How do i help my friend?

Question

My bestfriend has been in a relationship for 7 years now. They have two children and just bought a house together. She came to me about a week ago and said that she no longer wants to be with her childrens father. But on the other hand she wont tell him how she feels. She makes smart comments about him leaving but wont come directly out and say it. She has made it very clear to me and her mother that she wants to be away from him. He has hit her once about a month ago and he is always downing her and accusing her of cheating. Everytime she gets the guts to tell him, he sweet talks her and she buys into it. She doesnt know who she is anymore, she is this person that he has created and she does anything he asks when he asks. How can we help her get the courage to stick up for herself and tell him how she feels and realize that what they have is not good?

Answer 1

Sorry to say but she will have to decide for herself what she wants if she really didn't want to be there she wouldn't maybe she just misses being single sometimes, or maybe she really is scared but her reaching out is the only thing that will help her get away all you can do is support her and help her find herself.

Answer 2

Your friend is suffering from "Battered woman's syndrome." It's a hard thing to get away from and a hard thing to live with. If she truly wants out then she must be made to understand that she need to make plans to get away. She also needs a way to remind herself of the bad things he has done to her so the sweet talk won't work anymore. (Even if she has to write it down)

Unfortunately it sounds like your friend doesn't have the self esteem necessary to get herself motivated to leave him. She may believe no one else will want her (something that is usually reinforced by the abusive partner), she may be afraid she cannot make it financially, and she may just want to keep her children with their father. Try letting her know that the example that she is setting for her children's relationships to come is not a good one. If she has a daughter, she is teaching her to put up with abuse; and if she has a son she is teaching him that abuse is ok. Sometimes if you appeal to a woman through her children she will rise to the occaision. It's not an easy thing to just get up and leave, but she has a right to happiness and an abusive relationship is not where she will find it.

Do not expect her to just jump up and do this. This is a very frightening process, but she must be made to understand that abuse doesn't get better without some serious life-changing work and without it, it's just going to get worse. Perhaps a trip to a battered women's shelter is what she needs. Maybe if she hears from them how things escalated in their lives she will understand what she is facing.

Answer 3

If he hit her once he will do it again and it will only get worse. You can not help someone who does not want help. Just be there to support her and maybe get her some literature from the batters women shelter in your area. Maybe you can get her to just go by there and speak with someone who has been through this. I hope he has not hit the children. If he has then you can call child protective services on him and they will remove him from the home or the children will be removed. Then maybe she will get the heck out of that very destructive relationship! Some states will prosecute the abuser even if the victim does not press charges. Maybe the next time this happens, and it will, someone will hear the commotion and call the cops. I hope so.

Answer 4

This best friend of your's needs to get out NOW!!!!!! If the guy hit her once that means in time he will do it again, again and again. This is what these abusers do. They make promises that they never, ever keep only to keep the person there thats being abused. Tell her to leave immediately and leave the jerk a letter on the table and not to ever go back to him again no matter what. She better go before she can't walk out because he beated her so terribly bad. This does happen and it could happen to her too. Do not hesitate ...get her away from that abuser. There's a better life out there for her. Hope this helps.

Answer 5

DO NOT PREACH TO HER, do not tell her how stupid she is for staying. Tell her you love her & that you will be there for her when she needs you.

Remind her that she is teaching her children by example how to love & cope in everyday life & ask her if this is how she wants her daughter to be treated by a man or how she wants her son to treat a woman. Our children learn life lessons by example.

Talk with her mother & make an agreement you will help her financially if she chooses to leave, but be certain you are willing to back up that promise. One of the biggest reasons women stay in & go back to an abusive relationship is because of financial difficulty. Make certain she has a "safe" place for her & her children to go to when she leaves.

Above all, make yourself a safe person to go to when it all falls apart.

Helping a friend in this situation is the most rewarding thing you can do. Been there done it & we are the closest friends to this day.

Answer 6

She is in an abusive relationship and it is harder for women to leave these relationships. She needs to make a plan and work the plan towards getting herself out of this relationship. She needs to have her own bank account (that he cannot see or touch). She needs to put money away and get an attorney. He has to pay child support for the children. If the house is partially hers, she needs to protect her interests. If he hits her again - she has to file charges. Some states have a law that says while in prison women can get more help towards getting away from the men. She needs to make a list of all the monies they have together. She can also go to Women helping Women (they have branches all over - they sometimes have different names, but they help women and children get out of dangerous situtations.

Answer 7

my sis went through the same thing and the more you told her what she "should do" the more she stayed with him. and eventually he had raped, beaten, sodomized and almost killed her a few times.

you have to let her make the decision no matter how much it hurts her or her loved ones. eventually she will get tired of it and just leave. but in the mean time you have to keep telling her that it's not supposed to be like that. but tell her in round about ways like "my sweetie would never do those things cuz he loves, cares and has respect for me." let her know that you wouldn't put up with it. put yourself in her shoes. she's probably too terrified to leave. she's probably scared to death that he might do something to her if she does. the treats are probably real to her right now. but most of all keep praying that something will happen soon. good luck :)

Answer 8

CALL THE MAURY POVICH SHOW AND HAVE HIM BRING IN D WEST HE WILL STRAIGHTEN HIS STUPID A** UP AND HE IS NOT A MAN IF HE HITS HER IF SHE IS AFFRAID TO LEAVE THEN SHE NEEDS TO SEEK HELP FROM SOMEONE AND DO NOT LET HIM KNOW WHERE SHE WENT IS HE ABUSIVE TO THE KIDS TOO? IT ALSO SOUNDS LIKE HE HAS A SECURITY AND TRUST PROBLEM AS WELL BUT HIS HANDS NOR FISTS WILL SOLVE THE PROBLEM SO SHE NEEDS TO GET AWAY BEFORE SOMETHING SERIOUS HAPPENS I HAVE BEEN THERE AND I GOT OUT TELL YOUR FRIEND I WISH HER ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD

Answer 9

DO YOURSELF A FAVOR MIND YOUR BUSINESS LET HER TALK TO YOU BE THERE FOR SUPPORT BUT KEEP YOUR COMMENTS TO YOURSELF BECAUSE SHE IS NOT READY TO LEAVE ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS TALK JUNK AND STILL BE WITH HIM AND WHEN THEY MAKE UP YOU LOOK LIKE THE BAD GUY JUST BE THE SHOULDER SHE NEED S TO LEAN ON I KNOW I HAVE SOMEONE LIKE THAT AND I HAVE LEARNED NOT TO SAY NOTHING AND AFTER A WHILE, I JUST LET HER KNOW IF YOUR NOT WILLING TO LEAVE BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY DV SHELTERS OUT KNOW THAT YOU DONT HAVE TO STAY IN THAT SITUATION BUT UNTIL SHE IS READY SHE'S ALWAYS GONNA TALK SO JUST BE HER FRIEND

Answer 10

Tell her....but anyone who knows that they dont want to be with a person dosent go and BUY a house together...thats DUMB!!!