Very LONG Problem...?

Question

It is kind of a long story...

You see, I've one friend, James, who is gay, he has his friends, & I have others too. My other friends are all homophobic it seems & his friends seem to hates me and my friends because they always pick on them.

Neither know me & James are friend. I kind of always wanted to keep it that way, because if I lost my friends I would only have James... :'-(

Recently though, he said he wanted to be more than friends! Which I do admit I really want too. But I am scared about my friends reactions because if we did become more than just friends I'd have to tell them right? His friends would probably be upset with him too... & I do not want him to lose a lot of good friends because of me!

So I do not know what to do. I'm scared of both of our other friends reaction... But yet there is an old saying "Don't let love pass you by."

So I feel at the same time like I want to be more than friends & yet I am scared to death to too. How can I know what is right?

Answer 1

If your friends are real friends, they will respect your decision whatever it is. If they don't, then don't feel bad about giving them the slip for good.

You only get a few chances at establishing a good, and maybe lifelong, relationship with a person. Talk to your intended about your worries and go from there.

All the best.

Answer 2

If your friends leave you because you find hapiness with James, then they are not friends. A good friend would be happy for you and James and embrace your relationship. This goes for both of you.

You also can keep your own friendships and make new ones together. Most the time in a coupled relationship you do lose a couple so called friends. they feel betrayed because you don't spend time with them or they don't like the bf. It happens, get use to it. however you will make new ones along the way. You both together will make new friends, coupled friends as well.

But remember if they are a good true friend this will not bother them. They will look at it from the point that you are happy and that is all they wanted for you. To be happy. So smile, go over to James and give him a hug and kiss and go for it.

Answer 3

It IS a really hard thing to do, but the other cliche is also pretty true: if you're current friends can't deal with the real you, you probably need new friends. As far as mixing of crowds goes: 1) The fact that your groups is currently pretty homophobic may go a long way as to why his group isn't too fond of them; when that changes (either because your friends grow up, or because you don't hang out with them anymore) his friends will probably get used to you. 2) If that doesn't happen, no one says you have to befriend all of the people he hangs out with. If you can say you've made the effort, that's really all anyone can ask. Good friends don't bail on someone because of who they're dating, so..that's really a nonissue.

Don't take offense to this, especially if I'm wrong, but from the social situation you're describing, I'm guessing you're in highschool. Whatever decision you end up going with (I know it can be really rough being out in highschool), just know that things get better, and people do for the most part grow up. Even if you can't tell that from yahoo answers.

Answer 4

Basically it comes down to this. IF you loose your friends by following your heart, they are not your true friends. I am going assume that you are in high school - or younger. It is a time when being gay is hardest becuase you are just trying to figure it out and the opinions of others are all that matters. IF you loose your friends it is not the end of the world, life does get better and has far more meaning than what a few small minds think. Follow your heart, you may have to stand up for yourself and your love - welcome to the club, if you haven't been watching the news fighting and definding your love is part of being gay. I can say it gets better. Even if the love does not work out (I gaurantee that almost every couple in your school will be well over in 5 years) you will have been true to yourself.

Answer 5

If your friends and his friends are truely friends they will understand because this is something that will make you both happy. Real friends would want to see thier friends happy. One thing I strongly believe in is that love conquors all. So if you are happy together, who cares what happens, as long as you have each other.

I have been involve for 3 years with a guy, about 2 months ago we had a bad split. My friends and family turned their back on him and to an extent me. My friends have threatened to cut me off if we get back together. Guess what, he turned up again, he had sorted his life out and got a job. He had also discovered that I was the only one for him. He now wants to look after me and get engaged. So you know what? We are back together of course the friends don't really know for sure. They suspect it, but hey, he makes me happy and I can't see myself in 30 years, say , without him. My friends and family will understand or risk loosing me not me loosing them. Remember you will not be the only two people loosing out, your friends will be loosing you both! So if you turn arround and say to them first, that this is how it is and if they don't like it they are not friends worth having. YOu know when the table is turned it is quite amazing how things can change. But remember this play the situation don't go crashing in like a bull in a china shop and tell your friends to get lost.

Long storey short. Why must you give up the chance for love and happiness for friends?

Good luck and may love prevale!

Answer 6

You are at a crossroads.

Do you deny who you are and what you want so as to remain popular with your friends?

Or do you live your life and possibly lose some people you thought were friends along the way?

I'd take option 2: Real friends'll stick by you and James - the others wouldn't be there for you in any case.

Who knows? It might stop all the abuse and hatred...

Answer 7

Putting the 'gay' issue aside for one second.

I have lots of different groups of friends that i have accumulated over the years, and there are two groups that hate each other (something happended before i hung out with either of them). Both groups know i am friends with the other and they respect this, they do not judge me for it, because their dispute has nothing to do with me. I refuse to talk about the others in their presence and so do they. Friends are meant to enhance your life and true friends like you for who you are, not just the good stuff. I have friends and some of the things they get up to i disapprove of but they are my friend and i love them regardless, it is a part of who they are. if you feel you cannot be honest with your friends and have to hide a part of who you are, then it is not you they like.....how could they? they do not know you, and you are not giving them the opportunity to truly like you are and by decieving them you are not being a good friend either. you have to trust your friends to like you for who you are and if they do not accept you, you have the opportunity to find some real friends.

As for the 'gay' issue, if you are feeling this way, you are probably gay or bisexual, and if you do not take this opportunity to be with james then another man will eventually come along who you are also attracted to so you will have to face this dilema again, surely it is better to face it with someone you already consider a friend and experience this in a supportive relationship with someone who knows what they are getting into.

I hope things work out for you, please keep us updated

*hugs and smiles*

Answer 8

Go to http://g0ys.org there you will learn about how to have a discrete relationship. When you are sure that your buddy is the one you are meant to be with then you can come out as a couple but till then I would be very discrete. maybe give it a few moths of being together privately as a couple then once you are absolutely sure you can be compatible and can count on the other to be there for you. then you can make the move to be more open. what friends you loose as a couple are not really your friends after all and you are better off with out them.

Answer 9

The only friends you will need are the ones who respect you and the decisions you make. If you want to go for it with James and these friends get all pissy with you then let them go, if they cant handle it they are not your true friends...maybe it would be a good thing for you.

Answer 10

I hope you're older than you sound. You are way too concerned about what 'the friends' will say. If you care for him, let him know. You have to walk in your mocassins - no one else can. And yes, people will pick on you. That's life. What is more important - your happiness or the respect of people who are bigoted?