okay...today is my b-day. i woke up to find my husband looking at porn on the computer.... why does this make me feel so bad ??? i need to get over it cuz we're going to a big family bbq. i am not super pissed, but very very blue from this. Does this mean he is not stisfied or happy with me ?????
2006-08-05 05:56:17 · 23 answers · asked by shasta 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Why do so many peole just excuse this? They say "all guys do this?" Probably because it is a legacy handed down from generation to generation....
So many men NEED to see women objectified in order to feel more manly. Why? Because they feel emasculated by real women. They fear disappointing real women.
They don't see porn stars as real women. They are real women, and should be pitied because they have no other marketable skills, and the only way they can come up with to make a living is to degrade themselves. Men don't realize that they are being paid to pretend that they like what they're doing....
Porn is for the single guys who don't have immediate access to anyone, and the couples who use it together to enhance their sex lives.
When one spouse turns away from the other to satisfy their own needs, excluding the other, it's like saying "screw you, I'll just take care of myself! i don't know what YOU are gonna do...and I don't care about YOUR feelings or needs....."
Lots of guys secretly feel inadequate or like a disappointment to their wives, and with porn, they get to be the man they want to be, with no pressure to perform or please anybody. it's kind of sad.....
Lots of men feel emasculated by things at work, at home, when they age, etc. Also, some fear the intimacy in relationships (sharing their deep dark secret fears of failure and not being good enough).
It's easier and less scary to turn away from a spouse and toward porn or mistresses, so they can reinvent themselves. "This gal doesn't know about my shortcomings"
Some have performance anxiety because their egos are easily crushed; they are insecure and don't know how to talk about it. They think women expect so much more from them that they really do.
It hurts (when your partner turns away from you to something else to fix a problem). It is both an insult and a betrayal to a marriage or relationship. Especially when the guys become addicted, and it offends their partner's sensibilities or self-esteem.
You feel bad because you think it's about you, but trust me, it's not. It's HIS immature coping mechanism for feelings of failure.
Forgive him for his shortcomings. Go to the BBQ knowing that you can fix this, later. While you're there, remember this:
All people alive (especially men) want/need:
To be important, appreciated, admired, saught after, powerful, needed, trusted, reliable, validated, heard, cared about, respected, in control, desired, thought about, and accepted.
Acknowledge specific things related to those hot buttons. Never forget to comment/compliment on at least two things per day.
Sometimes married people forget to date/pursue/win each other over. Never stop that. It leads to such great satisfaction....and it feels so good to inspire your partner's positive feelings about themselves .
Later, let him know how bad it makes you feel, and tell him you miss feeling like the one he picked above all others. Tell him that you don't like feeling like the default lover. Ask him to redirect that energy back into your shared sex life, which you value more than he knows. Tell him you miss being #1.
From then on, make a conscious effort to pump his ego up daily.
As men lose testerone, they grow more insecurities. This is similar to women's fear of aging and looks, or weight issues. It is just not talked about very much.There are viagara pills to treat the symptoms, but nothing is mentioned to treat the mental cause: inadequacy issues. Be aware of this, because sometimes they unconsciously blame or resent their partners for this feeling. Turning away is sometimes an effort to get bak at their partner for this feeling.
You love each other, right? You can work this out....
Have fun and enjoy!
2006-08-05 06:41:00 · answer #1 · answered by pandora the cat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all happy birthday mam and now about the question see mam we are guys and we will be like that u gals are correct that we act like bone heads some times and it is true that happiness begins with urself so be happy and u should have been enjoying this day as it comes once in a year so have fun with ur husband and do a good thing on ur birthday forgive him and in return give him a kiss and see ur day would be fun play some good music and let go all ur worries live without worries at least for one day so just chill
2006-08-05 06:11:28 · answer #2 · answered by aks 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Happy Birthday.
2014-09-26 15:07:18 · answer #3 · answered by no address 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
instead of getting pissed go up behind him and start caressing him and tell him softly in his ear that he can receive more satisfaction in the bedroom then on the computer and take him away from it.
if you get pissed and rant and rave more then likely you just add a wedge in your relationship.
if you embrace what he is doing and use it to enhance your relationship and make your time in the bedroom more exciting he will look at less porn and spend more time with you.
be prepared to engage in more sex.
part of keeping relationships strong is embracing each others little quirks and keeping each other satisfied.
looking for things to get upset and mad about only break down the relationship.
the stronger you make the relationship by embracing his quirks the less apt you are of losing him to a fantasy.
sit on his lap and watch with him and See if you can't heat things up. talk to him about what you are watching and how it makes him feel and how it makes you feel.
lack of conversation in a relationship is what makes them fall apart.
its your birthday and your beautiful. be beautiful act beautiful. your husband will notice.
2006-08-05 06:19:23 · answer #4 · answered by eaglerock60 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No he is just curious has nothing to do with you. Guys like to look at other women and it is so easy to access that stuff on the computer. Tell him it bothers you that he is looking at those sights. My husband did the same thing so I put a big picture of Jon bon jovi almost naked on my home page and he did not like it very well lol.
2006-08-05 06:04:16 · answer #5 · answered by luvlisteningtomusic 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have a right to be upset and you should let him know how much it hurts you. Only he knows the reason he looks at porn, but odds are it's not because he doesn't love you or isn't satisfied with you. Men look at porn for different reasons, just ask him what drives him to need to look at porn.
2006-08-05 06:03:56 · answer #6 · answered by Rawrrrr 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is odd of him, you would think that today would, if anything, be a day off from porn. Best advice I have to give is for you to call him out on it. Go ahead, sound selfish, who cares, it's your day. Tell him you think it's B/S that he would rather indulge in sex alone with his imagination then with you on your birthday. What, like he couldn't just resist the temptation for one day?
Happy Birthday.
2006-08-05 06:58:46 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you don't have to feel sad,
!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
u know... there's a lot for you today, it will be the better day of your life, don't pay attention for that, i know it may be really tough to get with it, besides it is not your fault if he is not sure from what he gives you, by his "hobbie" i can tell you than you're an awesome wife... it will be real hard to anyother to stay with a man like this...
YOU'RE AN ANGEL, LADY.
2006-08-05 06:09:12 · answer #8 · answered by drawer2006 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
they all do it and it has nothing to do with you he is just a guy, let it go get dolled up for the bbq and have a happy birthday!
2006-08-05 06:07:15 · answer #9 · answered by javajunkie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hey dont worry. all can be normal. please remembre guys and girls are very different. It could be a very normal thing, need not worry. thats it for today. once your bday is over i will write more :)
Happy birthday. enjoy the bbq.
2006-08-05 06:10:56 · answer #10 · answered by climb_n_dive 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