You Want To Be Friends ...If You Dont Fight Then im Sure You Will Be Great Friends Because You Dont Really Have Problems You Only are Not in Love ..
Look Theres Only 1 Life, Live it the Way You Want it ...
And For the Kids its Better that You Are Friends Than Just Being Separated ....
Yes You Can Get Divorced and Remain Friends ...
Thanks For Asking and Good Luck ..
2006-08-07 20:00:12 · answer #3 · answered by Unique !! 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The kids are the driving force behind remaining friends. Our two best friends divorced over 10 years ago, and remain good friends both having remarried over time. They share concerns over the kids, work out schedules where the kids always get the benefit of both parents and attend events together for the kids sake. They do maintain their own lives but seem to look after each other when needed. Even the new spouses have a friendly relationship with the others. That's the friendship kicking in. You can do it and be happy!
2006-08-07 10:21:58 · answer #4 · answered by michael g 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You really should first take a hard look at your expectations from love and marriage. We have been conditioned by society, movies, books, TV, etc., to believe that there is a magical love for us where we will always be happy and feel "in love".
The truth is, almost all married people have times when they are not feeling great about things. You enjoy each other's company and rarely fight. Believe me, that puts you ahead of 90% of married couples!
You do not want to stay together "just" for the kids? That's not a "just", it's huge! Kids suffer, and so you will you, regardless of how fabulously you manage to be friends. They will have to be split between homes, endure confusion about the new lovers that you each bring into your lives because you "deserve to be loved." And trust me, your new love will not feel the same way about your kids as you do, no matter what he says when he is trying to get into your life. Take a look at the stats on this if you doubt it. Talk to someone who is a step-parent, or who is remarried with kids.
I hope you will learn to accept that love is a choice. A verb. It is something that you do, not something magical that happens to you. If you behave in loving ways, that is love. If you don't, then why don't you?! The feelings come and go. Over time, if you stick with it, and there is mutual respect involved, you will discover that there is a love beyond the warm fuzzies that you felt when you first connected. That goes away, though it can return again if you continue to remain committed and to be loving to one another.
As to remaining friends, yes it can happen. And your goal should be to be decent and civilized with one another. But if you can be friends, and you have two young children together . . . why divorce?
What are you really looking for in marriage?
I hope, for the sake of the children, that you will put their needs ahead of your own. Find a competent counselor, for yourselves if not for the marriage.
When you change partners, you are likely to face the same problems all over again in a few years. But the damage done to the kids cannot be reversed.
2006-08-07 09:23:26 · answer #5 · answered by Libertarians 4 real choice 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Absolutely! It has been done thousands of times. If you feel you have been best friends and business partners but admit to each other, you are not in love, no problem.
The children deserve two parents that are happy. Since you seem to have it all together now, just tell the kids the truth. You are divorcing but not in anger. They will still have both parents but the parents will be happier. Your children will feel better about it if you both explain that you two are friends. It's harder on the children if the divorce is messy.
At first, they will feel upset but they will understand that their world is still complete, when they see the two of you enjoying visits and sharing responsibilities for the children. If you still attend school functions together and are there when they need you, the children will adapt better than you think.
If after 8 years, there is no romantic love, it would be unrealistic to advise you to go to marriage counseling.
2006-08-07 09:35:35 · answer #6 · answered by lothespiritalker 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course you can remain friends. The problem is that you have brought children into this. If you rarely fight and get along so well then I would stay together because it is worth it to your kids. Stop being so selfish and thinking of YOU being loved. You are loved by those kids and they do not deserve to be in the middle of this...So I say SUCK IT UP!!!!! And wait until the kids have turned 18 and don't make anymore...You two decided to get married in the first place...You only have 15 more years...Who knows maybe you will fall in love...(try acting like you are in love...it could be the best thing you've ever had)
2006-08-07 07:13:35 · answer #7 · answered by EmmaGee 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think its wonderful that 2 people can have such a great friendship and still make the ultimate decision to split up and remain friends. Not too many people can do this, trust me. I think that so many marriages are ruined by things said and done that cannot be taken back. There is usually alot of hurt and pain especially because most couples remain together until the very bitter end instead of seeing the relationship for what it really was. You and your spouse sound like you have such a special relationship to be able to move on, but in a way that you both can agree instead of fight. I believe the two of you will be fine. Lots of luck!
2006-08-07 07:06:02 · answer #8 · answered by CTMEDS 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
pbeat and positive about a divorce in this situation. It is not acceptable to divorce someone just b/c you're not in love with them anymore. I say you're wrong. You love this person very much, otherwise you would not share a strong friendship and years of companionship. Don't give up so easy. You're chasing that new lusty feeling you get when you first meet someone, and no, you're not likely to get that back with your partner, but there's something much better: the trust of a longstanding relationship. The comfort of knowing what you're going home to. The security of knowing you are undeniably loved. Being 'in love' doesn't last very long. And if you expect it to you will find yourself divorced every few years. Love is something you have to work at. Ever heard that song 'Love is a Verb'? It's totally true. Love is something you work at. That blossomy, heartbusting thing you feel in the beginning isn't a lasting feelin
2014-09-24 03:19:19 · answer #9 · answered by Russell 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you're not in love with each other. Hmph. Love is something you DO not something you FEEL.
I find it HORRIBLE that everyone here is so upbeat and positive about a divorce in this situation. It is not acceptable to divorce someone just b/c you're not in love with them anymore. I say you're wrong. You love this person very much, otherwise you would not share a strong friendship and years of companionship. Don't give up so easy. You're chasing that new lusty feeling you get when you first meet someone, and no, you're not likely to get that back with your partner, but there's something much better: the trust of a longstanding relationship. The comfort of knowing what you're going home to. The security of knowing you are undeniably loved. Being 'in love' doesn't last very long. And if you expect it to you will find yourself divorced every few years. Love is something you have to work at. Ever heard that song 'Love is a Verb'? It's totally true. Love is something you work at. That blossomy, heartbusting thing you feel in the beginning isn't a lasting feeling, so you're chasing a temporary emotion.
2014-11-07 06:55:29 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