what should you do when you accidentally catch your 15 yo daughter masturbating?

Answer 1

Just like the rest of society, it seems we professionals remain somewhat embarrassed to write or talk about this topic no matter how sure we are that it's "normal". There is nothing inherently harmful to the child about masturbation itself. It neither causes nor is a sign of any physical or emotional problems whatsoever. The best evidence for this comes from cross-cultural studies which have looked at masturbation and other aspects of sexual development in societies where both adult sexual activity and masturbation are more accepted and "public" than in our own. In these places children are routinely witness to normal adult sexual behaviors, and they in turn they do indeed masturbate more, earlier, and incorporate sexual themes into much of their play among each other as well. It turns out that, if anything, these cultures have lower rates of sexual dysfunction, of deviant sexual behaviors, and family disruption than we do here in western cultures. There are, however, three issues related to masturbation that parents should be aware of and think about: The first is how their own reaction to the discovery of a child's masturbation may affect the child. The second is how masturbation fits into their larger job of teaching children socially appropriate behavior. The third is the need for sensitivity towards what the meaning of the masturbation is to the child, and to what that in turn might signify regarding the normalcy of the child's other sexual experiences and ideas.

It is important for a parent not to overreact to masturbation (or, for that matter other normal early sexual experimentation's such as when two preschoolers decide to "play doctor"). If a child is "caught in the act", it is best to provide reassurance, and avoid saying anything which might provoke guilt or fear. The "repression" of masturbation - either overtly through disciplining and punishments, or more subtly through parental disapproval - can lead to harmful effects on the child's self esteem, body image, and later development of sexual identity.

On the other hand, it is appropriate and necessary for the child's sake to teach them not to masturbate in public for the simple reason that we live in a society where this is not accepted. Teaching this can be part of a larger set of lessons regarding one's body being a private thing - there are certain things we don't do except in private, there are things others should not do to you, there are things which no one should be made to do against their wishes, etc. Thus, when you "catch" your child masturbating in an inappropriate place it is probably best to gently and calmly ask them to do that in a more private area. If this becomes a repeated problem it may require further discipline BUT remember to keep that discipline closely focused on where he or she was masturbating rather than the activity itself.

The final concern you should have as a parent is to ensure yourself that your child's behavior in this direction does not have any abnormal meaning for them. While masturbation itself is not harmful per se, it can (fortunately rarely) be a sign that something else is amiss. There are essentially just two "something else's" to be on the lookout for: masturbation can sometimes mean your child is under too much stress of one sort or another, and it can sometimes be a clue to sexual abuse. You should therefore have some awareness of normal patterns. While many children masturbate frequently (several times per day), it is most often when they are bored and not otherwise occupied. They can usually be easily distracted from the activity - it does not have a "compulsive" quality to it. When masturbation seems to become a compulsion it is most often being used by the child as a "stress reducer". This comes as no surprise - many adults use the activity for the same purpose. It is not unlike other "nervous habits" in this regard (nail biting, knuckle cracking, etc.). If your "sense" about your child is that masturbation has taken on an extreme or compulsive quality for them, once again your focus should not be on the masturbation itself but rather the stress that underlies it. You should be trying to determine what the source of that stress is and be trying to take action to reduce it. How's school going? Are they having trouble with peers? Are they angry or depressed about something? Sometimes a talk with their teacher can help uncover the problem, which will often be simple to "fix" once you are aware of it. Other times more in-depth psychological assessment and counseling will be in order. Always, the focus should be on the root cause of the stress, not the symptom of compulsive masturbation, if you want to help your child.

