Talk to me. Be there for me. Do I ask too much of my husband?

Question

As new parents with a baby 6m, seems a greater spotlight has been placed on our relationship. Over enthusiastic inlaws wanting to stay weekends regularly has brought a rift between us as I gently asked them to space their visits to us. I am overwhelmed as a working mother and have my own large family wanting to visit. My husband who is close to them was furious + his crying mother on the phone brought response: upset them, you upset me. Further things said by him was that I am selfish; I don't understand you. I pleaed for him to have empathy with me + that the visits situation is not an all or nothing, but a balance. He barely spoke to me for days

Our financials have some pressure now, my own self employed work suffers for lack of time with baby. I have a business dept to manage. He says it is my debt to sort myself, but recently u-turned to say it is ours.

We are at peace but I worry he's not yet said words that bring me emotional security.Can we get back on track?

Answer 1

I have five kids and my kids don't have any grandparents that seem to care but I have to say that I would HATE to be in your shoes. It is one thing for the grandparents to want to be involved in your lives and your baby's life but they are overstepping their boundaries of your need for privacy. You need to re-establish intimacy and all those things that you tend to lose after having a baby.

It sounds like he is probably a momma's boy and she is using it to put a rift in your marriage. There I have some experience. You need to stand your ground. Don't allow her or your husband to make you into a doormat. You have a right to have a life without people barging in all of the time.

As for your finances and having time for the baby, he needs to support you, That is what marriage is about. He has to understand that this is the period of time you are most at risk for postpartum depression and him being unsupportive is selfish and disrespective of your feelings and relationship. It sounds like you are being a very good mom and doing the best you can. Peace is not enough. He needs to offer you words of encouragement and support....and he needs to make mom back off. Good luck from one jilted daughter in law to another....

Answer 2

This is just my advice. Me and my wife don't like having many visitors anyway, so maybe you can manage more than I recommend here. Or maybe you can't!

You are being completely reasonable in your request for more time away from visits.

You both need to tell your families not to visit for at least two weeks.

Then after that they can come and visit for a maximum of two hours on a sunday, so that is four visits per month.

They are only allowed to visit, they must not stay overnight. If they are traveling a long way they can stay in a cheap bed and breakfast/motel or something nearby. They must not expect food to be served to them.

It is understandable that they want to come and see their newborn relative and they probably only see things from their perspective -"what's wrong? We only want to visit!" - not thinking about all the other people who want to visist. Older people who are retired or don't have kids at home probably forget how hectic life is for the rest of us. But a) two hours is enough and b) they have no god-given right to visit anyway and c) their pride about having "enough" access to their grandhild etc. should come second place to your sanity.

If you oblige them then they must visit on your terms. You are doing them a favour.

If they question your conditions just tell them that the pressure of so many people wanting to visit was getting too much and the two of you were considering a divorce. That will shut them up and make them realise they are being selfish.

Families can be hard work but I recommend being very firm with everyone. Say that things are very pressured and stressful at the moment if you need to. Just be bluntly honest. If necessary you can even remind them that having a stressed mother is not good for a baby.

Have your diary with you when they phone, and then you can say - no that weekend is no good we have people visisting - no the next weekend we have people visiting etc. and they will eventually get an idea of what else is going on in your life. And remember to give them recommendations for accomodation and restaurants etc.

All the best!

Answer 3

Anyone would get fed up having inlaws staying regularly at weekends. Your space is being invaded. Has your hubby never heard of compromise ? You are a busy working mother and need time for yourself, baby and hubby without the interference of family. They can by all means come and visit but it has to be on your terms and not theirs. As for the money side of things, you and your hubby when you got married, were a partnership and not 2 individuals living together. Your financial affairs are a joint thing.
Your hubby is now a married man with a family of his own and it sounds as though he needs to cut the apron strings from his mother. Has he not heard of a great invention called the telephone? It's a great way of communicating.

Answer 4

You are going through a slightly extreme case of what all new families go through.
Don't panic, talk to himand explain how you feel, give him time with the baby, he needs to understand that you child is a shared responsibility. As for the in-laws, they are always a problem, use them to your advantage, get them to have baby for a few days if they will.

This will be good for baby, mum, dad and grandparents.

