Fixing self esteem?

Question

I have a dear friend who is a wonderful human being, but who has no respect for himself and who has given up on ever finding a life partner, or even a date. I am a female in my early 40s and I'm probably the only woman he talks to. He's in his late 20s and has never had a girlfriend. No, I do not want to date him. He's too young.

To meet him, he is not attractive at all, but once you get to know him he is a beautiful person. He's funny, smart, interesting, and has a good heart, but he's short, heavy, and does not have attractive facial features. It has taken me some time to get to know him because he is somewhat reserved with people, and at times can be abrupt or cranky, but that is a function of his lack of social interaction and not an innate character flaw. Once I got past the bluster and the defense mechanisms, I saw a great person under there.

How do you help someone like that recognize his worth, start treating himself better, and stop assuming he'll always be alone?

Answer 1

Keep being his friend and acknowledging his worth. But don't make yourself his guardian; you can' t necessarily "fix" the things that keep him from being his best. He needs to want to change on his own, because he realizes things aren't working for him the way they are. If he asks for your help, be there to give it. But don't make him a "project."

Answer 2

sadly, theres not much you can do except you what you're already doing, being a friend. build up his confidence in himself, try going places with him as a friend but don't throw him a big crowd and expect him to swim. i have social anxiety and its hard to leave the house, let alone meet ppl. start small and go at his pace

Answer 3

You are already doing it. Keep being his friend and try including him slowly into the mix of other social activities you think he might enjoy. And remember the quantity of friends is not greater than the quality of just one friend.

Answer 4

You cannot fix his self-esteem, only he can, but you can help the process....
It sounds like his self-worth is all wrapped up in physical features and the approval of others. Sad....
What are his other redeeming qualitles? Everyone has them, but they are easily overlooked when we want to possess those qualities that we don't think we have.
As far as social interaction, maybe if he felt welcome in a social setting, he might feel more confident about his other redeeming qualities.
Here's a thought: Try taking him to a gay bar to watch a drag show. I know, it sounds funny, and that he is not gay. But one thing I know for sure, is that gay bars are the FRIENDLIEST places to be. It would also take the pressure off him from feeling unattractive to the opposite sex, or the pressure of trying to pick someone up. Take him shopping for a couple of metallic shirts (or some trendy-loud, look-at-me outfits) and hit the gay clubs. He will definitely be talked to and noticed. Tell him not to be afraid if he gets winked at, hit on, or stared at. Tell him to just be flattered.... Gay people know all about feeling unwelcome, and at the clubs, EVERYONE is welcome.
A lot of straight women go there to avoid being preyed upon by tons of horny guys who just want to seduce and conquer them. He might even meet a straight woman. If women think men are gay, they feel less threatened and more open and friendly.
Gays are so funny, freaky, and fabulous! They love drama, and they are so nice to everyone. You will always have fun at the clubs with them. He might meet some friends who can offer some fashion or makeover tips....
Gays know all about what it is like to feel unwelcome and to not fit in.....but get them together in a place where they can cut loose and be themselves....and a good time is to be had. He will love all the attention he gets.
Having a girlfriend or being desired by the opposite sex is validating, but it does not define who someone is. Desparation and neediness is very unattractive to the opposite sex. This is a billboard that screams "RUN". If he gets happy with himself, he will be attractive to the opposite sex.
His personality is a reflection of how he feels about himself, and other people pick up on that. he is worrying more about how he appears to others then how they feel. He is too self-absorbed.
Tell him to pay more attention to other people, give them compliments, and ask them questions about themselves, their interests, feelings, etc. Teach them how to say "FABULOUS" and point out other peoples' good qualities ("AWW, you are SO thoughtful") Teach him how to build rapport. By appreciating things about other people, he will become more popular with them, and start to feel better about himself. He will start to feel his other redeeming qualities. He will feel more welcome and people will want him around.
There are books about relating to others by Dale Carnegie (who writes books that help people in sales) and also about building rapport. "How to Win Friends and Make Poeple Like You" is one.
Basically, he needs to learn that he is funny intelligent, engaging, articulate, compassionalt, thoughtful, kind, generous, and empathetic. By focusing on OTHER people, he will learn that.
Going to the gay clubs has really helped me overcome social anxieties, and I still go even though I am mostly straight. My boyfriend loves to go to them with me, and he always has a good time....