2006-08-05 08:08:00 · 13 answers · asked by Miss McBoing Boing 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Other - Entertainment
Airship Earth (or: Things That Go Bump in the Night)
Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium, put batteries in it, and you have a radio control indoor blimp. I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!
Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.
Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 foot diameter. We blew it up with the tank attached the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries. Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.
It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter. My three- year-old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly. Let's face it, blimps are fun!
Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.
At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises. Taking advantage of this fact, the blimp, which was up until this moment a fun toy, now embarked on a career of evil.
Using the artificial convection of my central heating it stealthily departed my office, moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully. Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currects, it approached the bed.
In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke.
That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again...
I awoke the way you awaken at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.
That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time...
I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness. Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep. So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.
On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was!
A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!
Somewhere in the control room of my mind, a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse magazine while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision.
Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep" mode to "HOLY SH*T! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!!" mode in a nanosecond.
My heart went from 20-something beats per minute to about 240, or even faster. I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up.
Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark. When 500 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph, it is not a pleasant sensation.
Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is somewhat indistinguishable from the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress) (not that I'd know what that sounds like) and lept out of bed in my underwear.
I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living crap out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.
Its trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at a terrifying velocity. Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence, breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.
Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart attack.
On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.
Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter completely slept through the incident.
When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident. I took it to the walk-in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there.
I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. Finally, after what seemed like hours, I fell asleep....
At about 7 am my wife awoke. You'll recall she had been playing tennis the night before and wasn't aware that we had assembled the blimp while she was out, nor that it was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.
The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.
This time the blimp did not survive the encounter. Nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.
I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will. Some blimps are better off dead.
2006-08-05 08:24:08 · answer #1 · answered by My Evil Twin 7 · 4⤊ 1⤋
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"
"Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a freewall and it was too late to hit the delete button.
Nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said: "You've Got Male".
2006-08-05 08:23:51 · answer #2 · answered by Patty Pooh Pooh Pie 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The difference between the young and the old.
When having sex the young want to be on top and in control... The old want to be on the bottom because they are lazy and don't want a heart attack.
2006-08-05 08:14:00 · answer #3 · answered by metallicajunkie27 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A man went to, the doctor with his two ears burn off, the doctor ask him, how comes your ear burn off like that, the man said I was ironing my shirt and the phone ring, I pick up the hot iron put it to my ear thinking it was the phone, So the said I see but how comes the other ear burn off, The man reply the idot call back again. now give me my 10 points.
2006-08-05 08:17:37 · answer #4 · answered by boy_jam_arch 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I had a foreman at my last job and one day he told me that I needed to go on a diet.
I told him I was on a diet and he asked me what kind I was on.
I said that I was on a "sea food diet". And he asked me what kind of diet that was and I said. "I see food and I eat it."
He just looked at me like in a strange way and I just started to bust a gut laughing. He then just shooked his head and walked away. I guess he knew that I got him on that one.
2006-08-05 08:17:11 · answer #5 · answered by randy j 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What do you call a vegiatarian that throws up?
A Veggie Shooter!
2006-08-05 08:12:06 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It was funny but meh, I didnt like how it transitioned into biscuits like that.
2016-03-27 00:13:25 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
a chicken walks into a bar. ouch
2006-08-05 08:11:04 · answer #8 · answered by Jake H 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What did the bug say when he hit the windshield?
If i had more guts i'd do it again...
2006-08-05 08:12:49 · answer #9 · answered by sea_sher 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
2006-08-05 08:11:00 · answer #10 · answered by pynkbyrd 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