I need help! I just found out yesterday that my husband of 6 yrs. cheated on me about 8 months ago.?

Question

I'm trying to work this out, we have a child and it was a one time thing, but I can't get this picture out my head of him with someone else. By the way, he was in another country for work when this happened he had to be gone for 16 months and this happened about halfway through. How can I deal with this?

I just want to add that other than this he has been a wonderful husband and is willing to do anything to work this out. What's really bothering me is it wasn't just get drunk one night and it happened, they slept together then woke up the next morning and did it 2 more times. After that there was no more contact between them.

I found out by reading message archives on his yahoo messenger. One guy he was good friends with there knew about it and they talked. I want to say thanks for the advice. Alot of it is what I already thought and felt but I don't want any friends or family to know so I just needed people to talk to. You all are helping me feel better about the decision I have to make. I will say to everyone who says "I'd be gone, no questions asked" I always said the same thing but you really don't understand until you've been there.

Answer 1

I don't know- am dealing with a similar situation right now. My feelings are all over the place- the betrayal is so much, and we're not even married & nor do we live together! It happened last month while he was out of the country for work for 3 weeks - the evidence just basically fell in my lap! I have no reason to stay besides the fact that he's a wonderful b/f to me (except for the cheating)- we have no kids or mutual financial responsibility so perhaps I should just go. But at the same time, this is the 1st time he did it and he seems very sorry- I took him back but right now I am still sooooo conflicted about my own decision. I haven't been myself lately and I hate feeling this way. Sometimes I just feel like leaving him but I know if I do that I'm still hurting from the betrayal- all it does if I leave him is prevent him from hurting me again in the future, but I'd still have to deal with the betrayal & learn how to trust men again in general.

Honestly, forgiving just gets harder and harder for me- none of my guys have ever been faithful to me- they always cheat & I always found out about it, even as unsuspecting I was. I keep getting hurt and had to bounce back on my feet and it's a hard thing to do, it's hard when you loved the person. It hurts your ego. I took him back but I haven't been able to see him the same way again- it's going to take me a long time to trust him again and he has to work hard to earn that trust.

Does your hubby seem regretful? Is he doing all he can to try and make it up to you? If yes, maybe you should take him back- afterall this was the 1st time he did, right? And he was away for 16 months- that must be tough on him. Men are weak- they fall easily into temptation when circumstances are right- you do have to know that when a man have sex with another woman besides their partner, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are in love with that woman- guys can love someone and have sex with another woman but have no attached feelings. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.

I wish I have a better answer. I'm trying to deal with this myself. Funny thing is that I have been in the same exact place I am right now, many many times before, yet it doesn't get any easier.

-The Very Sad Me-

Answer 2

It all depends. How do you find out? Did he confess? If so, it sounds like he made a huge mistake, but carried the guilt. It is good that he did not let the relationship continue. It is more difficult to overcome an emotional affair than just a sex act. If he is truly sorry and is willing to make some changes so that this will never happen again, then you should forgive him. Every one deserves a second chance provided that they prove that they have learned from the mistake. If he is a wonderful husband, you should stay married. He probably has learned his lesson and why should you give him up after he has been improved as a person.

Answer 3

So sorry..... 16 months is a long time to be gone! Mine is gone for 4 and it's torture as it is. I'm sure a lot would say to leave him. I'd say give it time, you only just found out. Is he remorseful? Upset? If you two love each other, talk to each other, you have to tell him what you're feeling, that you're not sure you can trust him. He has to be willing to do anything to get that trust back, whether it's being home at a certain time, not going out with friends, whatever it takes. See how it goes, see how you feel about him after a little while.
Good luck.

Answer 4

He was out of the country for 16 months and this happened once? It is certainly understandable that he got one in over a year. It does not ease the pain however. This information should have never reached you. How did this happen? If he just blurted it out he's a fool. If one of his friends told you he should have denied it then beat the crap out of the guy. There is a concept that it would not have happened if he were at home. If you believe that try to work it out. You can forget in time. You need his assurance that it won't happen again and if it does you are throwing him to the curb.

Answer 5

i would always say leave with any question that involves a cheater, however you want to work on saving this marriage so you need to try counseling, i personally couldn't do it, stay with him i mean. I have two children with my husband and wouldn't ever want to break up our marriage, however i know for myself that i could never truly get over an affair and why should i go via h*ll when he is the one that cheated, why should he have his fun and i have to live the rest of my life dealing with it. Question for you: Do you think that you can ever truly forgive him and put this behind you? , because if you can't this will be the death to your marriage whether it is now or two years from now. Good luck sweetie, I'm sorry that your husband has done this to you and your child.

Answer 6

I don't give two s**ts if he was gone for 5 years, that gives him no right to step out on you like that. He made a commitment to you that he has now broken. I do agree with the first answer and admire you for wanting to work it out. I too would leave in a heart beat if my man stepped out on me. There would be no turning back. But because you want to make it work, you need to first understand that it's not going to go away over night. You're not going to be able to stop picturing him with someone else. I would strongly suggest a counselor first for yourself and then together.

Answer 7

Well, if that is what you want to do
don't listen to the people who say
to dump him. You want to try to
work it out. Good for you. We all
make mistakes, some bigger than others.
The trick is to forgive and forget.
It's hard but if you both love each
other it can be done. We as men slip
easier than woman, but when we mess-up
and are forgiven, we usually try harder
to make things work out. We know
the trust is gone,but when we see how
much we are loved we try harder to make it work.
Most people say try counseling, they
are right, but this is only one step. Talk
to your husband, let him know how you
feel. Don't keep anything inside, he has
to take it, he is the one who hurt you. I'm
sorry for what you are going through, 6 months
ago I almost did the same to my girlfriend,
she forgave me and now we have a Great
relationship and getting married next year.
All this because she wanted to work it out.

I wish you all the best for both of you.

Answer 8

A one-time thing could be just an accident, a moment of weakness... However, if you feel that there's more to his deception than the one-time "slip", perhaps you might want to reconsider your feelings for this man.

No one's perfect, and I would not condemn someone for a one-time mistake... Don't concentrate on "the picture", it will only drive you mad to keep re-hashing it over and over in your head. Both you and him had probably had other partners... Try to move on and focus on the future.

Answer 9

"Somebody did something and now I feel bad" WAAAAA! If you love him, learn how to forgive! 16 months is a long time to be alone. Lets face facts here, humans (male & female) make mistakes...... lets just say that the shoe is on the other foot......would you want to be disregarded like an old piece of clothing?

Answer 10

Wow go to counseling i suggest w/ your husband. If he is willing to change then he'll go, and that is a good sign. If he isn't then goodriddance you don't need him if he's gonna cheat. Lots of available men out there.