The TRUE mysteries of the universe?

Question

Here it is, the true mysteries of the universe, the questions that will drive you mad if you think about them too much.
Can phone sex be concidered oral sex?
If a prostitute stuffs her bra, can you sue her for false advertisement?
Wooden tit be funny if an @ss steroid hit uranus?
Why do we fight wars in the name of a bible that says not to fight?
Why do weapons of mass destruction look just like weapons of @ss destruction?
Why is it sane for a religion to run around yelling about an invisible man watching them, yet if an individual does the same, he's crazy?
Why does everybody worry about not having enough gas when there are plenty of mexican resteraunts?
If you spin an Asian around in a chair, will he become dis-oriented?
If I buy weed killer, could I be charged with growing weed at home?
If I eat lots of cereal, wouldn't that make me a cereal killer?
And lastly, the biggest brain buster of them all, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Oh yeah, and why does an asteroid affect a hemisphere and a hemerhoid affect an ***?

Answer 1

1. Only if you're not using text messaging.
2. Yep, but the prostitute could get the case dimissed by filing her briefs.
3. No, butt....
4. Because they hit us first.
5. That depends on which way they are pointing.
6. Because there is safety in numbers.
7. Because eating beans to get gas doesn't work, it's like washing your car to make it rain.
8. Yes, but only occidentally.
9. No. You can be arrested for distribution, but weeds distribute themselves, so you're off the hook.
10. No, those are the people that MAKE the cereal, and suffocate it in the plastic wrap. Only Rice Krispies is served alive (they snap/crackle/pop when they drown in the milk!) all others die in transit, or waiting on the shelf. For best results, eat breakfast every day Monday through Friday, like most serials.
11. The amount of ground that a groundhog could grind if a groundhog could grind ground.

I'm going to bed....

Answer 2

1. Yes, in relative contextual definition.
2. No, because she is offering illegal services to begin with.
3. Yes. Nice play on words.
4. Hipocracy, Bigotry, Dogmatism, Arrogance, and Greed.
5. Because the masses are asses.
6. Aren't they the same?
7. And mexicans!
8. Yes.
9. No.
10. Yes if done in a repetitive, systematic fashion
11. 700 lbs. (per another question here on Yahoo! answers)

Answer 3

Here's the true one. Guys cry their eyes out when they fall in love, out of fear that they 'might' lose the girl. women don't know this coz the guys go straight to someone they trust to do it.
I just found out tonight, so did my lil girl. We thought her boyfriend was a freaking nut, then my son started up a week later, and we thought we turned him into a girl or something, now my daycare baby boy, came to stay with me for a week puffed up and unable to speak and that was it. We now know that guys actually are MORE sensitive than girls. I hope this doesn't make her reconsider that ridiculous ex boyfriend tho.

Answer 4

Just Great. Thanks a lot. Now i will be up all night pondering these true mysteries of the universe. how am i supposed to sleep tonight? Well you started it so now you must pay. i'm coming to your house until you answer them all. Whatcha makin for dinner?

Answer 5

That's quite a comedy routine you've worked up there. You just need a drum roll after each one.

Answer 6

yeah

Answer 7

lol