Divorce Problems...?

Question

ok, my parents got divorced when i was 4 months old, and i think it's really ****** me up, i don't even know who i am. i never got over it. the day i figured it out was qiute a sad day indeed. I want to know what happened, but NOONE will tell me. i just want to know why. and, i have an insane hope i can repair my parents relationship enough so they can both go to my high schol graduation, wedding (if i can find someone), etc...

once, in a 6th grade debate on which kind of parent was better(mom or dad), i had to leave the room, because i couldn't take it, it was something i didn't ever want to face. that really got to me. i learned soonafter that my grandfather and greatgrandfather also got divorced. i just want to not **** it up like that.

am i taking it 2 seriously?

do i have a right to know?

can i break the cycle?

o, its sole custody, 4 hours a week with my dad

also, if it helps, my only full-blood brother is autistic. and 1+1/2 years older than me...and about 8 inches taller...

Answer 1

You need professional help.
Your problems are normal, based on what you wrote. I do not know your age but do not allow your parents to cause you "problems", you are the victim" from the divorce.

Answer 2

Divorce can be hard on the children. I think its great that you recognize that your parents' divorce really ****** you up. This is a normal response, especially since they were divorced when you were so young. It was likely that you grew up with a sense of responsibilty for your parents' divorce, feeling guilty about it, as if you were the cause for their separation. I know this must be very painful for you, but its also important for you to understand that you were not responsible for their divorce. For whatever reason, your parents could not stay together, but this had nothing to do with you. It was all about THEM, their issues, their relationship, their personalities, their conflict, their decisons.

I can absolutely understand that you would want to know what happened. If you are a teenager, its reasonable for you to ask "what happened" and your mom and/or dad will hopefull provide an age appropriate response. They may not tell you everything you expect or hope to hear, and to be honest, even the most revealing answers will not get rid of the pain. However, opening up a discussion can perhaps provide you with some reassurance that you are not to blame for the divorce. You are an innocent by-stander, experiencing collateral damage from the conflict between your mom and dad.

It sounds like you might benefit from some counselling. Firstly, it is an opportunity to deal with the pain you feel. Secondly, it is a chance to explore some strategies to heal the parental rift in a small way. It is unlikely that your parents will get back together, but as you say, maybe there are some things you can do to encourage your parents to tolerate each other enough to be there for YOU at graduation, your wedding, or other important milestones. If you are in school, go talk to your guidance counsellor and see if he or she has any ideas or resources that can help you. There are likely some free therapy services in your area and your guidance counsellor should be able to make appropriate referrals.

Answer 3

Life is basically what we make of it. We learn from lifes lessons and move on from there. If you let someone else misfortunes rule your life then surely you will repeat it. No child at any age is responsible for what their parents do. They are just innocentvictims in something they can do nothing about. Most adults divorce because they can no longer exist together for whatever reason, finances, non compatability, dont see eye to eye anymore, whatever the reason they just want out and todays society makes it quite easy to do. You still have a Mom and Dad that probably love you very much,just not under the same roof. So its like having two sets of parents, but you may never know why, but it really doent matter.Whats eating you, is that you feel that somehow you are to blame and trust me, you arent. You shouldnt dwell on what has happened because you cant change yesterday, but live for today and tomorrow will take care of itself. Worry about where you want to go and how to accomplish your dreams, and make a personal vow never ever to repeat your parents misfortunes and you will break the cycle. Be someone that they all can be proud of. Good luck

Answer 4

You are you don't let this detrimeme who you are it's not fair to you
and they can't tell you why they probable don't know the answer they're self's most of us don't. I spend years wondering who I was and wasted a lot of time because my mom cheated on my dad and didn't know who my bio dad is for sure and my mom told me when I got my divorce that she wanted me to break the cycles and stay married you know want he abused me so many ways but she wanted me to break the cycle OK what I getting at is this it takes two to make it work and sometimes that is not enough when your time comes if you don't feel sure about it find some help but the big thing is talk to your partner and treat them like you want treated and always listen. There is no promises in life that it will be good take what you got and me YOU The best you can GOOD LUCK Be YOu not YOUr Mom and Dads divorce OK

Answer 5

are you serious? i know divorces are difficult things but be thankful it happened when you were 4 months old. you've lived with your parents being apart since before you can remember. there is absolutely no reason you should think they will ever be back together. and why do you long for a life you don't know? you've never known your parents to be together. i think yes you should be able to know why it happened but have you ever stopped to think that maybe right now you wouldn't understand? and what reason would either one of your parents miss these important events. there is no reason they'd have to sit together or even on the same side of the room. they may no longer love eachother but they both love you . you need to calm down and stop worrying about it. it happened for a reason and it happened when you wouldn't know that it did so stop pretending like it did. it didn't bother you when you were 5 and it shouldn't bother you now. your only memories is of them seperately. GET OVER IT! also just because there are family members that have been divorced doesn't mean you will.

