How can I ease the pain? In May, I found out that I was pregnant by my then bf. When I told him, he assured me

Question

that he would be there. But he never called/visited me. Something always seemed to interfere. But I always made time for him even though I was working two jobs and in graduate school. I had to always reach out to him for emotional support. He used to get upset and say that I was calling him too much. He totally invalidated my feelings and made me feel like being pregnant was my problem. I was so distraught that I ended up having a miscarriage. Again, he never provided any emotional support. As a result, I had a nervous breakdown and I am on anti-depressants. When he found out, he told me that he couldn't be with someone who was depressed. He dumped me a week after I got out of the hospital (three days before my birthday). Though it has been two months since the miscarriage, I am having a difficult time getting over losing my baby and the way he treated me. He continues to reject my calls and refuses to speak to me. I am so angry that it scares me. How can I get over this?

Answer 1

The guy is a loser and the sooner you come to that conclusion the sooner you can get over him. Stop calling him because what's the point - his actions have shown that he's just not that into you and didn't want your baby.
As hard as it may sound your miscarriage may have been a blessing in disguise because would you really want to be tied to such a loser for the rest of your child's life? Chasing up maintenance (if he even agreed to it), trying to get him to visit the child and then think of how the child would have felt to know that it wasn't wanted by its father...
Also consider your miscarriage from another perspective. It might not have been, as you say, due to being so distraught that you miscarried. There is nothing that a woman can do that will cause her to miscarry. It just happens - sometimes indicating that something is wrong with the feotus. In fact 20% of all diagnosed pregnancies result in miscarriage, especialy within the first 10-12 weeks.
Whenever it happens it is a loss and you have a right to grieve. But instead of trying to get the loser boyfriend to help you with the grief process, because clearly he is only adding to it, surround yourself with family and friends, the people who really love you, at this time and you WILL get through it.
Seek counselling. As another respondent said, you should never take anti-depressants without also receiving counselling by a therapist.
Your anger at your ex-boyfriend is real and justified but there is nothing you can do about it - someone like that is never going to understand what he has done or how much of a creep he is.
And really, having a child should be the choice of both the mother and the father. If he didn't want the baby (and despite his initial avowal to stand by you his actions clearly showed that he didn't) then he has that right. The fact that he is using your current feelings of grief and depression over the loss of your baby as an excuse not to maintain the relationship is just that - an excuse. Everything he has done has shown you that he just wants out of the whole situation. So let him. If it makes you feel better then write a letter to him telling him how you feel about what he has done to you and that his treatment of you was not right. Then stop all contact and try to forget him.


Someone once said that the best revenge is to have a good life.

So mourn the end of your relationship, mourn for the death of the image you had of him 'cause he clearly didn't fit in it - but don't mourn him too long because he's not worth it.
Mourn the death of your baby. While there is no timeframe on mourning, time does heal all wounds - trite but true. Talk to family & friends about your grief, have a ceremony to mark your baby's passing - sometimes the ritual helps. Seek counselling if you are unable to cope with your pain.
Do not make any rash decisions or start thinking that your life is over without this creep or that some thing was wrong with you for him to treat you this way - the fault lies with him.
Rediscover yourself - write down all the things that are good about you (a bit of a challange for a lot of people because we all focus on the negatives) then read it every day. Love yourself because whereever you go, there you are.
If you feel good about yourself, others will respond to that and your next boyfriend will be all you deserve.

Answer 2

After the way he treated you during this difficult time, I'm a little confused as to why you'd want to call him, or have him in your life at all.

I'm very sorry for your miscarriage, but in regards to this guy, it really seems like you dodged a bullet and you're clearly better off without him. You're free to start over again, and if you find someone new, you'll hopefully have a better idea of how to judge their character and not try to stay with a selfish jerk like the one who just did you the favor of leaving.

As for easing the pain, you shouldn't be on antidepressants without also being in therapy, so if you're not already, go. Find a good therapist to talk things over with. It's what they're there for. I did when I was on antidepressants and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Oh, and use birth control until you and your next bf/partner/husband BOTH DECIDE to have a child.

Good luck.

