I'm heading towards divorce what should I do.?

Question

I have a problem with my wife, ok we have a problem. I've been married three months and our fights are getting worst, I try to be the bigger person and just let it go, but she just keeps on and on and on until we just blow up and the fight gets bad. I never have and never will hit a woman, but this girl makes me think twice about that, I don't think I should be with someone that make me that angry right? The point it that's its getting bad and I don't know what to do, I just want to be happy....

Answer 1

Well, I can't tell you specifically what's going on because of lack of detail. I am approaching my 14th anniversary of a (sometimes rocky) marriage, however, so I'll share with you some of what I know.

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1. Three months isn't very long at all. It's barely enough time to get your feet in the water and realize they're wet. Your fighting isn't a sign that the marriage was a bad idea, it's just a sign (right now) that you are entering real relationship (where you have to negotiate the rules of the marriage) rather than the rose-colored romantic aspects of the dating relationship. Now commitment is more important than ever -- and you will face this stage in any marriage, usually, no matter whether it is this one or another.

2. Married couples fight. The difference is not in whether they fight (sometimes loudly and angrily) but in how they resolve the fight. If both people aren't good at relationships, sometimes the fighting will carry through a long time and become very volatile. Don't let the current strife dissuade you from trying to work through things.

3. I understand that you are expressing not that you are going to "hit" your wife but that you really are so frustrated that you want to. Guys are geared to that sort of physical reaction/aggression, so it's understandable. Just tell yourself now (and keep telling yourself) that you will never EVER ever hit your wife; it is not even an option, no matter how mad you get. You have to stay on top of that one. Never hit her.... even if she hits you. Just don't go there.

4. Your reaction seems typical of *most* guys. You want to let the tension go, not make a mountain into a molehill, and move on from the problem. Your wife isn't letting it go because she doesn't feel the conflict is actually resolved. She is actually unable to "let go" because she's still hurt/bothered and has to live with that daily.

I don't know your wife's "relating" style -- whether she is being unfair, or nagging you, or trying to manipulate you. Maybe she is, and you're "more in the right" -- but it doesn't matter in the sense that you are both in the marriage, so you both have to make it work and figure out how the other person "ticks."

For whatever reason, she is feeling threatened or disappointed by something in the relationship. Your task is to figure out what and why, discuss it with her, and negotiate what you can do to help and what you think is unfair for her to ask. Don't burn bridges; always listen and try to understand her POV (explain it back to her if you have to; and have her confirm it).


5. You won't be able to stuff things forever. Right now, that's what I think you're doing -- just trying to "tolerate" or stick out the conflict until it stops, but things just seem to be building up inside of you, and eventually you will blow.

You need to consciously make an attitude shift, set aside your own wishes, remind yourself that you love your wife, and see her not as an enemy but as someone you want to love and care for and help. Seriously, I would tell yourself inside during the fight, "She is not my enemy. I love her. I need to find out what's hurting her and face it together." You have to continually reorient your feelings.

This is hard when you feel she is not meeting your needs or she has hurt you or disappointed you, or seems to be nagging you unfairly. Remember that she is feeling the same way -- that her needs are not being met, and it's scary for her to put her own desires aside and just try to find out how to help and love YOU. One of you has to do it first, and you can only control yourself.

6. I think people can be very very happy in their marriages after working through issues (and some matches have less friction than others to start with), but happiness is not the reason to get married. If it is, the marriage usually fails. In the marriage, it is no longer about being personally happy but supporting the other person and helping them to become everything you can envision they might someday. This mutual encouragement, support, and love is what brings the lasting happiness many of us desire, however.

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I can't tell you what to do, and I am not going to water down how hard marriage can be with some couples. All I can do is tell you that you are on the same path that many successful marriages have walked before you, strife and all; and now the real work begins, throughout which you will start reaping different rewards than what you originally expected.

I would keep asking myself, "What were the things I saw in my wife that led me to marry her? Why do I love her? What do I value in her? How does she change me for the better?" and "What is really bothering her, and how can I help her face those things and work through them?"

My wife and I still have hard times in our marriage because we are very different. I wish things had been easier. Despite the problems, we have both profoundly changed each other and made each other better people. Working through the rough spots allows for the potential for deeper happiness than the peace you are hoping to gain by not facing the problem head-on...

Good luck.

Answer 2

Were you a couple a long time or short time before marriage? Was it this way then? Here is my suggestion:

A counselor told me that most married people don't know how to argue. They thing the louder you yell the better your chances of winning. I was amazed to learn that there are rules about arguing.

