I just recently told my SO about what happened to me. I know that what happened to me was not my fault and in many ways I have gotten over what happened to me. I have never told anyone other than my mother, who's reaction to it was to 'forgive and forget' and she begged me not to tell anyone or go to the authoritys with this. I guess I feel like people will look at me differently(in a negative way) if they know what happened to me. My SO have been together for a couple of years and our relationship is pretty serious now, and last night we were talking and it all just came out. Was I wrong in telling him? Am I still the same person to him? Or do you think this changes everything if your SO tells you something like this? Any advice please. Confused.
2006-08-04 06:17:55 · 19 answers · asked by h_nanny 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
the same thing happened to me as a child and I never told anyone except for my husband. he says he doesn't look at me any differently and i believe him. but there are certain details that i don't remember and it is sometimes hard for him to understand everything that happened. sometimes i regret it because i can't answer all of his questions and sometimes i don't because it's hard to live with all that bottled up inside and it's always good to have someone that you can talk this stuff out with. hopefully you SO will understand and will not look at you differently. i don't think the guilt ever completely goes away though. it hasn't for me and it's been 21 years already. you just have to take it day by day. i hope this helps and i hope you guys are able to make it through this. good luck.
2006-08-04 06:33:52 · answer #1 · answered by fungirl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No you were not wrong in telling him. I just found out that my wife was raped by a guy that she don't even know. But it has been years ago when it happened. I am so sorry to hear about the abuse and I am afraid that will affect you the rest of your life. You need to be open and honest with your SO as me and my wife are honest with each other. If you need to and it might help you to get some counseling. You will be the same person to him, if not he really does not have as strong feelings for you as you thought. He should have had charges filed on him for the abouse and you mother should have done something about. Good for you in telling your SO. But keep you head up and everything will work out.
2006-08-04 13:30:06 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am very sorry that this happened to you when you were a child. You're right. It was not your fault! And, hon, there are so many ladies out there who have been victimized in this way that if your friends knew, some might then tell you what happened to them.
What happened is a part of who you are, and to be truly intimate with someone (your SO) it's important for them to know all the ingredients that make you who you are. Most are wonderful, but this one is very difficult to acknowledge.
Best wishes to you. I hope your SO is supportive and understanding.
from a grandma-aged person
2006-08-04 13:23:38 · answer #3 · answered by PeggyS 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, let me me say this happened to me too, and I've had to deal with telling s.o.'s a couple of times. You weren't wrong in telling him, if he's someone you're serious about, you needed to, otherwise true intimacy would be very difficult. As to how he reacts, if he acts in any way other than supportive and caring, YOU should leave him. His opinion of you may change, but if it's in any way other than positive, get out! It may change things, but it shouldn't be for the negative. If anything, it should bring you closer together because it shows how much you trust him. In my experience, if any guy reacts negatively to this kind of thing, he is himself horribly insecure, or even has the potential to be an abuser.
2006-08-04 13:55:33 · answer #4 · answered by wendy g 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The same thing happened to me as a child, my cousin, 'interferred' with my sister, another cousin's daughter and myself. We told my mom years ago so she would not send us to their house for holidays.
It is now 20 years later and for some reason it has blown apart with accusations going all over the place.
I never told any of the guys in my past but my present bf figured it out when he overheard a bit between my cousin's daughter and I and he was mad at me for hiding it. I tried to explain that it was not a matter of hiding but rather trying to forget.
Honestly, I just want to let it go. It happened, nothing can change that fact. But the perpetrator who had left the country for years has returned. Since the family has monthly prayer meetings it is hard to avoid. He was not invited to my sister's wedding and still turned up so his sins from 20 years ago is catching up.
I do believe if your SO is the one he will understand and be there for you. He may have problems coming to terms with it but at least you were honest with him. It does not change who you are fundamentally so it should actually bring you closer.
2006-08-04 13:30:59 · answer #5 · answered by stacy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a going to take sometime for the other person to process. I am very sorry this happened to you. You should call a rape crisis center and they can offer you free counseling, which is what you need. It is much like a genie, once it is out of the bottle it will DEMAND your attention. So talk to someone who is a trained professional that way you can truly learn to live with it. Good luck.
2006-08-04 13:24:16 · answer #6 · answered by doc 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Information always changes things. Every little piece of information you learn about someone in some way changes how you view them. This doesn't mean it is a bad thing by any means. If any thing they should feel very privileged that you felt safe enough with them to open up and share this with them. Hopefully what changes is that they see you as a stronger human being and love you even more for sharing this with them.
2006-08-04 13:23:53 · answer #7 · answered by rkrell 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I personally don't see why it would change anything. He still cares about you. You're still the same person. He only knows more about you now. In your mind, it is a big deal, as it should be, but to other people, it's a thing. Just another detail that makes you who you are.
2006-08-04 13:25:07 · answer #8 · answered by Aliza, Queen of the Night 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This will be short if u were a child u had no idea what was happening.It app pen to me to put it out of your mind and leave that in the past.And people don't look at u differently u were a child.time heels all times just hang in there.
2006-08-04 13:31:21 · answer #9 · answered by gxsilver1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
u did the right thing. although u are the same person, u cant bottle it up. on a sub conscious level it may intervere with relationship in future, by getting it of ur chest, u can process it in a way it could become a obstacle in ur relationship. u did the right thing!!
2006-08-04 13:47:20 · answer #10 · answered by ordinary jane 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