losing my voice over my fiance?

Question

I love my fiance. very much. but i know when i am with him, a part of me is shadowed. he's a very intelligent man, and when we go out, he takes center stage. I wouldn't mind this if i didn't feel i never get a chance to voice my opinion. He's very engaged in conversations, and usually directs them towards others, so I feel uncomfortable butting in. This makes me feel very aloof in public situations with him. Not to mention that his friends think I have no opinion on anything, and am not very smart!
The thing is I am a very opinionated woman, and before I met him, I had great conversations with people. Now, except when I hang out with my friends alone, I feel like I am losing my voice.
I should also add that I am a writer, and I feel this loss of voice is slowly creeping into my writing as well.
In a nutshell, what can I do? I tried to talking to him, but it seems i;m asking him to alter his personality, which I don't want to do. It seems all I wnat t do is prove that i'm smart

Answer 1

Jessica - The situation that you have shared seems very sad and frustrating. Losing your voice - which is the way you express your identity - the very core of your being is not just frustrating, it is frightening.

Being engaged is a time to grow and both look at yourself and look at the person that you are committing to. You are looking at a life long relationship so it is a positive thing that you are looking at how you are feeling. And certainly - it is common to be nervous and have feelings that you might not be doing the right thing, even though you love someone very deeply. But all reservations must be looked at because they may be your intuition speaking to you.

You have not said how old you are. Young women do not always have the background to be able to hold their own equally in relationship to a man, especially if they tend to be more introverted, thoughtful and sensitive which is often the case with creative types - especially writers. Women who are in their thirties and forties and beyond often can hold their own . . . this is not to categorize . .just to say that your feeling of loss of voice should be considered in relationship to what your experience in life has been. Ask yourself - has this been an ongoing life problem? Did this happen in your family with anyone - especially a parent or older sibling? Did you feel overshadowed by anyone in your life where you also felt this loss of voice? If this feels or is something that you have dealt with in your life and it is again manifesting with your fiance then it is time to explore this in a brief counseling setting - that could be expanded if you find that there are deeper issues you want to resolve. Certainly finding a course that allows your to explore your verbal communication skills could be supportive in all areas of your life.

Another area that you have to pursue is direct communication with your fiance. Conflict resolution - looking for equal and win - win solutions where both of you feel heard and affirmed . . where you both learn about what the other is experiencing . . . are important skills that will serve you for your lifetime together and with others. In Conflict resolution we learn to talk about what we are feeling - without blame. Very simply it is 1. Something nice - No matter how you feel impinged on by the other, you find something positive to say . . this disengages, or should . . feelings of defense that can cause one to get into a blind emotional battle . . . . so . . . for instance . . "I love you very much, I so value you who you are as a person. I value your intelligence, your sensitivity and the way that you engage people.

2. State the conflict as you see it, from your point of view without blaming the other - This is how I am feeling . . . . this keeps it on "my" experience without blaming the other. So, for instance: "I am having a conflict that is troubling me. I realize that it may be something that I have to work on. I would like you to listen to how I am feeling and know that I am not saying that you are doing anything intentionally. . . . When we are in public with others I find that I am losing my voice. I start to retreat as you engage with others. To me, it seems as if I am not being included as you engage. This is so painful to me that I find now it is even starting to be reflected in my expression of myself in my writing."

3. A resolution that "I" would like to see. - For instance - "To help this problem and aid the growth of our relationship I would like you to help me with this. I do not want you to change your personality - I am asking you to help me to participate with you when we are engaging with others. Do you have any strategies that you feel we can work on together so that I can get through this, learn and grow?

4. Listen to what your partner has to say. Don't argue . . really listen and ask him to clarify where you don't understand.

5. Keep going back and forth, trying to hear each other.

Practically, if this is a simple misunderstanding, your partner should be happy to help you and learn to include you so that you feel comfortable contributing. If conflict resolution doesn't work - then couples counseling should help both of you to learn to express your needs in a neutral environment. And couples work is a very good investment for all couples wanting to spend their lives together. Couples communication skill courses are often offered in community education programs, churches, synagogues, etc.

Get support - don't go through this alone. If you and your fiance don't learn to support each other now - then marriage will only bring an escalation in the loneliness and isolation that you are expressing now.

