I have been married 16 years.........Should I leave HIM?

Question

I have been married 16 years and my husband works 13 hour shifts...he comes home every night 1 am. He works construction free lance....so he picks his schedule. I never see him. When he comes home he just lays on the sofa then sleeps. We make love about 1 a month. He neevr calles to check on me during the day, We have 5 KIDS!!!!! I work so much and take care of everything. He does nothign for them...he doesnt even make much money. I pay most of the bills but that not the point. He never checks on the kids and on me. We never go out.....NEVER.....and theres no love at all. I try and try and he doesnt care...or want to talk

Answer 1

Should you leave him? I don't know. 16 years and 5 kids. I definitly don't think you should leave him if it's not beyond repair. Have you talked to him about it lately? If not. Talk to him. No need to rush out of a relationship that can be fixed. It sounds like you two have a full load between the work and kids. That kind of thing can be a serious strain on a relationship. Does that mean you two don't love eachother anymore though?

Answer 2

You are in what is called the "doldrums" of a marriage. With 5 kids, you guys hardly know each other -- he's too busy working, and you too busy taking care of a household. Happens to any couple with that many children -- unfortunately couples don't realize that this is indeed what will happen because children are not binders of a marriage, they split it apart. In a marriage -- in a perfect marriage, we stay each other lovers, we stay involved with each other and nothing, not even kids gets in the way of weekly date, or our get away weekend a couple of times per year. But you two have the worse of the worst--- neither time nor money. One is not any good without the other, but to have neither is a disaster in a relationship.

Further, you said he won't talk -- he's probably too tired to talk, and it never occurrs to him to call to find out how you are doing, because he already knows -- you are working taking care of things, --- same ol' same ol. The cure? Get your kids raised and out of your house, then you'll have time to get re-acquainted. You win nothing by leaving him -- you two still have 5 kids to finish raising, and they need parents, even if the parents no longer think they need each other. You do, and you will, but you have taken on a huge burden by bringing into this world 5 kids. Now, they must come first. As my dad once said, "a divorce is a nice thing if you can afford it". You guys probably can't afford it right now, and to set up separate households would be financial suicide. So, find some things in your day or week that can be your time to yourself -- art, music, yoga, a movie, the gym, whatever. The only situation worse than the one you have now is to be a single mom of 5. All of this will pass, the kids will go, and you two will remember why you married. Small comfort for now, but it will have to be.

Answer 3

If he is coming home that late and not doing anything to show he cares about you and the kids I would be wondering what he is doing when he is not at home besides work. After 16 years and 5 kids something must have gone wrong down the line. If he is not willing to talk or do anything about this problem then you need to go to counciling by yourself and see what they can suggest for you. I dont think you should move on until you try everything. Talk to a proffesional. Good Luck!

Answer 4

Get over it or leave. I have been married for 13 years and 3 kids later my wife and I still don't do much because we are working and trying to take care of our kids. If he is working 13 hours a day honestly and he is not bring home big money deal with it. If you love him get over it. If you don't Leave. It is just that simple 5 kids or not if your not happy then your kids won't be either. 16 years and 5 kids later things aren't as bad as you say or your just another lost person in this world... This is life not a soap opera.

Answer 5

Children put a strain on a marriage. I know this firsthand. When they are young it seems like you are forever waiting on someone, cooking, and cleaning. You sound frustrated and frazzled, but, take heart, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Think about how fast time passes and how quickly kids grow up.

As far as the money... please remember that all work, even if not well paying, is honorable. He is out there doing a job, making money and keeping you and your (created together) children sheltered, clothed, and feed. Money, or lack thereof, adds more stress to this problem, but you can pull through. Ask him to adjust his schedule if possible.

Also, you need to be the one to make the first move to let him know that you still love him. I know you're stressed and have tons to do, but have you tried taking time out of your hectic day to call him? (yes, at work) I'm assuming that he has access to a phone since you want him to call you. Perhaps, he too feels hopeless and trapped. Maybe giving him a little encouragement and being his cheerleader will help.

Think in terms of a dog. A dog always, no matter how bad a day, comes running to its owner when he/she comes home. Now think of the owner. No matter how bad a day, he/she can always expect that dog to come bounding up to them joyful at their return. Now, I don't expect you to lick him or chew on his hand (wink wink), but think how much you would like to be greeted and talk to.

Enough of me rambling.... basically, I feel that there are only 3 reasons to ever leave a marriage. .. the 3 B's. Those being beatings, booze, and broads.

Hang in there!

Answer 6

Um if you truly loved him you would understand why he's like this and you would not leave him. Is it his fault he works so hard and that he's tired? Oh ya he's not doing anything for the kids huh? He's working his *** off just to make sure you guys are happy. You guys make love once a month? You know there's more to life then just sex. However you do have a point that he doesn't talk to you or check on you guys and stuff. What if there's something troubling him? I don't know, it could be anything. Try talking to him, and convince him to tell you why he's acting this way.

Answer 7

Oh my gosh are you my twin? My husband does the same thing. I've been married 10 yrs, with 5 kids and I do it all. The only thing he does is go to work, eat my cooking (When he comes home) and occupies our bed whenever he's not in his work truck. Mine is a heavy duty tow truck driver and I hardly ever see him. I take care of all responsibilities. Our house phone was out for three days because of a storm, he took the only cell phone we had to work with him. My mom had to let me borrow hers for those days.
Nope, they never change, I've accepted that fact. I stay for the paycheck,which is pretty decent. That and he hands the whole thing over to me.
I'm sorry you're going through what you are but to me it sounds like it's been over for a long time. Someone once told me that maybe my husband has already divorced me in his mind, maybe yours has done the same.

Answer 8

Yeah-Why is he coming in a 1:00 am ? I would talk to him and try to do some snooping and see what he is doing out at 1:00 in the morning. I know you got 5 kids and it would probably be hard on you if he leaves, but if your so unhappy it may be the only option.

Answer 9

i agree with Big Buddy. don't expect change. people have to be accepted as they are, if you don't like it then get out. 16 years is long enough for you to see his pattern and yours. i know that my husband will always be a pack-rat and i have to accept it or leave. have you tried talking to him about this? tell him you are unhappy and would like to go to counseling. be the one to take the step and make an appointment with a doc or counselor and tell your husband that you would like him to be there too. if he doesn't, then you know what you have to do - and do it! you are in control of your own life - you choose. never is a strong word. how did his father treat his mother? people learn how to treat their mates from the people that raised them. a marriage is a terrible thing to waste especially since there was enough love to make 5 children. he is being lazy or occupied with other things or people. try before you quit. you won't feel right unless do.

Answer 10

You need to talk to him about this - and seek out mutual counseling to find out what's going on -- most construction workers, even free lance do NOT stay out until 1am. If they DO, then they're usually Union workers making boo-koo bucks at some construction site, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck, looks like a duck, guess what it prolly is?