losing my voice over my fiance?

Question

I love my fiance. very much. but i know when i am with him, a part of me is shadowed. he's a very intelligent man, and when we go out, he takes center stage. I wouldn't mind this if i didn't feel i never get a chance to voice my opinion. He's very engaged in conversations, and usually directs them towards others, so I feel uncomfortable butting in. This makes me feel very aloof in public situations with him. Not to mention that his friends think I have no opinion on anything, and that I am not very smart!
The thing is I am a very opinionated woman, and before I met him, I had great conversations with people. Now, except when I hang out with my friends alone, I feel like I am losing my voice.
I should also add that I am a writer, and I feel this loss of voice is slowly creeping into my writing as well.
In a nutshell, what can I do? I tried to talking to him, but it seems i;m asking him to alter his personality, which I do not want to do. But I feel I constantly try to prove i'm smart

Answer 1

It sounds to me as if something is radically wrong here. You begin by saying you love your fiance very much; and then you give the forum a very detailed account of reasons why he does not seem to value you; and love you. You feel shadowed, he is intelligent, he takes center stage....A relationship is 100% and more and 100% and more, not 50-50, not 60-40 or any other combination of numbers you can come up with. It sounds like you are giving over control to him??? Are you really that insecure, that you are subconsciously playing the "I'm a little girl who needs rescuing, and he is my big strong man who will be my hero....??? When someone, especially someone who professes to be a writer; finds them-self "losing their voice," what is that doing to their ability to write??? Is he just a bit pom pus? It is okay if you are changing yourself, although you are internalizing it, by saying you are losing your voice; and it is being externalized by your inability to have an opinion in social situations. He obviously does not want his personality altered, and I take it that he has said this to you when you have tried to to talk to him. Is his personality any more important than yours....I doubt it. If you are a writer, you certainly had more than your fair share of grammatical errors in this question, this is also very indicative of your unbalanced state of being. I understand the creative process can take over common knowledge and learning; but your writing ability does not seem to be shining through in this incidence. I hope that you are not "losing your voice," (giving up unique and creative parts of yourself for a relationship with this man.) You should not have to prove you're smart, unless you are involved in some type of schooling and have to be graded. This sounds like a very unequal relationship, which does not give this relationship much of a chance in the future. What attracted you to each other in the first place? Did he value the fact that you were a writer, and therefore could be considered to be smart? You cannot really change another person to fit your "ideal." Why do you think that the divorce rate is so much higher year by year, the fact that people fall in love and then try to change each other certainly is not helping to build strong and healthy relationships. I think you really need to step back a bit, and take a closer look at this relationship; something is not right. I am not saying you need to run away, but you both may need to change yourselves a bit for the good of the relationship. I also notice that you do not really mention if you have a core group of friends, seperate from his friends. Both people need to have at least a few seperate friends, and a few seperate interests in order to keep a relationship strong and vital. Is he isolating you from your friends? This is yet another way of losing your voice. I hope I have not been too blunt, but from the tone of your question; you really seemed to want an honest opinion; which can be a bit easier to be found from a total stranger with a more objective outlook, as we are not involved in the situation at all. Best of luck to you. I hope you can find your voice again, and be proud of that voice. Have a good day!!!

Answer 2

You are relinquishing your own sense of self to this man...and doing it willingly!! Why? If you're a writer you should know how to join in on conversations without it seeming like you're butting in. You're just handing full control of yourself to this man. If you can't hold your ground (or in this matter conversation) and reestablish yourself as equal partner, you will stay in the back seat of this relationship forever...and will probably lose not only your friends but your career as well. Sounds like a high price to pay for this relationship! This is a toxic relationship...continue it and you will end up being another "non-person" walking the face of this earth wondering what happened to your life. Reclaim yourself NOW while you still can!!