Yes, by really paying attention to this and bringing in a councilor if your fiance doesn't want to listen to you could reveal a deeper problem with your relationship - in which case wouldn't you rather catch it now? It takes courage to bring the magic of a new romance into the light of reality - but if it doesn't stand up to healthy scrutiny - then it is not a fit marriage for you to go into.

On the other hand, investment now in your relationship can build the foundation for a strong future for your marriage and for both of you as individuals. Be strong, be courageous and keep exploring this for both of your sakes. Good Luck!

Answer 2

Obviously what everyone else has said about communication is so important, and that deserves emphasis. That said, I think you should physically and orally interject yourself into the conversations you are being left out of. You may feel you are being too controlling or seem overbearing in front of his friends, but the alternative has not been working for you. I would physically grab your man by the arm (perhaps just lightly and lovingly if further force is not required) so that you can stand or sit beside him. Make sure you are are able to have eye contact with everyone around you, including your fiance. If he is the kind of guy that doesn't stop talking long enough to let you get a word in edgewise, try tapping his leg with your foot or squeezing his hand or arm when you want to make a point. If that doesn't work, interupt him, pinch him, kick him under the table, do something! Embarrassing him or even embarrassing yourself should not be a major concern when things this important- your relationship and your self respect- are on the line!

Adjust your attitude, and realize you deserve to be heard and to be an equal partner in your relationship. If you let him stand in front of you, he will do just that. Tell him he is being selfish, disrespectful, and domineering because he is not allowing you to be yourself and because he is denying you the opportunity to be a full partner in a relationship of equals. Tell him you can't be with someone who doesn't see you as an equal. Asking for your partner's respect and thoughtful understanding is not asking for him to alter his personality. His perception that you're asking him to change his basic personality is not reasonable or accurate. He is clearly missing your point!

If he really must showboat and deny you equal footing (even when you physically try to take back control and participate in conversations), ask him why he treats you the way he does. Does he have some sort of inner need for attention that stems from lack of confidence? Maybe he really doesn't think you're as smart as he is? Maybe he thinks you're smart, but he doesn't respect you personally? Maybe he doesn't respect women generally? Maybe his family members have traditionally treated women as unequal partners in relationships and his behaviors are learned?

My point is that if he really resists this change, he has some kind of serious issue with women, with himself, or with you. His response of wanting to preserve his individual personality is not rational. That kind of change is not what you're asking of him, and you shouldn't stand for his ill thought out and poorly reasoned excuse to continue his offensive behavior. Don't let him make you feel guilty about demanding what you deserve, which in this case is just his basic human decency and respect. Get to the bottom of the problem before it goes any farther!

Good luck!

Answer 3

Talk to him privately and tell him how you feel. Know matter how much you love him, allowing this to continue could build a resentment and hostility which is unhealthy. Or on the other side of the coin you will lose self awareness, confidence and identity.
I have been married for 10 years and love my husband a great deal but he does have a nasty habit of talking down to me on some subjects. My response is usually to get him home and let him know how much it hurt my feelings and pissed me off.
He's working it out and making an effort to change because he loves me. If your fiance loves you he will do the same.

Answer 4

In a nutshell and simlpy put, he makes you feel like crap. Unfortunatelly. On an aspect of your life that is important to you.

Do you think it is possible to change? Talk to him. Explain to him. You're writer and you have good command of language (I'm not sarcastic). Listen. It is the hope that you love each other and understand each other. Be prepared that he might not accept it. You'll decide then what to do.

Answer 5

It sounds like he doesn't bring out the best in you, whether it be intentional or not. I have had a similar experience in the past & found that it is always best to have people around you that inspire you as much as you inspire them. People that when you are with them, you feel like you are the very best person you can be. it is not about love it is about the kind of person you become with him & it sounds like you are not happy about the person you become when around him, which is detrimental to your future wellbeing & happiness. As a solution, there is no quick fix but perhaps lem him see the kind of person you are with your friends & that they bring out the best of you & let him see that to remind him of the girl that he presumably fell in love with originally & if he is not interested in listening to you or seeing that then perhaps you need to rethink marriage. Cause its only going to dig at you more & more as time goes on. Hope things work out for you!