who wants free points??

Question

im having a bad day...can someone tell a joke or write something random that will make me laugh?? thanks!

Answer 1

Five naked men are running in a straight line, and the first one stops.

Answer 2

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test TICKLES!!

Answer 3

Here's one and no offense to any blondes in here.

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and
remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Answer 4

If you watch House, you'll get this. If not, you should watch it, it's the funniest drama you'll ever see!

*****

Cuddy looked around nervously as she entered House’s office. She tiptoed over to his desk and placed his Vicodin refill where he would be sure to see that she’d gotten it for him.

When House came back to his office from the clinic an hour later, he spied the bottle. “Hello, friend,” he said to himself. He opened the bottle to shake a pill out, but nothing happened. He looked closely and reached a finger in, but the pills were all stuck together and to the inside of the little brown bottle.

“Wilson!” He yelled, bolting up from the chair.

Cuddy snickered from down the hall, the small tube of superglue safely tucked in her pocket.

*****

Answer 5

An elderly man is sitting on a park bench balling his eyes out. A younger man comes up to him and askes him what's wrong. He replies, " Im a billionaire. My wife is twenty three, and she gives me sex any time I want. She loves me, and she is hot. The house we live in has 20 bedrooms, 20 baths, and 30 fireplaces. We have pools and gardens. I have luxury property all over the world, a huge staff at my beck and call, and a jet on standby to take me whereever I want."
The younger man says, "Well, it sounds like you have a great life!! Why in the world are you crying?"
The old man exclaims, "I CANT REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

Answer 6

A duck went into a bar. Everyone in the bar look at the duck. The owner of the bar wanted to chase the duck away from his bar. As the duck approached the counter, he told the duck, “I’m sorry but we don’t serve any duck here.” The clever duck smiled and replied, “It’s OK for me. I just want a glass of beer.”

Answer 7

3 tourists one was from India, the other was Arab and the other from Argentina to an small hotel, there was only one room and a barn wehre also were animals so in the room the indian sais , I will go to the barn to sleep, but minutes later he comes back and sais I cannot sleep there because there is cow and they are holy for us, so then the Arab offers to go to the barn and he returns and sais that he cant sleep there because there is a pig and that is against his religion so the Argentinian went to the barn and a minute later the cow and the pig went to the romm sayin we cant sleep inthe barn there is an argentinian sleeping there

Answer 8

Here's a dirty joke for you:

A pig fell in the mud.

Here's a dirtier joke for you:

Two pigs fell in the mud.

My mother, a true lady in every sense of the word, used to tell those.

Answer 9

If you take a dog and a pony, and tie them both to a tree, the ... um ... yeah, I forget the answer to that one. It was hilarious though. I can make my eyebrows dance.

Um. that was fairly useless really.

Hopefully, the consolation is that the crapness of the answer will be funny in itself.

Also, someone has tried to cheer you up. Thought counts, 'member?

Answer 10

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan. Yo mama so dirty that you can't tell where the dirt stops and she begins.


it is a joke. just trying to cheer you up.

Answer 11

How about a riddle it will take your mind in another direction:
What goes up, down, but never goes anywhere? No one I have asked this of has ever been able to answer it. Good Luck