When we got home from our honeymoon mother in law demanded that she stay the night at our apartment. And for the the next 11 months she has stayed at our apartment every three weeks. (she and her husband live about 3.5 hours away) My husband finally gets the nerve to tell her that she needs to back off a bit. We love having her over but it is getting to be to often. She started to cry "but you are our only son!" Sorry lady but he married me and he is suppose to leave his family for me right? Just now she sent me an email, it was an email that she sent to someone else back and forth. At the bottom there was a letter to some girl about how she is going to come here AGAIN in september (she just left here two days ago) the week of our first year anniversary. She has not even asked us yet! We can not afford to get out of town that week, we have already told her that she needs to back off and got a cat also seeing as she is allergic. What else can we do?
2006-08-04 06:16:39 · 20 answers · asked by michiganwife 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
JOY C---yes your husband is suppose to leave his family to start one with you. It is in the bible. Of course we are still suppose to hang out with them and stuff. But when is my family going to come a visit? inbetween her visits? That means we get no weekends alone. He works 70hrs a week as it is. It would be nice to get to know my husband. Or relax together one weekend with out having to worry about her.
Oh and to the other person about the cat? No that was a very good idea, we already told her that we don't want her coming over all the time. At least the cat is another deterant.
2006-08-04 06:43:09 · update #1
How horrible!!!!!
Send her an e-mail back letting her know how you feel again. Make sure you are polite and respectful even though you probably want to punch her by now, but firmly tell her that you have made other plans for your anniversary that do not include her. Have your husband follow this up with a phone call from him backing you. You need to show an united front just like you would with a child. She knows exactly what she is doing and is obviously trying to cause problems in your relationship thinking that when things fall apart mommy will be there to pick up the pieces. Do not stoop to her level she will only see that as a justification for what she is doing. And if she won't back off you both need to tell her that if she can't respect the boundaries that you and your husband have placed that she will not be a part of your and your husbands life.
2006-08-04 06:49:16 · answer #1 · answered by Jennifer S 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, I understand from what you said that you do not like your mother in law very much, but you said something that bothered me very much, You said that "He married me and he is supposed to leave his family for me".
Oh how wrong you are. He married you and brought you into his family as you brought him into yours.
If you keep feeling this way, you will put a wedge between yourself and his family and that will eventually put a wedge between your husband and yourself.
You did not say how long she stays when she comes, but I;m assuming that it is only a couple of days every three weeks or so. You are just going to have to make the best of it and try enjoying her company for the sake of your marriage.
You could try explaining to her that the week of your anniversary is not a good time but that she would be welcome the next week, and that you love having her and that she needs to let you know when she is coming so you do not make other plans so you can spend time with her.
She misses her only son, you do not want to interfere or push her away from him because you will be sorry in the end. Remember blood is thicker than water.
2006-08-04 06:33:04 · answer #2 · answered by Joy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Looks like you and monster-in-law should have a heart to heart talk and your husband needs to back you on this. Not saying be mean and throw her out. But she needs to understand that there is a Woman of the House, that it's okay to visit...but not as often because you and your husband need time to set up your household and establish some things. She has to respect that. She needs to know this in love...and even though he's her only son, he's a grown man who is starting a family of his own. He needs time and space to do that. The Bible says a man must leave his father's (mother's) house and cleave to his wife and the two shall become one...not three.
2006-08-04 07:34:31 · answer #3 · answered by helplesslynluv 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok... WOW!!! First of all, let this word marinate in your mind.... BOUNDARIES! Establish some immediately.
Your mother-in-law is doing what your husband allows her to do. If she has the "failure to launch" syndrome, she should NEVER NEVER NEVER come to your home without prior approval... not even to borrow a cup of sugar, since that's just an open invitation to stay and take over or consume your married life. BEWARE.. it could wind up being the doom of your marriage.