The inlaws are just trying to help, albeit in a hamfisted way. If you work the situation well then it will be smiles all round for the first birthday party

Answer 5

No person should ever go through the crap you two are going through. Unfortunately, what happened is that you two had a baby. EVERYBODY ends up stressed, bleary eyed, and 90% crazy when they have a child. The trick is to survive, and hopefully stay married. It's even better if neither kills a parent, or the moron who awakens the child (assuming you ever get the kid to sleep) Seriously, TRY to relax. (Yup, I know it is impossible) Keep in mind that someday, you will get to sleep again. You will get to relax. (probably AFTER the kid is in college) . Grandparents are the most wonderful thing ever created- IF you can refrain from killing them when they add to your stress level. Grandparents often actually WANT to have your child spend time with them- and THAT can be more necessary than food, water, or even sleep.( Remember sleep? Where you peacefully lay in bed, and gradually become unconscious?) Seriously, what's happening is normal. You, he, and both sets of parents are behaving normally. But, when new children are involved, insane IS normal. Good luck, you, like every new parents needs it.

Answer 6

Having a new baby is a very difficult and emotional time. Your hormones are still very active and will cause you to experience stress at a higher level than you would if you didn't have the amp-up effect of the hormones to deal with. It can be somewhat helpful to remember that post-partum emotions can be very manic, very depressive. Often new fathers feel that they need the attention and approval from their extended family to get them through the time when the wife is giving nearly all of her attention to the baby and requiring a good deal of attention and support from the new father. I say all of these things to let you know that the kind of thing you are going through is not unusual. However, if after having a confrontation, he barely speaks to you for days and leaves you feeling despondent and lonely and hurt~ he needs to know that is the natural consequence of his behavior~ for you to require reassurance and validation of your love and your cohesiveness as a couple where each person is as valid as the other. He needs to know that ESPECIALLY now, when you need to be able to channel all the love in the world into your baby that you need to feel his love; you need to have his support in every way so that you can feel secure and confident and loved enough to offer that same endless, unconditional love and trust to your child. In a sense he needs to offer you a lot of the same compassion that you have to constantly channel to the baby. It is hard for the new dads to understand what they need to do for the moms at this time, and it's hard for the mom's to tell the dads because the mom's are emotional beyond what the dad is used to. So, my suggestion is that you do your best to communicate this to your husband and see if you feel like you get more of what you need from him. It is more than reasonable for you to need to set limits on family visits, and right now, nothing sets precedence over your happiness and the baby's health and comfort.

Answer 7

yes, you will get back on track - he (and you) are just overwhelmed right now. Financial pressures, inlaw pressures, the stress of working and being new parents are bound to make you both a little anxious. In time, you will both balance things out.

Don't wait for the words - look for the actions.

Congratulations on your new baby! :)

Answer 8

if you love each other,then yes you can get back on track.......the first year or so with a new baby brings a lot of stress and no matter how many books or bits of advice we are given,we are never prepared for the changes they bring...

you and your husband need to keep the doors of communication open.....you need to work together as a partnership,it seems that you understand that,but your husband is taking a little longer to understand.

you and your husband need time on your own.....why dont you ask your relatives to baby sit for you,so that the pair of you can go out and spend time together....a baby neednt mean the end to dates with the one you love...get the magic back and the rest will follow.....and it could end the problem with weekend visitors all the time.......good luck

Answer 9

Newborns bring change in every ones life's. Adjustments need to be made and pressure on everything feels like they double. You and your hubby need to get back to your family. Not the families that raised you and your hubby. Your family you, hubby and children.
Your in laws or your parents need to back off and let your family be a family. Talk to your husband and explain you didn't marry your parents or his. They should be visiting on your and his terms. Not ones terms. I you want company and he doesn't company stays away. If he wants company and you don't company stays away. You both need to agree. That's what being a family is about.
Money. You both need to work on this. Marriages breakup because of it alot.

Answer 10

congrats for being new mother.
let me tell u tht if a guy is not telling u he loves u or cares for u tht dosent mean tht he isnt, men usually dont speak out there feelings, he too must be mentally exhausted , but u r right tht u r not wrong in asking him to talk 2 u or spare some time with u.. he always cares for you and its gud if u want some space.. he cARES for u more after the baby mark my words. after the baby ur relationship is cemented belive me,,,give the poor man some time and space..he has many other responsibilites, specially tackling his relatives specially his mother and sister.. he loves u and belive in that.