Make me laugh for 10 glorious points.?

Question

Best one wins I will be the judge.

Answer 1

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was
very busy, with a
Full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of
course I checked
My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not
asked to go potty
In a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept
thinking "Oh Lord, that child
Has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,
Danny, are you
SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he
must have had
An accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one
more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his
pants, bent over,
Spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people
Nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his
pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd
ever had!

Answer 2

I've heard this before, but I just got it again... It's great.
A Virgin's Nightmare
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

* * * * * * * * *

Answer 3

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and
a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never
shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this
job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out
with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill! my wife." The agent
said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun
is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the
chair."


MORAL: Women are evil.

Don't mess with them!!!!!


P.S. Peace girls!!!

Answer 4

Okay here goes...........So just a couple of days ago I tell my daughter (8) that I think this year when we buy school clothes we should buy her first training bra, right? She then she says to me (with a real serious look on her face) "Well thank God! Finally! When I started school last year everybody had'em! And it made me really mad!" I really did not know what to do! All I could do was laugh! And I hope you do, too. By the way we were in the middle of Wal-Mart when she decided to yell this out!

Answer 5

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Answer 6

Well here's a joke that makes me laugh, it made my mom, and aunt laugh!


A mother and her baby get on a bus and the bus driver tells the lady "That's one ugly baby you've got there." Upset the lady sits down next to an old man, he says "Why, you look so mad, why?" She told him that the bus driver was rude to her, he said "Why don't you go and get his badge # and report him." She said okay and he said "Go and write it down while I hold that monkey of yours!"

Answer 7

ok theres three nuns right.........and there in front of a church outside -fighting over a bicycle...they started to get real loud argueing whos turn it was to ride the bike....finally the priest comes out and says to the three nuns....alright ladies thats enough!!Keep it up and i'll have to put the seat back on it!!

Answer 8

the chicken crossed the road then went to gas station, got bag of Fritos. then got some beers crossed the road again then went to take a poopoo

Answer 9

a nun walks into the confessional and says " forgive me father for I have sinned. In a moment of weakness I touched my self to gain sexual pleasure" "You are forgiven my child" said the priest, " say ten Hail Marys and wash your hands in holy water.
Next in to the confessional was another nun, she said "Forgive me father for I have sinned, in a moment of weakness I touched a man's genitals to give him sexual gratification" "you are forgiven my child" said the father " Say ten Hail Marys and wash your hands in holy water"
As the two nuns were washing their hands in the Holy Fountain a third nun burst into the room and said " Outta my way Ladies I gots to Gargle!!"

Answer 10

A little girl about 6 years old went with her Dad to the barber shop. While he was getting his hair cut, she was standing next to him eating a twinkie. The barber said "Hey, sweetie, you're going to get hair on your twinkie". The little girl replied "I know. I'm going to get boobs too".