serious answers only please?

Question

My wife and I have been having a lot of problems lately we have three children together but the past few months she has got into a lot of chatting with people and got into chat rooms along the way she met a guy that she got really really close to we started going to counseling but she continues to lie and say that she would not talk to him anymore but I found out that she is and she just says that she is doing nothing wrong and that they are just friends. Now she is telling me again that she won't but I found out that he got very rude with her so now she says again that she will stop but this is the problem do I believe her or even if I do is she really stopping because of her feelings for me or because he was rude to her. Right now she is out of town visiting family and I don't know if she is just telling me this or she is serious. I want to work our marriage out but at what cost to my feelings. Now I do admit that I wasn't always the best husband but I never cheated on her.

to anyone who says that chating is not bad what part of she got really close to someone else don't you understand

some of you say that chatting is innocent but when your wife tells you that she is in love with someone else and not in love with you it is a problem and you are missing what i am asking

Answer 1

I would consider that a form of cheating. If you think cheating is a way to end a marraige then maybe that is what you should consider.
My ex used to chat with women all the time, pretending to be single, and that is one reason he is my ex.

Answer 2

I will be blunt and to the point....Been there...Exactly Where you are standing now....It is not the Dayum Computer....It is your Wife not being a Wife to you anymore....GOD is showing you that is time to let go and let GOD handle his business. Check out my blog on my 360 page I just wrote about this very thing last night.
I went to counseling with her, prayed with her ( while she sat down before I prayed) JEFF...the Signs are there and you know it....You just don't want to face the fact that your Family will be no more like you thought it would be forever. It is hard to face life when you FEEL (* Key Word) like you are losing....But you are a winner Jeff.....Do what what is right...don't harm her....My ( soon to be Ex) Wife is now facing up to her bad seeds she sowed over the years ( but not by my hands)...She still isn't apologetic about it......When she was doing these kind of things...I took her back....But it got much worse than chatting & she made a decision to have an affair & leave the marriage....I finally had enough and moved out. ( Especially once I found out the man was coming into my home while I would be away at work)...Oh & get this...she didn't have a 9-5 job...she stayed at home and took care of our handsome son ( which I thanked her everyday for it). nothing I did was ever good enough, she wanted all the nice things in life, but wasn't helping us to get there! (Funny?)

I know it can be difficult handling a 4-5 yr. old everyday (lol) I
know it is Scary for you right now, but if you can't Trust GOD...Who can you Trust? If you wanna' talk off scale, contact me......You Can Make it...You Deserve Better!

P.S. Jeff...the sad thing is....People Don't Change until it HURTS them NOT to Change!

Job 37: 14- 25 verse & Psalm 37......May it be a Blessing 2 U once you read this. ( Your vision will be clearer) Stay Strong!

Answer 3

This is very close to home. A few months ago, I found out my husband was communicating with other women through this dating site. He claimed it was for research (he and a co-worker started up a dating service). Then, he admits he's been looking for someone also. We've been having problems for years (been married for 9). Anyhow, he told me he wouldn't do it again. No more than 2 weeks later, I found he'd been at it again. He claimed his friend at work wanted to call into the line and he didn't have a credit card so my husband put the charge on his card. Even went so far as to say I could call his friend and ask him! Now, if you lied to me before, I figure you'll keep lying. After he found out I had access to his credit card info, he changed his password and all that. To me, that screams guilt, and a determination to continue wrongdoing.

It's hard to regain trust. I don't know if you can ever truly get it back. I think counseling may help, but both parties have to be willing to get their hands dirty. Sounds like she's lonely, and I'm sure you are too. You both need to communicate, and keep those lines open.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 4

First off, regardless of what you were, she chose to forgive that, and if she's sincere you should do the same, but understand something, someone who is truly sorry or apologetic for any wrongdoing that caused you pain, whether emotionally, physically, mentally, whatever, will never let it happen again, and if they do they lied and therefore its time for you to leave. Now in your immediate situation, if him and her were really "just friends", you should have met this man by now. Now my take on her is, is that there something missing in your marriage that she feels justifies her being in a chat room, when she can just as easily tell you, especially if you are the problem. I suggest to continue going to counseling and letting her talk, and really listen to what she's saying and if something is bothering her, make the effort to correct it. And if possible put romance back in your life, give her a reason to ditch the computer and hook up with you. Don't just tell her-show her!!! Good Luck

Answer 5

Let me tell you something I am a women and if I feel as though I need to chat with another partner on the Internet than I am going to meet him in person. You said that she's out of town visiting relatives OK for 1 thing this is the year of 2006 and were not faithful no MORE. I hate to tell you but she will settle back down when this guy dumps her ***. Unless you want to stick by her while she is playing around that's up to you only you know how you feel now feel me. Then u have children together OK if she want to go let her go but don't give her the children you remember Susan Smith OK this man might not want children or is a children you know anyway think tell her it is over and you mean now and put your foot firm on the floor and don't move. Tell her u don't have to deal with this **** because there are more fish in the sea and believe me it is I know. I know u might love her but god did not put us on this earth to br a fool think.