Your HUSBAND needs to speak with his mom immediately and let her know it is innapropriate. LEAVE and Cleave. It says so in the Bible (Gen. 3) Bottom line... even if you all can't afford to go anywhere for your anniversary, she SHOULD not be at your place not even for a second.
You need to prepare you husaband for the emotional blackmail card that she will not doubt play. All that crying and sobbing and making statements about "you're my only son" PLEASE! tell him that it's unhealthy for her to use that type of behavior. Most woman who are spiritually unhealthy will ALWAYS resort to emotional blackmail with their husbands. She needs a life... Perhaps she should try spending time volunteering and shareing her time with children who don't have parents. Unless your husband steps up to the plate and set guidlines and boundaries for you home you'll continue to experience that passive aggressive, intrusive behavior from her. Speak to your husband kindly and lovingly, but firmly. Let him know it causes you a GREAT deal of unhappiness when.... (state the issues and facts)
You all need a very long break from the in-law visit thing. 11 months? WOW!! you're good! 11 minutes would have been a better... especially when your dealing with that type of unreasonable behavior. Unfortunately, your husband allowed that to continue and definitely enforced it by having her stay with you both for that long.... for that matter "at all" That was CRAZY.. and inappropriate. WOW!!! Seriously... WOW!
2006-08-04 08:25:59 · answer #4 · answered by 247 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is she coming without her husband? Sounds like maybe you should have a chat with the father - in - law, he's been dealing with her for longer and maybe can get thru to her. And listen, its YOUR anniversary...tell her flat out you guys want to spend it alone, all week! Then set up some sort of schedule for momma (you and your husband come to some agreement about convenient times for visits and then offer mom from among those options) otherwise this woman is going to ruin your relationship
2006-08-04 06:37:42 · answer #5 · answered by twinks 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband needs to let her know that she is not welcome to your place any time she pleases. You will call and invite her when you would like her to come over. I would not answer the door or the telphone maybe she will get the hint then. My mom use to sy this a daughters a daughter for the rest of her life and a sons a son until he takes a wife. It seems like that is in reverse for your marriage. Good luck.
2006-08-04 06:25:01 · answer #6 · answered by red1967 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your husband should remind her that it is YOUR anniversary and that you want to be alone!!!!! Have him send her e-mails,more calls, it is only 3.5 hours away. But you never leave your family when you get married, you add to it! I do understand what you are saying though. Maybe on a weekend you could go visit them for the day and maybe she would calm down some if you tried doing that.
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-08-04 06:24:51 · answer #7 · answered by hummingbird 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello ...just don't let her in. That is your husband you tell her "I think you are really invading the privacy of our marriage ,we are newly weds and your frequent stays and visit are really to much. You have to let us share our life together this doesn't mean your unimportant in your sons live or as my mother in-law."
I would make sure your husband is there, and warn him ahead of time what you are going to say. Either he is going to be the man of his house or be a mom's boy. I speak from experience don't let her do this to you and the marriage.
2006-08-04 06:35:06 · answer #8 · answered by GoldenGirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that you have plans for your anniversary and would like to celebrate this important date in private as all other couples do. Tell her that you will reschedule as September is just bad timing and that next time that she is planning to visit, is best for her to coordinate with you in advance so you can make appropriate arrangements.
Tell her as well that your cat had a litter of kittens and that they all are a fuzzy cudly ball of fur!
Good luck
2006-08-04 06:24:13 · answer #9 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are absolutley correct on all counts. Don't let anyone EVER tell you different.
Mommys job is OVER now. Your husband is a Man, and You are his WIFE, you are part of HIM now, the two of you are ONE.
I wish I knew how to advise this...just wanted to jump in here and offer to you support that you have every right to be angry. This time (newlyweds) is SPECIAL ALONE time for you two...before the kids (if any) come....you two NEED this time ALONE to start building your life together....and you don't need MOMMY INTERFERRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2006-08-04 06:56:37 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