What do I say to my husband? (Marriage falling apart)?

Question

I need help talking to my husband about our crumbling marriage. Neither of us wants divorce for the sake of the kids, but I'm having a hard time figuring out what to say to get him to agree to work on things (preferably with a therapist, but he refuses). I'm in New Jersey - any help?

Answer 1

There's nothing wrong with staying together for the kids... but you just need to make sure it's the heathiest choice for their sake.
I don't blame him for not wanting to see a therapitst. I don't know ya'lls communication skills so i dunno if u really need that but i think u guys should first really try to sit down and figure this thing out together before getting a third party involved. Then you'll just try to win the therapist to your side and stuff and they don't know every detail or could understand anything better than you two (bc it's ya'lls lives so hopefully you know what's been going on in it). Or maybe a trusted mutual friend could be the third party.
I would try talking one on one first. You've got to be able to communicate with each other and not have to rely on someone in the middle.
Tell him this is important to you and the kids and that you guys got to communicate and be honest and find a way to reconnect.
If you guys work out some compromises and stay together, you guys got to help each other out with reconnecting everyday. Relationships have to have that or they fall apart. You got to constantly work at them and find ways to reconnect.
Talk about why you got married. What are things you admire about each other? Why do you love/respect each other? What are strengths and weakness you have that you can help each other with? Do you guys need some time away from the kids to rekindle the flame?
I think you can fix this relationship. Just get him alone and sit with him and talk. It might take a few tries. You got to do it though! If it doesn't work out and he won't see a therapist, then ask if a divorce is the answer.

Answer 2

stay in the marriage because you love each other and for no other reason. if this was me, i would tell my husband how much i love him...and care about us, and our family, our life...our marriage. and that want to spend the rest of our lives together---however--i would say---things haven't been so good, and that i haven't been happy. i would say that whatever we are doing isn't working. fromt here--you could either make an appointment and tell him when it is and ask him to go to one meeting for you. or you can tell him that you are going to attend counseling to talk about your problems with or without him. and let him know that at some point, he will need to come if he wants to make the marriage work. remind him that the marriage is 50/50...and that it takes two---to make things work, or fall apart.

also, something more simple could be trying to get away for a few days---just you and him. and try talking and reconnecting. see if that jumpstarts anything. but, it sounds like there are more deeper issues that need to be worked on than just communication and reconnecting.

good luck to both of you....

Answer 3

Honesty is always the best way. You will need to stay together for each other, not just the kids, because this would be miserable, and you might be better of split up "for the sake of the kids." It's worse to be in a miserable marriage around the kids.
You two need to stay together for each other, and the kids are second in priority. I don't know how you can do it without getting help, and if he doesn't want to get help, not sure if you can do it. The relationship comes to a point where if you two can't talk, someone else needs to help.

Answer 4

If you think the therapist is a great option to help, then don't budge, stand your ground. He has to open up some kind of way in order to either work things out or move on, and he is doing nothing for either of those outcomes. I think its his way to hold on and keep things like they are on his terms. If you give in to this you'll have no power. People say they stay together for the sake of the kids, and for some that may be best, but I don't see the need for you to suffer until the kids graduate from high school or college. It's too much pain and suffering in silence for too long a time. Keep pushing for the therapist or involve the pastor if you go to church.

Answer 5

Well I am so sorry for that. I don't think that you should stay in a marriage for the kids sake. You have to remember that if you or him aren't happy how are your kids going to be happy? I know that wasn't your question but I wanted to throw that in there.
Now to answer your question....
I would tell him you are having a hard time figuring out what to say to him and how to work things out. Tell him you want to work things out and to be happy with him. You know though it is a 2 way street and if he isn't willing to work on things then I would say you are stuck and you will have to figure out from there on what you are going to do. Are you going to stay in a marriage where the both of you aren't happy or are you going to try and find happiness without him? And remember no one can make you happy only you can make you happy. Happiness comes from within. Hang in there and Good luck.

Answer 6

Be prepared for it NOT to work. I was in the same situation 3 years ago. We had two school age children and basically "stayed together" for the kids. We had nothing in common and did nothing together anymore after 12 years of marriage. We never fought (did not even have the passion to care) and thought the children were better off. I talked to a divorce attorney 1 1/2 years before I FILED FOR DIVORCE, in order to be prepared when he left me. She suggested that I keep a close eye on ALL bank accounts, investments, Federal tax filings and make copies of these documents every now and then.
Thats when I found local hotel charges on his Amer.Xpress. I never confronted him, what's the point! But I did prepare myself for divorce by saving my own money, going back to work etc. Until I filed for divorce, he also refused counselling. He assumed I would be his doormat forever. We tried marital counselling for
9 mons. after I filed, I think it shocked him that I finally stood up for myself. Counselling actually made me see that our marriage was going no where and it helped having a therapist witness his inability to change. When we told the children, 10year old & 7year old, they were hurt sad and upset for a few months, until they saw how much happier mom and dad were apart. Trust me, when your'e happier the childrens lives improve and become happier. I don't regret the divorce, I regret the wasted years of boring, unhappiness. My children are doing fantastic!
So be prepared, counselling may help one way or the other but remember threats of divorce get you no where. Goodluck

Answer 7

Ok then since you both want to work it out that should be a good start but it is not wise to stay together for the children's sake they will eventually pick up on the tension between both of you and this can affect them.but if you want to really work it out you should just tell him as it is, if you cant do that please put it on paper if you are really in love please try and work it out. you both got married and that most of been because of love, dont give up. Let him know that you want the marriage and if he wants it you should explore every avenue to ensure that it works. Good luck.

Answer 8

either way it goes you and your husband need to talk about this for the sake of your kids it's going to be hard but think it's going to be better for your kids. If neither one of you want a divorce i would say that you guys separate but come to an agreement before you guys actually go your separate ways.

Answer 9

You have to be strong and just tell him that you either work on this or leave - the walking around in a blind stupor just doesn't cut it any more. But stick to your word - if he doesn't make the effort, boot his *** out the door.

Good Luck!

Aloha!

Answer 10

We are in the same boat. My husband is also another one who refused to talk things out. To him, there is nothing wrong with our marriage.