Answer 6

This is a tough one! i think that you should sit her down and really talk to her, have a convo where you hold her hands, adn look into her adn ask her the questions you want to know. you can use the old lie detector thing, if she stares at the floor she is guilty, if she looks to the sky at the left she is telling the truth if however she looks to the right she is lieing.
or you could just express your feelings to her clearly, i kno how addictive chatrooms are but she is going to have to stop 4 ur marriag to work as you kno, because the rooms can get very flirtatious cant they, they usuallly have alteria motives. The only way you are gonna solve this is by talking to her. do something special for her even to she doesnt deserve it. it will make her feel loved adn kno u care. then talk to her. if she persists then you have two choices if you want, leave her because the realtionship could end due to an affair, or you follow her and check up on her, to see if she is still doing it.

well whatever you do good luck, i hope it goes well 4 you!! x

Answer 7

The best advice is too be open to her and be honest. Apologize for your short-comings and tell her what you feel. But if she still continues being like that (chatting with another guy online- a form of adultery) then you might think about your marriage. Do all that you can to saave the marriage but if you feel thatshe isn't playing her part to do the same then leave her. A marriage is between two people not just a person trying to sew things up.

Answer 8

Sorry to hear this story.
You may want to consider sitting your wife down, alone, looking her in the eye and asking her if she wants to be in this marriage. And if she says yes, ask her what type of marriage does she want with you. Ask her if she's bored. Ask her if she's lonely. Ask her if she will committ to throwing your home computer away (really do it.) Ask what she wants from you as a husband and if she can envision you having that ability to be that type of man.
Weigh her answers, it may lead you into what's on her mind. It may also give you insight to whether you want to continue in the marriage. She isn't respecting you and respect is so important in a relationship.
She may not have cheated but this behavious isn't appropiate or innocent. Obviously these online relationships are fulfilling some sort of need she has. I think sometimes women get lurred into these things because they have someone who is listening to them, and it's new and exciting
Maybe that's what she's missing? Best wishes.

Answer 9

i think you're a little overreacting. i don't know the whole deal with you guys, but my guess is that very few women would risk losing the man with whom they have THREE children.

i don't know if she's a stay at home mom or if she works, but if she's a stay at home mom, she probably just wants some attention.

especially if you guys were married young and she is now "stuck" at home with the kids, she probably sort of feels like she missed out on a few things like partying or having her ego boosted by men at bars etc. she's now kinda making up for it in the chat room. she enjoys knowing that men are interested in her, but i would view it as rather harmless, since i don't think she would ever cross the line and actually cheat on you.

i'm not saying women don't cheat, but married women with three kids usually don't unless the husband/father is a complete a**hole which you don't sound like.

i would suggest you take her out more often. that is really all she needs. take her to some nice restaurants, movies and even some nice dance clubs. take her on DATES just like when you guys met. not just once, but regularly, maybe every other weekend.

the solution is very simple. you need to bring a little more excitement into her life.

FOLLOWUP:

you didn't make it clear in your original post that she said she loves another man. well that's an entirely different situation now.

in that case, you really have only one logical option: offer her a divorce.

i know it sounds harsh and oversimplified, but that is all you can do. once a woman has lost her feelings for you, it is virtually impossible to get them back. my guess is that she not only lost her love for you, but also the respect for you.

offer her a divoce and try to move on as quickly as possible. that is the only way you can leave this situation with any kind of dignity. she may even want you back when she sees that you are able to move on, but i wouldn't take her back then, because she has already betrayed you.

she probably thinks you're a needy wimp and you hang onto her too much, which is what is partially pulling her away from you.

keep your dignity and leave her before she crushes you and does cheat and eventually leave you anyways.

Answer 10

My marriage broke up over internet chatting. Chatting itself isn't bad but it makes it really easy to take baby steps such as calling and then meeting and before you know it is a full blown affair. If you love your wife at all sell the computer. I seriously think that the divorce rate goes up in synch with computer usage. Chat rooms can be deadly to a relationship because it lets you meet other people who sound so perfect because people gloss over their faults. In my opinion your wife is looking to escape your real life problems by talking to guys online. It's not healthy for her or your relationship. I wish you guys luck, hopefully the counseling will help. Me and my husband had 3 kids too it didn't stop my husband from choosing a fake online relationship over a real flawed one.

Answer 11

If you give away your computer or do something to it puposely, she is going to be mad and accuse you of all kinds of things.... but if something were to happen to your computer... just something that may happen to someone... such as a virus or something that was "accidentally opened" or something... I am telling you seriously though, that computers, chatrooms, and dating websites can ruin a marriage. Even if someone says that that can't happen to them. These websites put more pressure on you to be perfect, which isn't possible. You are probably a normal husband, but, with the thought that there is something better.... you can forget it. And if she thinks that there is something better hiding behind that computer monitor... she can give it up. I am speaking from experience. GET RID OF THE COMPUTER! I am not a cheater either, and I have 4 children. My husband is not an ******. But because I wanted to see what was there, I kicked my husband out of the house and filed for divorce. We are back together but the special bond we shared before is now gone. TRASH THE COMPUTER!