How do I deal with a Fiance that is too strict on my children from a previous marriage?

Question

I am engaged to a man that had a very strict upbringing. I came from a divorced family setting and he didn't. My mom was never very strict with my sibling and I, so I in return am not very strict with my children. They are by no means horrible children, they just act like normal 11 year olds. But every thing has to be perfect and his way. I seriously want to be with this man but am afraid that it won't work because my children and him can not get along. The only time they ever get alone is when I am not home. We have tried numerous things and nothing seems to work. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

do not marry him if you don't want to experience another failure, your kids come first and it looks like this man is very particular about his ways and will continue to be so.

a marriage certificate is not going to change him but in fact is going to make him feel more rights to be strict over you and your kids.

sorry but it's the truth, sooner or later you'll have to face it.

Answer 2

Have a sincere talk with him. Make the surroundings a different one so he doesn't get the idea that it's the same old complaining or a nag session. Basically, you need to explain in a tactful manner that these are not his children. Tell him that they have expressed how he intimidates them and that you feel his behavior is an unsafe and dangerous way to act towards them. After all, they are children and I guarantee they will carry with them the manner in which you allow them to be parented for a long, long time.

If your Fiance disagrees (like he will), tell him how important your kids are and that if it has to be between either of them, the kids will always win. Harsh truth but it has to be said. They depend on you, and he is not taking into consideration that they are to be brought up NOT in the manner he may have been, or whatever is convenient to him. There has to be a guideline and you have to set the precedent.

Bottom line: Any man that truly loves you will not endanger you or your children if you communicate that to him.

So, if he resists and gets defensive, you need to seriously ask yourself whether you want to stay with this Fiance of yours. Never ever get married for the sake of getting married, or because you feel your age, or because you're lonely.

Why do I get the impression that this question of yours has much more to it than just the way he treats your kids?

Think about it.

Answer 3

Are you sure that they are not horrible children. I have some relatives who's kids are real brats. Ill behaved and generally horrible, but the parents think they are wonderful...... Do your kids leave the dinner table and play around before the meal is finished ? Do they run around playing in shops, restaurants, friends houses and other places where it is inappropriate ? Do they fight amongst themselves or with other kids regularly ?
Do you give them everything they ask for ? Do they eat what they want all the time, or do you make them eat what is good for them sometimes.

On the other hand, kids are never going to be perfect, and expecting them to be is a road to disaster.

They may well need more disipline than you are giving them, and need to learn time when they have to be good, and when it is OK to lark about.

The only advice I can offer is that you and your fiance need to agree on how you're going to handle the children and present a common front to them. If you are lax and he is strict they will just resent him, and play you off against each other. Not good for the kids or your relationship. However, if they get the same treatment and the same rules form both of you they will know exactly where they stand, and should respond. You will certainly get a bit of resistance from them to start with, but give rewards for good behaviour rather than punishments for bad.

With a bit of effort you will have a happy family and children you can be proud of. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 4

It depends how "perfect" you mean. There is a world of difference between someone who basically likes children and wants to be involved with them, but has stricter expectations that you do, and someone who carps all the time because he basically doesn't like kids. If he belongs to the second category, you owe it to yourself and your children not to marry him.

If he does care about the kids, see if you can work out some rules that are reasonable for their age that you can both agree on. There is nothing unusual about one parent being the enforcer and the other the lax one. However it is essential that you should be prepared to back him up. If the kids know two of you are divided against each other, it will be disaster all around. In fact that's probably why that can't get along with him now.

Answer 5

Children learn from adults, whether it's their biological parent or not. If you sense trouble in this area, this early, then it's time for YOU as a mother to decide what's important to you. Your children OR your man. Those are the dividing lines right there, and they've been drawn. There is no going back.

However, I think having 2 parents is a positive thing but NOT if you are so far apart on your ideas regarding the disciplining of children.

You must start dealing with this right now, with BOTH your childrens feelings and your mans feelings. Sit down apart and then try sitting down together.

Children need guidance and they need rules. They need some sort of structure. It's so terrible for them to be one way with one parent and another way with the other parent, BIOLOGICAL parent OR NOT.

My sincere advice is this: Tell your man that before you marry him you and he will complete a good solid parenting course that will teach BOTH of you ONE strategy for discipline and apply it ALL the time without deviating from it.

That's the wisest way for you, him, AND the children.

Answer 6

run as far away frm this man as soon as possible. he is a control freak. and when u get married, he will b so domineering u wont b able 2 stand it. he has shown u that its his way or nothing. nothing u do will EVER please him, and he will control every thing u & ur kids will do. i know , i married 1. the dishes had 2 b done as he onstructed me 2 do, even then, he would find some lil thing to rag on me about. im telling u think of the rest of ur life, [& ur kids] doing what some1 else wants u to do, never having a say in anything. picture the future, realisticly, and how it will be if u marry this man. hes just like an abuser, it gets worse as time goes by. get out while u can, if not 4 u, then 4 ur kids. good luck & when u look at him, dont look at him with ur heart, look at him with ur brain once, see if u even LIKE the guy.

Answer 7

Your fiance has no right to discipline your children; I don't care how good his intentions are. He is not their father, he never will be. You are the parent in their household and the only person who they should be taking direction from. He should be there to support your decisions. They are not, and never will be, his kids. Trust me on this. I don't mean to sound harsh, I'm just being honest. I've been there and the only reason my husband and I were successful in blending our family was because he parented his kids, and I parented mine. And even with all our success, and all the love we still have for each other and our children, I would never recommend blending families. You can't even begin to imagine all the conflicts that will come your way. If you can, just wait out the 8 years, after your kids have gone to college. The time will fly by sooner than you can imagine.

Answer 8

your children have to come first and by my experience after your married he will be worse. you can still have a relationship with this man without marrying him and giving him control over your children one day not so long from now those kids are gonna grow up and leave the nest and then you and him can get married and you can let him control every thing about you if you want in the mean time this man is not the father of your children and sounds like to me is a little jealous of the children thats why they get along when your not there. and he should not have the upper hand with your children...

Answer 9

Well if u really want to be w/him than u both need to sit down and discuss the issue. My husband I r totally at opposite ends of the discipline issue. I'm very strict and he is very laid back. That is how we were raised. So we try to compliment each other. There r some issues that r mine to handle...such as friends, phone, cptr, etc. And there r other issues that he handles...such as backtalking, lieing, etc. Sometimes we tell our children that punishment or possibly no punishment will be decided after hubby and I have a chance to discuss the issue.

Your future husband needs to be willing to work w/u and u w/him. U also need to speak to your children and make sure they understand that sometimes he will be in charge and sometimes u will be and they need to respect both of u.

Answer 10

Children need discipline, but there has to be balance. Your kids may resent that he is the disciplinarian because he is not their father....maybe if you take more of the disciplinary responsibilities on yourself he may not feel the need to be so strict. Remember that these children are your responsibility and he has to remember that too. Either way, you, your fiance and your children need to come to some kind of understanding and then adhere to your it before you take the plunge.