1) NEVER get into an argument when you are angry about something. HUH? doesn't make sense does it? People say things that hurt their spouse when their emotions are out of control. What you have been doing is correct. Just say "Not now." and walk away.

2) Schedule a time to discuss the issue the next day. After sleeping on it over night you are more inclined to be able to discuss it the next day without all the emotion.

3) No yelling, no putting blame, no name calling, etc. during the discussion. Each person calmly explains their feelings on the issue and you try to negotiate a truce.

4) If the emotions begin to flare, postpone the discussion until another time.

5) One the issue has been resolved, do not go over and over the same thing again.

This takes a lot of practice, but it works. I use it with my children, too. The household is more peaceful with less confrontation.

Answer 3

First off when the argument gets to heated, your right in walking away, if she tries to continue the argument, leave and tell her that you can discuse the problem when you have both calmed down. Don't give her the option of to continue the discusion. Like you, I firmly belive in never hitting a woman, and like you my wife has on several occations given me reasion to rething that position, but I still never have. You have to be the bigger man, and put a end to it when you say so. Part of this may be comming from the fact that you are newly weds and are still learning about eachother. Take some time and really pay attention to what trigers these arguments so that you can avoid them in the future. When me and my wife were first married we had many such argument, we however, made the commitment and decided that divorse was not even an option with the exception of infadelity (then it would only be a possiblity, if every other action taken failed). You have to examin your commitment and determin your willing to do what ever it takes to make your marrige work. It will include change on both sides and a desire to understand eachother to make you marrige one that will last the test of time.

Answer 4

Yes, you have a right to be happy. I would not want to have a marriage where all we do is argue and fight because then I don't have a marriage were just only married.

As the saying goes, I can do bad all by myself. If I am with someone, I must be happy or its time to re valuate whether I need that someone in my life because I refuse to live under
a cloud of dysfunction when I can be happy alone.


A marriage is what you do in it and how you work as a team for the better of your relationship but when you constantly argue and fight, you destroy the fabric of your marriage and that opens you up to cheating, lying, deceiving, and being untrustworthy to your mate because your unhappy with such person.

My gosh, I would have liked to know what's all this fighting about.

Answer 5

Dealing with people who push all of your wrong buttons is quite tough. She will continue to push you to the limits and you're right, it will get worse...next thing you know, the police will be knocking on your door.

Try couple's therapy first...maybe you're communicating with each other in the wrong way. You need to learn how to communicate anger and disappointment in a healthy way. All couples get angry with each other, so you're not alone in this issue.

If she refuses to go to counseling, then move out for a bit and see if you could work out your issues while you're apart from one another. Use this time to re-evaluate your relationship. Maybe with the threat of you moving out, she will go to counseling with you. Good luck.

Answer 6

How long did you know your wife before you two were married? I was married for 11 years and will be divorced before the end of August. Maybe you could suggest marriage counseling. I wish my ex-husband would have been open to counseling. Divorce may or may not be the answer. Try to get the issues resolved before just bailing out. You guys are still in the honeymoon stage. I would serioulsy consider counseling.

Answer 7

Ask yourself why did you marry her and then ask yourself what is so different that is making you guys fight. Everyone wants to be happy and we all have fights with the other spouse if you really love her you will find out why the fights are so bad and what can be done to fix them and yes sometimes they can not be fixed and maybe you will need to leave and get yourself out of that area but it all depends on how you feel about your wife and if you are willing to work things out when women get understress fighting is the easy way out and so is yelling we also will do this when we can not open up to a person or to protect our feelings. Sit down and talk to her one last time tell her that its got to stop and you both need to work on things or the marriage will not work out. Good Luck

Answer 8

everybody screams therapy or counseling....if you already need it at 3 months...get out and leave it as a lesson learned....surely the 2 of you wouldn't have gotten married if things had been this bad beforehand...one thing to think about, though (for both of you) is that getting married should not change ANYTHING about your relationship, and it sounds like maybe that has happened... also sounds like unrealistic expectations on both ends....

Answer 9

Therapy. Therapy.
If you're one of those guys who "won't go to therapy" think of it this way.......
Is sitting there sharing your problems with a third party so bad if it can help you avoid divorce? What are you willing to do to save your marriage?

Answer 10

If she makes you that angry after only being married for 3 months then maybe you guys made a mistake of getting married. Better to get out while things are still new. The longer you wait, the harder it is.