need help discerning between married men who like the attention of other women and men who actually seek it?

Question

am married with older kids. husband has addiction with alcohol and vicodin, but he still holds a great job and is a great father. caught him with another women (someone i know well) he says it was not an affair just had sex with 5-6 times and due to the combination of alcohol and vicodin. he loves to go out with the guys and seems to need know other woman find him attractive. we rarely have sex and i think it is because of the drugs. the drugs do not impair his work and he is home all the time now and i know where he is at when he is not at home. could he have had many others in his past and what about the future for a guy like this.

Answer 1

Sounds like he has inadequacy issues. He's on drugs and alcohol....so he can't deal with his problems without a crutch. He is turning away from you and going outside the marriage because "this gal doesn't know about my shortcomings". He is reinventing himself rather than facing you because he feels like a disappointment, and he is getting back at you because he feels like that. The attention from other women reaffirms his masculinity and prowress. If you want to fix thix, he has to make an effort as well as you. You need to recognize his need to be admired, important, desirable, powerful, and the hero. He needs to acknowledge his fear of intimacy, and that he is hurting you because he is afraid to share his deep dark secret fears and doubts. It's easier to turn away from you and reinvent himself. It's a quick fix, but as time goes on he will feel worse about himself and more ashamed at his lack of courage. To fix a marital problem, one should never look outside the marriage. Especially when it excludes their partner. It is a betrayal. It indicates low self-esteem and self-hate. It is not your fault but there are things that you do/have done that may have contributed to this problem. You need to understand what kinds of things emasculate him, appear to criticize him, tell him he's not good enough, etc. Maybe you don't even realize it....but it is HIS responsibility to tell you, and give you a chance. It is HIS problem but if you own some things you have contributed to it, you might be able to resolve it (with effrort from him, of course). Married people get so busy with stuff that they forget why they are with each other, how and why they chose each other, and what they need from each other. Todays women are soperwomen, and as men age and produce less testosterone, they get more insecure, especially next to such capable and independent women. If you want to resolve this, be his soft place to fall, get him talking about what he really needs from you, what you do that reduces him, and what he wishes would happen. Own any things you have unknowingly done to contribute to his feelings. Take the high road and you don't have to be right or blameless. Show him at least two things specifically that you appreciate about him every day and don't forget, whatever you guys did to win each other is what you should do to keep each other. Make each other #!.

Answer 2

Your husband has a very big ego problem. Almost ALL men are found attractive by some women, the better looking the man, the more women will try it with him...What most men do NOT know is that it is NOT a big deal, that if the woman fails with him, she will move on to the next man...right down the line. Fools think that it is their overwhelming good looks! Phooey...it is a quick lay these women are looking for, perhaps more...I am sorry to tell you this, and I mean no disrespect, but dear, your husband is not going to change. He may call it what he wants, but he is having mini affairs, whatever, with not only this woman, but certainly many others, for the world is filled with lonely, horney women. IF I wanted, I could have sex with strangers from morning to late night...all men could who are in decent shape, are average or better looking, who have decent personalities, can have pretty much whatever they want in single/married women. Now, this is not very flattering to the man involve, although he certainly thinks it is. Only when he has to take responsibility for the pain he causes will he be willing to change..and I suspect the only change you are going to get from this man is ...more descretion..which may be just fine, that depends on where you are coming from. But it sounds as if all his sex drive is being consumed by strange stuff, nothing left over for the same ole at home. Sad, very sad to throw so much away for so very little. YOU have a lot of decisions to make...but it boils down to..."Are you better off with him or without him." PLease note I did not say "Single," for an understanding, wise woman is a rare find...you have attributes that you do not know you have,but once out on the "market," trust me, other men will find you irresistable...You are the type of woman men dream of having...understanding, smart, and probably damned good looking. Good luck

Answer 3

I have detoxed many people from drugs and alcohol while managing a crisis stabilazation unit. Your future does not look too bright if you stay with this guy.

It's like cockroches..do you ever see "just one"? He has probably had many affairs in the past. The dangerous thing is that he says he doesn't have control secondary to the drugs and alcohol. In the world of two lesser evils I would rather have my mate sleeping with one person on a long term basis as opposed to a drunk "one night stand" with a person of questionable medical past.

If you were smart you would get him into a rehab program. If he balks then you need to dump him then and there. You shouldn't waste anymore of your life with him. Also you don't want him bringing home any sexually transmitted diseases to you. Believe me it's happened in the past to others.

In the long run your retirement is not to bright either. Long term use of drugs and alcohol will degrade his liver. The last third of your life will be spent taking care of an invalid. People dying from liver failure look like their 12 months pregnant (yes 12 months). They have a condition called "acities" that causes the belly to get huge and must be drained every couple of weeks. They also will "weep" with body fluid (this really really stinks) and he'll be gross to be near.

I know that I'm rough on you but this could easily happen to long term drinkers (the drugs magnify the effect).

Check out the following website. It can answer your questions better than I can. It will also give you a "bird's eye" view of a guy's psyche. It also covers such courses of action like what to do with someone who is addicted.
http://www.condomsbrasandstraightjackets.com/
Good Luck

Answer 4

get him rehab or divorce him...you deserve better than this, dont think well , he is a great father...he may be a great father but is he a great husband, you deserve to have a honest trustworthy man...if he doesnt do the job then hey you need someone who will make you happy, its always know that if you have cheated you are always a cheater.... 5 or 6 times come on .... he may hold a job but does he make you happy, ask yourself that... be your own judge follow your heart... if he truely loves you then he will get rehab and the definition of marriage is one woman man...he sounds like a one woman man with a few on the side...