How to turn someone down nicely.?

Question

I'm in the military and I've been separated from my wife for almost seven months. We're on the virge of getting a separation agreement signed. Also for the past seven months she had a restraining order put on me. The weird thing is that the judge made clear that there was no physical abuse but there was 'verbal abuse.' The verbal abuse occured after I made some discoveries that she wasn't telling the truth about her affair she had last fall. Basically I was pissed off and used the f word like it was second language. I was also accused of marital rape, but the judge threw that out. Fortunately for me, my commanders see the truth. We have a two year old and the past two visitations, she mentioned that she wanted to have sex one last time. She even tried to arrange a place, time, and date for it. She told me that she would be waiting for a reply. She even calls me with an unlisted number. (I think it's her, can't be 100%.) How do I turned this disturbed woman down?

Answer 1

I wouldn't trust her sexual overtures if I were in your shoes. Then again, I'm not a man, I'm not married to your estranged wife. She seems to be up to something. Stick to your guns. Don't give in.

This is how you turn her down. It is important to remind someone of their wrong doings in cases like this. Remind her that she hurt you by creating dramatic situations in attempt to hurt your military career. Yes, you cursed her a$$ out when you found out about her affair. She is out of her mind. I'm thinking this guy ended up proving how little respect he has for her and now she wants her "real man" back, or she is such a snake, she is working at doing everything she can to bring you down.

If you have evidence of every attempt she makes to contact you, you should have nothing to worry about. As far as letting that snake down easy goes, you don't have to. Simply tell her she created the situation she's in, now she has to deal with it. You are not required to be her hand puppet. Simply tell her you "don't want to drag things along. It's best that the two of you make a clean cut. No thanks".

You are doing the right thing by not giving in to her arrangements. She will only become more angry. She has something up her sleeve. Don't do it. As far as taking your baby goes, she is still the mother. The last thing you need to do is traumatize your child. You can get a court order for visitation or partial custody. He/she needs to see some stability in at least one of his/her parents in order to develop some sense of emotional strength. You don't want anger to grow in your child.

Answer 2

Tell her that you're sorry, but since you've agreed to separation you'd like to keep the distance between you and her far. Don't get angry, and remind her that she's the one who had the affair, wants the separation and put a restraining order on you. If she doesn't take the hint, don't do anything about it...just ignore it until she gives up. There's no reason to shout or get discouraged, and don't call her disturbed. She's probably lonely for one thing, and although it sounds like she's tried to blame a lot of bs on you, you have to realize you're the one who's been gone so long. Make it all mutual so no one goes home pissed.

Answer 3

Unfortunately, in this situation it seems to me there is no easy answer. Your ex seems to be very controlling, manipulative, and very insecure. She seems to be hurting and wants to use sex as a way of "getting" back at you/ through you.
You have a child to think of.
You also have yourself and her to think of.
For whatever BS you both are personally feeling about each other right now, it is best to let the past stay where it belongs, in the past. It is time to move on, move forward. Healing needs to be done. Trust me, she needs to know that no good can come of "temporary comfort" it only brings pain. You both need to search yourselves right now and do what's best for your son. Set aside your anger and don't let him suffer, I hope she can see that she is only making him hurt because she is hurting by keeping you away. Making up lies about marital rape and verbal abuse will only hurt your child and that's not fair to your little boy. Your ex needs to be shown this somehow. Her guilt must be eating her alive, people tend to cover it up with anger, it's so sad really they become irrational and hurt the ones they love, like innocent children. Perhaps if you point out to her that you can take what she has written to you on paper about the sexual arrangements to a judge and he will tell her how irrational it is and how it will only prolong the healing process for her and cause more damage in the long run for everyone, you, her and her son, maybe you can convince her she needs help to let go and do what's right? Maybe counselling etc? I know that the courts do provide such services to divorcing couples and stuff. You just have to ask for help. You don't have to go it alone. Surely the military provides this as well. Good luck to you both, my thoughts are with you and your family.

Answer 4

I assume you're not deployed overseas? If you're in her vicinity I suggest meeting her in a public place. Tell her that you want to end you relationship as civilly as possible. No contact, either emotional or physical. Not only do you need to protect yourself but you also have a 2 year old you need to look out for. By doing this in a public place you minimize any angry outbursts on her (or your) part. If, however, it does turn *ugly* you will at least have witnesses to attest to you behavior. Maybe you could go with someone you trust who could be in the background anonymously? Good luck to you. I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 5

It seems to me that you have your answer already. There is a restraining order against you. You cannot have sex with her without breaking that order. She could turn around and use it against you if she gets angry enough.

You know it is in your best interest to stay far away. Ex-sex is not a good idea for anyone. It can confuse the people involved and hide the real problems.

Answer 6

I could not imagine a soap opera to match that story. I think she's trying to get you to do something so you get into trouble. Play it clean and try to deal with your temper.

Don't fall for any gimmicks, your career is at stake.

Manipulation is not love.

Move on with your life the best you can. Good luck with your military career and keep good contacts with your son.

Answer 7

Tough, tough. I would say, be diplomatic. Don't speak with any emotions, whether they're happy, sad, anger, regret, or anything. The only reason I say this, is because you have a kid, otherwise I would tell her to eat sh-t. It sounds like you need to find a better woman, one is actually going to treat you right.

Answer 8

Well, you've got to let her know that you are over. I personaly wouldn't respond, but you might just want to say sorry but no, the world isnt' a nice place anymore, so yeah, whether you like it or not, she's probably going to get her feelings hurt no mater how you say no.

Answer 9

Tell her you think it's best that you remain friends since you have a child to raise, and a love making session would just rekindle old feelings you may still have for her.

Answer 10

You are 100% sure your relationship is over. If so, then let her know that you have no interest in sex with her, and that is your final word.

Then stand your ground.