i am engaged but questioning his reasons for asking me to marry him, any suggestions?

Question

I have been to personal counciling many times in the past. Learning where my flaws and insecurities are from and how to fix them. My fiance wants to blame me when he doesnt do something and it goes undone. He says that I never let him win. I dont know what we are supposed to be competing for. He says i tell him he is not a "man". When infact i have never known a better man than him. I feel he wants: a slave, an unintelligent woman , and for me to not ever have an opinion. I am a very strong single mother of two teenagers. I have a college education and have worked since I was 13 yrs old. I take care of my mother, my siblings, my friends and my children. I have never depended on anyone in my life to take care of me. So how do i get him to understand that i can not be stupid, nieve, lazy, irresponsible, nor can i allow other people to take from me what i do not offer them.

Answer 1

Sounds to me like you answered your own question in your last three sentences

Answer 2

Does your financee' have a plan for his life? Do you? Have you compared your plans to each other to see if you're both going in the same direction? I noticed that he said you don't let him ever "win". He obviously doesn't get the whole idea. You guys are not in competition, your are a team competing against this hard cruel world! That's why we get married ....if for no other reason to then to have someone to fight against the world with. It seems that you have worked very hard to got this far in life. You are not a slouch...you have obviously demonstrated your mastery over your world.

I would say you need to take a step back from this guy and reevaluate your life plan with him as your partner. Engagement is a time of perfect feelings. You should be flying high on togetherness. Having issues now is a wake-up-call of the highest precedence.

Check out the following website. Yes it has a weird title and is for guys but women can use it as well. It can answer your questions better than I can. It will also give you a "bird's eye" view of a guy's psyche. The book has a life plan you can look at.
http://www.condomsbrasandstraightjackets.com/
Good Luck

Answer 3

my goodness they say every woman has a twin in this world well I don't know what you look like or how old you are but you just described me to a T so take my advice. I have been married 3x. 3 different types problem: My Highly independent streak. Nurturing characteristic. It's OK when it's them but not when someone else has your attention. The one thing I common I realized I always kept finding in people(or people thought they could break in me) that I dated and especially married was a jealous nature, demanding in some area's, Has to be center of attention... Word to the wise take how you feel about the problems between you multiply by 10 and now can you spend the rest of your life with this man? If yes than He's for you.

Answer 4

You probably can't, and really why would you? He obviously isn't interested in you for who you are, he won't be happy unless you compromise yourself and those are HUGE clues that this relationship is NOT going to work. There are a million guys who will appreciate and adore a woman like you just the way you are, why are you wasting your time on one who can't manage to do that? And how can you say you have never known a better man than him when you just wrote a paragraph of issues he has that will make life with him absolutely miserable. You are intelligent, use that here, not your heart nothing will lie to you more than that does. Think about it, when you get suckered, used or hurt its always because you followed your heart when your BRAIN knew better and asking this question proves that your brain knows better here. Rethink what this is really about for you because there is no way this is the perfect guy for you. Make an honest list of pros and cons of his personality and character, then make an honest list of reasons to be with him and reasons not to be then read it in black and white. Anytime you are asked to be LESS than you are its a very bad thing!

Answer 5

Apparently he isnt looking for a lazy , stupid, irresponsible woman or he wouldnt be with you. I would just talk to him about this situation. Using the word "I" would be the best way to handle it . For Example : " I feel that you blame me if you mess up" shifts some blame towards you and makes him feel that although you are saying that he is blameing you and you feel that way, it dosent sound the same. I have a problem talking to my husband sometimes because he blames me for everything and he is so childlike. Just remember they usually are. When men are competative it streams over in their personal lives too, and that is when it gets really bad. I do tell my husband he needs to act like a man, but he hasnt really had anyone teach him to be one, and I obviously cant do the job either. I just takes alot of communicating and sometimes talking to them in a way of a child without talking down to them like they are one. He Loves you because you are strong and smart, but may feel like less of a man because you are too. Just give it some time and alot of that special communication.

Answer 6

In questioning his reasons for him wanting to marry you, you are avoiding the trap I have seen too often in my line of work and for that I applaud you. In being as self sufficient as you are I give you further props and say that you deserve better than this guy who obviously has some deep seated issues. Men such as this fit the common profile for domestic abusers and usually don't show it until after the honeymoon. Getting this guy to understand your point is like speaking Chinese to a Greek. Cut your losses and find someone better cause he is out there

Answer 7

My husband used to say the exact same things to me about not letting him be a man. I realized that men and women are completely different, and the things that we say can come across that way to them. There is a book you should REALLY read. It is called "For women Only" By Shaunti Felhheim. She give great insights into the mind of a man.

Answer 8

u know why he is so coz of his pride.all man they dont want to be under of a woman,but in ur case ur another ur independent,smart and talented woman who can fight against trouble and crisis in life.that is what he dont like ur higher than him and his teh man.but u know if he really loves u from begin then he must accept what ur either ur the best teh important ur happy and u iwll live the life full of love na happines.he must not the pride be the boss in his self then both of u have a bad life together.

Answer 9

men dont like the significant other to be more intelligent then them for they think for them to be a man they have to know it all, which we all know the truth in the matter, my theory is to just agree and tell him he is right, its less of a hassle for him to argue over something stupid that he doesnt know what he is talking about in the second place, but hey men can be stubborn but you know so can women.... and we may be just as bad as men so either way... its a game no one wins in the first place:)

Answer 10

my husband sometimes feels like that...that I shouldnt be allowed to have an opionon...but i think its just a male ego thing...allow him to win at anything for example if you are talking about a subject and he states your wrong then just say yes your write Im sorry I was missinformed...that always helps you dont have to do it all the time but just enough so that his male ego doesnt fall to the ground...:) dont worry its not u :)