Another aspect of normal patterns is that it is usually not until mid-to-late elementary school years or later that children "discover" orgasm. Once discovered, of course, there will be strong motivation to repeat this experience and it will become forevermore the "goal" of the activity. While this sometimes happens "by chance" in the younger child, most preschooler's masturbation is not so "directed" towards this endpoint. When it becomes apparent that it is, it is prudent to at least consider the possibility that somebody may have taught them this - either an older child or an adult. Luckily, the child who has been sexually abused will usually have other signs as well, the presence or absence of which can help you decide if this was an "innocent discovery" or not. If the abuse was experienced by the child as frightening, painful, or traumatic there will be behavior and personality changes since the event. They may have regressed developmentally or become more aggressive, anxious, or withdrawn. They may be having new difficulties with sleep or toileting. If the abuse was NOT threatening to the child they may not show these signs but will show an abnormal awareness or understanding of the sexual connotation of the act. What I mean is that for most young children in our culture, even those few who "discover" orgasm on their own, they are still unaware of the connection between this activity and "adult" sexual relations between two people. Indeed, they probably don't even realize that any one but themselves is capable of having this feeling! It is therefore somewhat worrisome when a young child has clearly made this connection. Such children will often signal the fact by making inappropriate and usually awkward sexual comments or jokes, by making "advances" sexually on other children (often younger than themselves) which clearly go beyond the normal "curiosity" shown by many children in sophistication, or by showing an abnormal preoccupation/interest in all things sexual (ranging from what's on TV to their own parent's sexual behavior). If you have any suspicion whatsoever that your child may have been the victim of abuse, do NOT try to "handle it" yourself. Seek out the assistance of a professional such as your pediatrician or a child psychologist.

In summary, masturbation is a normal and harmless behavior in childhood even at a very young age. It is important that as a parent you not react too strongly to it, and that you avoid disciplining, repressing, or making your child feel guilty about it. On the other hand, you do have a responsibility to teach your child to limit this behavior to an appropriate time and place. Occasionally (but not often) masturbation can be a sign or symptom that a child is under undue stress or has been sexually abused. Should such a situation ever arise, your child needs you to focus on and address the root problem, not the symptom of masturbation, in order to really help them.

Answer 2

buy a lock for her door. It's perfectly natural for her to start discovering her body and okay, she's your little girl but you want her to know (as a married adult) what she likes and there is no way to figure this out but by yourself. Don't embarass her but ti's also a good time to elabrate a little more on the sex talk I'm hoping you've already had with her. Clearly, she knows by now that there's more then just inserting penis and getting pregnant....now talk to her abotu condoms and other types of birth control, about STD's and AIDS, rape and drugs, about maturity and about how to tell a guy "no." Ask her if she's already having intercourse or considering it (and be prepared for her to tell you 'yes' without you over reacting). If she is active, now is a good time to make an appointment to see a GYN for pills and a nice talk between her and the Dr. (alone) so that he/she can explain the possible results of unsafe sex.

I know it's a lot (considering she's only 15 and your baby girl) but as a once active 15 year old with a wonderful step-mother that wasn't afraid to talk to me....an uncomfortable conservation sure beats being a grandmother!

Answer 3

First of all quit just walking in like you have free reign wherever she thinks it is safe to masturbate at.

Secondly, she is probably already traumatized enough from your actions to need many years of therapy, dont make it any worse by wanting to talk to her about it or take any other action.

Sit there and do nothing. Better yet, forget it ever happened.

If SHE starts asking questions, then and only then should you do anything else.

Until that time, knock on every door in your house that you think she might consider a safe place now that whatever other location was determined not to be safe from YOU.

Answer 4

At some random point, perhaps while the two of you are alone in the car, just casually let her know that what happened the other day isn't a big deal. Just be like "I know this is really embarassing for you, it is for me too, but believe me, I am just greatful you weren't having sex with a guy and to masturbate is completely normal and nothing to feel ashamed of." Then just tell her to completely forget it ever happened and move on.

Answer 5

Say, "Oooopppssss!!!!!" giggle and close the door!

Give the kid some privacy. She's 15, and this is perfectly normal.

Have you given her the "talk" yet? You should start to encourage her to be more open with you about sex, because she's obviously curious. You need to let her know that use of Birth Control is her NUMBER ONE priority if she intends on having sex.

