What is the point of long lasting Grief and Sorrow???

Question

My best friend killed himself 10 years ago. I still think about him and sometimes I get very sad.

From an evolutionary psychology standpoint, this doesn't seem to make sense. I can see the point of initial grief...it pulls people together (literally and in spirit) after the loss of kin and this may help to prevent future loss (or would have in the hunter/gatherer days of yore).

But some people never get over a loss...why??? Even if you believe in God you would think he would not punish people with that kind of pain.

Answer 1

From an evolutionary standpoint: either that pain serves as a warning to avoid whatever happened to the lost one to begin with, or else these people who never get over the loss are the exception. That is, these are people who would probably get left behind if natural selection were in full force.

Answer 2

Get over? possibly not. Survival mode sets in and you go on. Some losses are just "bigger" than others and take longer to work through.and each individual has his/her own ways of doing it. Suicide. is probably the hardest, because of guilt, the should have seen it coming, maybe could have done something. Even knowing the answer is no . When someone decides to kill themselves they will. Usually in such cases the anger phase will resolve the guilt. How dare they cause so much pain!!!! The responsibility of the act is place on the deceased.

Answer 3

Dear Derwood,

To lose a friend in that way leaves your soul very conflicted. You feel the loss, the sadness, unfairness, anger, shock, disbelief, confusion, and helplessness to have prevented it. Over and over and over you mull it over, re-bruising your heart. Just as you say, for years, you can feel it freshly each time. people say, oh time will heal it, you;'ll get over it... and pretty soon you just don;t talk to people anymore about it and it doesn't get better...

Have you ever just let yourself feel it all? Just sat somewhere by yourself, outside, in a park maybe, and just fumed, cried, banged your fists on your thighs, and then when the storm has passed ( and let it go on as long as necessary, find a really unpopular park where no one is) when it is over and you have nothing else you haven't felt, say OUT LOUD,

"Bubba(or whatever his name was), there was nothing I could do to stop you. Sometimes I think there was something I could have done, but it was your choice, and you did it. There was nothing I could have done to prevent your death. I am going to go on with my life now and I will remember our good times, but I am not going to suffer anymore over your death, because I need to live mine. i love you and will always remember you, bubba. go on now, find peace, as I am finding mine."

if you can't get through saying it the first time, don't be surprised. Let the storm pass through you again, then try it again.

sincerely, turtle girl

Answer 4

You don't have to get over a loss; you only have to work through it.
What payoff are you getting for hanging onto the pain?
I will always miss my daughter, but she wouldn't want me sitting around moping. She'd want me to enjoy life, as she did.

Answer 5

Never