Answer 6

It is hard. Sometimes it is worse if they stay together. Be happy that you still have them both and that they love you. People should not be forced to be together if they are not happy. I think they both should attend those functions for you. You can break the cycle. Some people quit trying after marriage thinking the little things are no longer important. That's not true they are still important now if not more so. If you marry make sure you have a good finical plan that is the biggest problem in most marriages, find someone who shares your belief system, and quit looking for other women after marriage and stay away from those who would wreck your marriage. Remember your wife should come before the other people in your life and she should do the same for you. I think you have a very good chance at a happy marriage. Don't consume your self with your parents marriage and don't let it doom yours.

Answer 7

I know exactly how you feel. My mom and Dad got divorced probably when i was 4 years old. I feel like I don't know my dad because he worked so much that he was never around anyway. They got divorced because he was cheating on my mom and the worst thing is that my dad and the woman that he was having an affair with while he was married to my mom, are married and have a family together now. My Dad lives 5 minutes up the road and I see him maybe 3 times a year. Whenever i'm with him I feel like I don't fit in and he doesn't make it any easier. We've never just had any alone time. His kids fromt his second marriage that he's in are always around. its like he just doesn't want to be with me and get to know his daughter. He forgets my birthday and never gives me birthday presents or christmas presents. It hurts a lot. Shoot, some nights I'll stay up crying just because I wish he knew how much he hurts me and I wish things were different. i really don't think you're taking it too seriously because if you are, then I must be too.

Answer 8

ok, have you had contact with both of your parents all this time? why do say it **** you up? it is all you have ever known? Just because your parents got divorced doesn't mean they don't love you equally! why do you want to repair the relationship after all this time? Let your parents be who they are and love them both. You have to make the best of this situation. No it is not fair that you are put in this, but don't blame everything on the fact that your parents got divorced when you were what? four months old. make a better life for yourself and deal with the fact that yes there can be Good relationships out there for you in the future.

Answer 9

No you are not taking it too seriously. This is strongly affecting your life and your heart.

Yes, you definitely have a right to know. However, there could be some very painful and embarrassing issues going on between your parents and they can't share certain details with you. It might be better to accept the fact that they grew apart.

Yes. Absolutely! You can definitely break the cycle. If you truly believe in yourself and, once you get married, believe in your lives together, you can make anything happen.

Marriage takes two people working together to remain strong. We can love forever. We don't always stay "in love" forever. What most people don't realize it that, it's o.k. not to be "in love", it comes and it goes. There are moments in life when things aren't all that great. As long as there is no abuse, rage, extreme anger, and hatred, we can always remember what made it special to begin with.

Answer 10

Perhaps your parents are still trying to protect you by not telling you why they divorced. I heard about the reasoning behind my parents' divorce, which happened when I was around seven, as an adult. It f's many of us up for life. Many of us continue to try to make the best of our life. Don't dwell on their mistakes or misfortune. You make of your life and relationships are you want. Don't feel you are doomed. I think you will just work that much harder to make your marriage work when it's time. You won't rush. Therefore, yes, you can break the cycle. It takes hard work on the part of both partners in a marriage. The roller coaster ride never seems to stop, but as long as you and your partner want your marriage to be successful, you'll do what you can to stay together. If you are that concerned with your emotions and well being, verbalize that to your parents. Tell them how much it would mean to you to deal with your past to move on to your future in a healthier, happier frame of mind. Don't hesitate to talk to professionals too to help you sort out your feelings/issues. I wish you so much luck!

Answer 11

No you're not taking it too seriously. Divorce does horrible, horrible things to children. You have a right to know. You can break the cycle--it will take hard work on your part. And I know the feeling of having to leave the room when the subject comes up. (I've walked out of movies for the same reason.) I suggest counseling. Help is available. Talk to a priest, minister, or school counselor and ask where you can find help.