Masturbation's one thing - teen pregnancy is something else all together -- and something I'm quite positive you're not ready to face.

Answer 6

LET'S FACE IT NOBODY WANTS TO GET CAUGHT WHEN THEY'RE PLEASURING THEMSELVES. HOW HUMIIATING FOR THE POOR THING. I'M SURE IT WAS NO PICNIC FOR YOUR DAUGHTER WHEN YOU WALKED IN ON HER. HOWEVER IT IS A VERY NATURAL PART OF LIFE. I'M SURE MOST PEOPLE MASTURBATE AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER.
THOSE THAT SAY NEVER, ARE IN DENIAL...LOL.
YOU SHOULD TRY YOUR BEST TO MAKE THIS EXPERIENCE AS PAINLESS AS POSSIBLE FOR YOUR DAUGHTER.
I'M SURE SHE FEELS VERY EMBARRASSED AND MORTIFIED OVER ALL THIS.
IT CAN, IF APPROACHED HARSHLY, AFFECT HER IN A NEGATIVE WAY .
THE HUMAN BODY IS BEAUTIFUL AND SHOULD BE EXPLORED BY ONESELF.
NO REASON TO BE ASHAMED OF IT.
TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE AN OPEN DISCUSSION ABOUT SEXUALITY AND SAFE SEX.
THE RIGHT TIME TO DISCUSS THIS SUBJECT IS WHEN A CHILD BEGINS ASKING QUESTIONS OR IN YOUR CASE WHEN A CHILD DISPLAYS SIGNS OF CURIOSITY ABOUT SEX.
BE THANKFUL THAT SHE DIDN'T EXPERIMENT WITH A BOY.
ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS HONESTLY AND LET HER KNOW THAT SEX IS NOT DIRTY BUT IS SOMETHING SPECIAL TO BE SHARED ONLY WITH SOMEONE YOU TRULY LOVE.
MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR YOUR DAUGHTER TO ALWAYS BE ABLE TO APROACH YOU ON THIS SUBJECT AND OTHERS. YOU WILL FIND THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR DAUGHTER WILL BE STRONGER THAN EVER.
EVA

Answer 7

thank god she doing that and not having SEX. at 15 i see nothing wrong with in long as she not having sex with guys. giving you grand-kids already i would say nothing to her. she exploring her body there nothing wrong with that i don't think. just think god you didn't catch her with and boy. have you had the sex talk with her yet if not you should have already now the time. don't wait tell her about STDS show her what some look like on the Internet. she need to well educated on this weather you feel com-able or not you need to do it. may take her to health deportment have her see the doc about birth control. the have and movie here they make kid watch. or go to the doc it time for her to go anyway for and pap if she stated her period.

good luck.

Answer 8

You should at least make some noise so as not to catch her by surprise, next time.

If she doesn't say anything about it you shouldn't either. But if yous end up discussing it, let her know that that's OK; that at her age it's the only thing she should be doing.

Answer 9

It could be something as simple as "Honey, I'm sorry I didn't knock before I came in. Sometimes I forget that you are not a little kid but are a young women who needs her privacy."

I would suggest not using this as an opening for conversation since she's probably embarassed but look for other ways to naturally bring up sex and sexuality. For example, someone she knows is pregnant--ask her what she thinks about that and use it as a time to share your values. Ask her about dating, marriage, life. If you are safe to her, she will bring up the stuff she wants to talk about.

Answer 10

just let it be. If she is masturbating it means she is not out having sex because she is lying in bed with her fingers pleasing her instead of a boy. I think you should not worry. Its natural and is a good way to test out the system safely, and find out what works best

Answer 11

Apologize for walking in on her and not knocking and then just act like nothing happened. She's probably gonna need some therapy after that, seriously. Make her feel better about it if she brings it up, tell her that you do it too.
Wait, that might freak her out even more.