Answer 3

First off I am so sorry for your loss and you need to keep going to counseling and taking your meds. That is a pain so deep it will only ease over time.
About the BF, I kind of get the feeling he never really was there. You need to read the book, he's just not that into you. He didn't leave you because you are depressed it sounds like he hasn't really been there for you for a long time. It took me several years to get back out there and what you need to do is sit down and see what you want out of life and the type of man you want to share that life with. Then you have to look at yourself and see if you are doing what you need to get that life. Good luck in all you do and know that in this instance there is no easy fix.
Also everyone can and will tell you this guy is a jerk but in the end if you still love him it is going to take time to get over him. Just focus on yourself, you have to love yourself and not count on anyone else for validation.
Remember Girl Power! You are strong and you will survive.

Answer 4

Be thankful for what you do have! Look at it this way: You could have ended up marrying this guy! From what you've written, it is apparent that your ex-boyfriend was irresponsible, self-serving and was not committed to you. Being in graduate school and working two jobs at the same time indicates to me that you're a hard worker who is determined to stay ahead. Had you remained with your ex, he would have only held you back. Regardless, you are feeling the whole gauntlet of emotions right now. I'm sorry that you lost your child. Please be careful about the medications that you are taking. GET COUNSELING. Give it some time. You're a strong woman who's going to be just fine!

Answer 5

The only answer is time. Stop calling, stop thinking that this is a good person, stop needing him to give emotional support that he's incapable of providing. Start thinking about what you want in a life partner, start planning your future, start thinking about how you deserve more than to be treated this way. It may take a while, but just remind yourself of these things every now and then and then suddenly the pain will be gone (just watched the movie, Swingers last night and it had a very good perspective on this subject)

Answer 6

Speak to your doctor this week about a referral to a therapist or a support group about the loss of the BF. More importantly, find out from your local hospital about support groups for women who have miscarried. You must now take care of yourself to get better (body and mind) and then try to put this experience behind you. Personally, I'm pretty happy that this man is not going to be a father to any child since he's so emotionally detached from anything going on around him. The pain will ease from both losses and you will find someone terrific as time goes by. Blessings

Answer 7

Although it is difficult to believe now, this miscarriage may have been the best thing for you. It doesn't seem that your boyfriend cared very much for you and that would have meant a difficult time for both you and your child. I do think however that you could benefit from continuing counseling. Check with your school about it's counseling services. I think you need an opportunity to vent. Your other option is to check back with the doctor who treated you while you were hospitalized. Good luck.

Answer 8

i am truly sorry for your miscarriage, but youre probably sick of hearing that. no girl ever deserves to be treated the way your bf treated u. he was probably scared that he was about to be a father and didnt know what to do. but thats not and exuse or even a good one. u really need to talk to someone and vent your feelings, and when was the last time u had a good cry? i think u need to take a couple of days by yourself to just think and deal with your feelings. u really need to stop callin your ex and let him go. consider this saying: whatever doesnt kill u only makes u stronger. so the miscarriage and your bf leaving u, doesnt mean youre dead, u just went through something that youve learned from and now youre stronger because of that. u will get through this, and dont have ppl just tell u that everyday, say it to yourself until u believe it.

Answer 9

What a terrible difficult time! I'm sorry. Can't imagine how you must grieve the lost child and "lost" bf (altlhough, as you'll see, I don't think you ever had a bf).
Can you do something for yourself, perhaps with the help of a counselor? The main crux of my concern is how is it that you feel it's OK for a guy to treat you so shabbily, to abuse you (by not giving support, comfort, and help), to withdraw from you when you are in crisis, and who "helped" you get depressed and then used that as an excuse to walk away? In my mind, instead of being depressed, you ought to be mad as hell. (I think you are but you can't express anger and depression is the result.)
Please find help to find the good, worthwhile, loveable person you are and require that others in your life treat you properly. You've been abused and let's not let that happen any more.

Answer 10

As yr boyfriend he shd care for you and be there for you when you needed him so much. If he really loves you, he wld treat you differently. Just be careful, there are man out there who just want a temporary happiness and does not want commitment. If you go with this kind of man, you will suffer in future. There are someone better than him. Dont waste time on this man, he is not worth yr love. He will bring you sorrow and unhappiness. Although you may feel really heartbroken to leave him but time will heal. I know its not easy but you just hv to do it in order not to let yrself get hurt further. Brace up, be confident and make the decision. Move on. Take care and love yrself more.