Do I tell my hubby that I am not happy or keep it to myself?

Question

I know he will get defensive and it will turn ugly - but is it selfish to tell him I am not happy or best to keep it to myself. I have not cheated or done anything wrong - and we are not perfect. But for months I have been feeling like I am ready to end this but I say nothing. We have a rocky history so no shock, but maybe with time it will get better? I cant seem to focus on improving us when part of me has tuned out already. Thoughts?

And yes - I do have someone else that I think of - but do not speak with and will not contact and he has no idea I think of him.

Answer 1

Reread or watch your wedding video vows. If you vowed to your husband that if in the marriage you found that you were unhappy that you would leave, then I guess you are off the hook. Otherwise ask yourself what you can do to improve the marriage.

Good luck!

Answer 2

I believe you should always tell your partner how you are feeling if you are not happy you should tell him and if he loves you he will listen and hopefully you two can work things out. If you are having sexual thoughts about someone else that is not a good thing when you are married to someone else. But if these thoughts are of how nice that person is or the way this person treated you then maybe you are just wishing your husband would do the same things he did. And I can understand if you are afraid to tell your husband how you feel because it will cause an argument but trust me it is much harder on yourself if you keep it bottled up inside and if he pays attention at all he will know something is wrong and it is better to have a talk like this when both of you are calm and relaxed. Just tell him you love him but that you are not happy and maybe come up with some ideas before talking to him that you think will help for thing the two of you can try, to help your relationship. Maybe even go to a local Hotel with a jacuzzi suite on a weekend night if you can't go on a vacation together or something else that the two of you use to enjoy doing together. But for anything to help your marriage you both have to be willing to put in the effort it takes to make it work after all marriage isn't always easy. Or you could always try a seperation for a couple months with very little or no contact at all and the time apart will tell you both what to do, if you are apart for a while and you are happier without him then you have answered your own question.

Answer 3

I completely understand where you are coming from by being concerned that if you tell him it will turn into a confrontation which will accomplish nothing. Honestly, if you tell him and it does turn into a fight, it won't accomplish anything, I would guess.

I also understand how a person could get to the point where he or she has convinced themselves that they aren't sure the relationship is worth fixing, which seems like where you are at. The mind, for whatever reason, allows our thoughts to follow certain paths, from time to time, without a quality checks and balances system.

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT:

Men are stupid when it comes to relationships. Unless we are told, period/point blank about something, we dont pick up on it. Also, due to the acculturation of men, most mens response to having their feelings hurt, being made to feel like they failed, etc. is to get angry...where as women are more likely to cry since it is more acceptable. Having said that, it doesnt make him getting angry right or correct. It is just important to understand, because if you want to get your point across and want things to change...you need to plan an approach with him that will not directly put him on the defensive.

Relationships go through ups and downs, as you well know. My guess is that you married this man because he is a good dude and you love him dearly. I know its very easy to lose sight of that, like we discussed above. I also know that it seems like it would be much easier to find good elsewhere instead of regaining it with the person you promised to love your entire life. I don't know if you had any boyfriends before your husband, but, if you did, you surely remember how wonderful the relationship was whenever you first started dating...then it fizzled, which is why you didnt marry them, right? Well, this is sorta the same thing on a grander scale...and, it really confuses things when someone else out there gives you the "new love" feeling.

Long story short, you owe your husband the honor of telling him how you feel. If he felt that way about you, wouldn't you want to know?

I wish you and your husband the best. If I hadnt have rambled so long already, I would tell you a true life story about this situation!

Answer 4

I think it would be best if you talk to him about the strain in your relationship. I suppose it would be very painful, but the truth is much easier to deal with once it's out than if you keep it bottled up and settle for misery.

If you feel things will get violent, you need to get out of there anyway. Since you have a rocky history, it should be no shock to him that you are unhappy.

Answer 5

Follow your heart. Either give your marriage 100$ effort - mind, body, and soul, or let it go. It sounds as if you are emotionally gone at this point, but you could turn it around. Think about what your marriage is worth to you if you could have it the way you want it to be. Then talk very openly with your husband without blaming or complaining - perhaps somewhere public so you are forced to keep your voices down. Good Luck!

Answer 6

Everyone in a long term committed relationship goes through spells where it gets rough. I believe in staying married and would encourage you to seek counseling, either alone or together, to try to figure out how to communicate with each other without it getting ugly. Do remember however that it is not within any other human being's ability to make you happy (or keep you from it!)

Answer 7

By all means, talk to him. OK, he gets ugly, mad, or even goes whole hog and foams at the mouth, and grows hair, talk to him. It sounds like this is about his last chance, even if he's blind to how thin the ice is under him You are showing class. Thinking about somebody else is reasonable, and harmless, since it's just a private thing. Suggesting counseling is easy, and it's necessary, but first he's got to realize the ice is cracking, and work on his marriage. Good luck,

Answer 8

part of being with someone is having to consantly reconnect with them, or else you get bored. Talk to him, tell him u feel like ya'll are in a rut, maybe he feels the same and has been dying to tell you about it. You guys need to communicate and and keep reconnecting at different levels or it's never going to work out.
You get out of a relationship what you put in to it. by keeping silent you are putting nothing into it. Take charge and share your feelings.
It's time to find reasons why you admire him and love him and why you married him. It's time to reconnect.

Answer 9

Communication is the key to all problems talk to your husband if you don't tell him how will he know men are not that bright they need to be told what you are feeling or they will never figure it out and if there is still a problem after talking then maybe it is time to move on but please try before you decide to give it all up

Answer 10

honesty is paramount in any relationship whether it would uplift or hurt someone.. the important thing is that they know the truth. I recommend marriage counseling to help reignite or find the spark that made you say "I DO" in the first place. Mariagge is not easy and takes a lot of hard work and dedication.