He lied about the porn?

Question

I just found out my husband was looking at a porn site called 89.com(he had like 23 pics, and 9 downloads). This bothered me because he had this issue about three years ago and promised me he would not do that again....well when the time presented itself I asked him if he is looking at porn on the computer again, and he told me NO, when just three weeks ago he was. I feel devistated, he lied to me and now I don't know if he will lie to me about other things to.....if he lie's about the porn when I asked then are chances that he will lie to me about other things as well?

Answer 1

Maybe Look At It With Him,Might Spice Up Your S E X Life?

Answer 2

You need to be realistic about this. Pornography like masturbation is a private thing. You have to examine how you asked him about the issue in the first place. If he came to his decision about not doing porn because of a strong reaction from you, you have to take that under consideration. If he made the decision under duress, I'm not surprised you lied about it, although it still doesn't make it a good thing. You need to back off and see if the decision was a fair one for him. I'm not saying that pornography is a good thing, I'm just saying that it's a place where men struggle, and part of what drives it is shame for a lot of people, so putting him down for it compounds the situation. You sort of pushed him into a position of lying most likely rather than leaving it up to him and his conscience so this is actually a predictable result. Also you should know that pornography can become an addiction like many other things in life lots of things get erroneously attached to human drives when there are hurts in-place. It may not be as simple as just stopping for him. Examine what's really going on and don't look at the situation superficially. By pressing on him in the wrong way, you can actually make the situation worse. If this behavior persists, get some help. I'm not saying that this is your fault I'm just saying that you need to look at the situation carefully and figure out what works. Adding humiliation to the situation will not help.

Answer 3

Although most of the world today feels like porn is not harmful and no big deal, I strongly believe that no good has ever come out of it. People say that it is normal for a man, and at least he isn't cheating, but engaging in that kind of activity definitely changes the relationship. I've had TWO experiences like yours and both times, when my boyfriend started looking at porn our sexual dynamic changed and there was less of a spark between us. It really does effect the female and makes her feel somewhat inferior when a man looks to outside sources to get off. I don't think it's restrictive to not want your man to watch porn and if that's your specific boundary than he should honor it before commiting to you and respect you enough not to lie to you. I discovered also, that once a man is secretly looking at porn it slowly gets to the point where that is not enough and they look to other sources, i.e. phone sex and escort services. I'm not saying your experience will end up the same as mine, but I definitely have seen enough of what porn can do to a relationship. I am also aware that some people enjoy looking at
porn together in their relationship, so I guess I can't comment fully on that end since I've never tried it. For me that's a boundary I haven't crossed yet, because it is just so upsetting to think of my man getting off by looking at another woman. Why even be monagamous? I mean why even get married if being with the same woman for the rest of your life doesn't get you off? I'm sorry to go off on a tirade, but I really am tired of the world saying that certain things are okay and then asking why is society going to crap and all of these marriages and homes are broken and so forth. I think letting that kind of thing into one's life and not engaging fully into the relationship and the person you are with and respecting them slowly builds to resentment and bitterness and distrust. That is the recipie right there for a break up. Good luck to you, though, and hopefully your boyfriend will be able to have an honest discussion about what's best for the both of you in this. He shouldn't have to feel like he has to lie, but he also shouldn't be with you if he can't respect you by not doing something that really does hurt you.

Answer 4

Pretty darn good, he uses that retarded man theory whereby if they know you will be mad OR they know they promised you they wouldn't do it anymore they do it anyway and then lie about it. This says something about his character, WHO he is and its not an isolated incident. Keep in mind he didn't just lie when you asked him, he lied everytime he looked at it and for every download and every second he spent doing it he KNEW it had caused a problem in your marriage but chose to do it the next second and the next one anyway...when you think of it that way it gives you a whole different perspective. He was so desperate to look at porn he didn't care what happened to his marriage, and that says something huge about him.

I had one once I told him clearly at the beginning of the conversation that he had ONE chance of saving our marriage and that was to tell the truth (which I already knew of course), he lied like a rug! Needless to say he's an ex husband now, even with the stakes clearly defined he still COULDN'T tell the truth and that told me all I needed to know! I would have helped him with the drugs but no way was I dealing with the lie! His thing was drugs, but drugs, alcohol, porn, cheating its really all the same underneath, its about who they are.

Answer 5

How pathetic, he shouldnt of lied to you its unacceptable, and if it bothers you than I think he has to stop, so what if its "just" porn, whatever issues he having sexually he needs to address it with you, even though he may not be out in the streets doing it, hes doing it in private and it doesnt include you so therefore its betrayal of you marriage, he needs to choose between you or the secret porn life and if he has a hard time doing this than there are bigger issues here that can only get worse, that Im sure you dont want or shouldnt have to deal with, he has nothing to lose giving up that porn, maybe by doing so he can explore and enjoy whatever he getting out of the porn with his wife, which he should be doing in the first place. The worst thing in the world is to have someone who is suppose to be partner lie to you in your face.

Answer 6

He maybe addicted to online porn. It happens to many men. Get him into counseling if it seems over-the-top type addiction.
Let him have some porn movies (of your choice) and magazines in the house. Just keep them in a closet in a box where he can go get them anytime he wants to look at porn. However make the agreement that he cant look at porn online anymore and he cant have tons of porn, just a little in the house.
If he is still looking at porn online, get rid of the internet for a while so he cant look at it. Tell him he better not be looking at porn at work because many employers screen what their employees are looking at at work and he can get fired because of it.

Answer 7

You're probably right. It's a serious addiction that leads to horrible things, even murder, as we see on the news. It's not a harmless activity. If I were in that position, I'd take myself away from him, and if he cares about you, he'll get help for his addiction; if not, you'll know if he really cares enough, and if it's worth fighting for. Only professional help will work. If you stay by and believe him when he promises, most likely you're going to have a miserable life. It's called Boundaries. He can ruin his life, but you can control whether he ruins yours or not.

Answer 8

my ex bf was a porn freak he downloaded lots of younger porn they were supposed to be 18 or over but you could tell they were younger.[he was 28 at the time ,sick] and he did lie about other stuff.that's part of the reason i left. so yeah he'll lie about other things as well.if I knew he was on the computer before coming to bed he wouldn't get any.

Answer 9

You said it yourself.He lies. This isn't really that bad looking from that outside in.I fulling understand how you dislike him looking and thinking about other women sexually. It hurts your feelings.And makes you feel insecure about yourself and your relationship.Him continuing to seek out pornography after he said he wouldn't and getting caught will only create massive amount of problems between you two.Men are men and if you want to try to make yourself feel a little better about the whole ordeal . Tell yourself that at least he is not out on the streets being unfaithful to you.He needs to stop at least on the computer that you also use. Because from now on you will always been looking to see if he still doing it. Not as bad as my situation . I found site's that my husband had been on. Looking for address's and business for escorts and massage parlors in our neighborhood.Also his membership for on-line dating with a few pages of the girls that he saved that met his profile searches. One of my granddaughters was sitting next to me in our office when I found this and she Say's " Look Nana they're all Asian girls.

Answer 10

He lied to you because you didn't give him much choice. Why do women so often turn into 'teacher roles' once married? Porn sparks his imagination. Why don't you let him enjoy his feelings? It's his body not yours, perhaps you should watch with him and let go a bit instead of playing mother.