Only for people dealing with their current husbands ex-wives and their kids!?

Question

I might be selfish and jealous or just not ready for all this, I've been dating this guy for over a year the closer we get the further we also get. He is a great guy as far as taking care of me and he is too in love which sometimes gets annoying and he is also insecure because of his Ex. Is it ok for him to go outside when they are arguing? I hate that. I've never heard them talk only promptly when it has to do with the kids but I know they talk. I also feel like he is still scared from her and it makes me feel that his is still not over her. She didn't want to be married to him anymore because she met someone else. It is normal for Ex wives to give their Ex husbands a hard time when they finally meet someone. If I say something about her, he use to tell me don't talk about his sons mother like that. She never did anything to me directly it's always indirectly. I need some direction will this ever end?

Answer 1

oh, girl, i don't know where to start! I was in that same situation. He was my boyfriend, but got upset if I talked about his kids mom, and EVERYTHING you stated!!!
Well I ended up marrying this guy. It doesn't get any better just cuz you got married!!
Now that the step kids have all grown up, hit 18 and went back and forth between dad &me, and their mom, I can tell you my regrets:
I regret not that I was jealous, insecure, selfish, etc. but that I took it out on the kids.
I regret that I didn't just let the kids have their mom. You can never come in their lives and get them to ever feel about their mom the way you do, you can never get them to like you better than their own mom!; that will never happen!
I regret even thinking it could!
I regret not just being the wonderful step mom I had the opportunity to be.
I regret not taking my place of being the person; in the middle.

you know what, it took a LONG time for my husband to fully get over his first wife, mother of his first 3 children. I went through a lot. He always, accused me of being just like her.
Your boyfriend is hurt right now, he doesn't trust woman. He is probably hanging on to his ex-wife in spirit so to speak, cuz he is so hurt. It will take a special, understanding, unselfish person to help him through. (my husband's ex left him for someone else too, she clearly didn't want him! But she never let him go, she gave him the three kids and stood in our lives until the last one hit eighteen) Right now he is just your boyfriend, honey, you have time to think about what you want and deserve out of life. If you are a martyr, go for it. If you don't want to play second fiddle to you, your boyfriend, his ex, his kids than keep an eye out for someone else, someone without the baggage. It is a hard life! It never turns into what we "dream" it should be. It can but it will take a while. It took me 17 years! My husband recently told me all that I am telling you. He was hurt by woman and didn't trust me and took out on me what she did to him.
My marriage today is what I wanted it to be in the beginning. I really loved him, beside everything else that he brought along, I loved him so much! (i guess I still do, I'm a lil bitter about the whole 16 years and anquish it took to get here!) but like you said about your boyfriend, he treats you right!!
Now, please take some of the drama I mentioned into consideration, and decide if he is worth it!
Good luck!

Answer 2

Welcome to the world of second marriages, or almost-marriage since you haven't actually married the guy yet. Think really really hard before you take the big step. This is not an easy road and it has lots of potholes. You might hit one.

Exes with children will likely talk to each other. This is a given unless one of the parents has completely and totally abandoned them. So you need to either learn how to accept this or find someone else who doesn't have a former wife and kids.

Do you really want to listen to them argue? I think not. That is their business.

Now I must also mention his kids and your role regarding them should you marry their father. Those kids already have a mother and they don't need another one. You can be their friend and supporter but you aren't their mother. This is especially true for children who are older (say 5 yrs old or more). The discipline needs to come from their mom and dad. If they are going to spend a lot of time or live most of the time with their Dad and his second wife, then the direction while they are there has to be set by Dad. He has a difficult role because he must balance the needs of his new wife and marriage with those of the children from his previous marriage.

More second marriages end in divorce than first marriages. This is a troubling statistic because the overall divorce rate of ALL marriages is 50%.

There are two issues that can become troubling in second marriages: one is money and the second is children from the first marriage.

Answer 3

I'm going through the same thing. My husband's ex packed her stuff and left. Took their kids with her. She told him it was over. So we started dating. She would drop off the kids with us all the time. We had then more then she did. I loved it. And when she seen that I didn't mind having them around. She wouldn't let them come around anymore. Before we got married, she would go to his place of work and bother him. Trying to get back with him. But we are happily married now and have been together for 7 years.
As far as them going outside. Just let them be. He's with you now. Instead of saying things about her. Just say that you don't like what she's doing to him. Because you love him so much. You don't want to see him hurting because of her. Try not to let her get to you. I've just now realized that. Don't let it take so long.

I hope everything works out between you two.

Answer 4

Maybe he is going outside out of respect to you! My ex-husband used to call me when he found out I had someone else in my life and my boyfriend at the time (now my husband) would frequently get calls of harassment and always take them outside and I found that to be very respectful because I'm sure they had some words exchanged and I was protected from hearing them.
I had been divorced from my ex for more than 8 months before I met another man that I wanted to even consider. I think the ex's just want to create friction and get their kicks in trying to make problems.
It sounds to me that she was like my ex - overbearing, controlling and jealous because of their screw ups.

So, just ignore her and don't be upset with your boyfriend that he is showing you some respect and loves you so much.

He and his ex will always have a something in common as long as there are children involved and that is something you will have to either accept or reject.

My current husband accepted my 2 children and I that was one of the most important things in our relationship.

If you care for him, you will hang in there.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

It won't end until he ends it. Trust me, I've been there, and it hurts and is frustrating to no end. It doesn't sound like you feel he's over the marriage yet, and since you're right there, I'd trust your gut on that.

My husband took years to finally end it. It wasn't that he wanted her back, he just kept connected through arguing over the kids and all that stuff. She did the same.

I finally put my foot down and forced him to either choose me and our kids and his kids, or her and their kids. He swore the whole time that this wasn't happening, but I told him that as long as I knew it was, it was to me, and that was what I was going to make my decision based on. Somehow that got his attention.

I told him I wouldn't leave, but wouldn't be loyal to him. That I would put my other relationships with friends and the kids before him. It took a long time of holding to my guns before he finally felt the shoe on the other foot and stopped it.

Do the work before your relationship goes any further....it's a very very difficult thing to work through. Good luck.

Answer 6

As an ex-wife, I urge you to have a heart to heart with your man about how you feel. I also hope you will do your best to be civil to the ex. If you are in this for life, you will deal with her until the kid is 18 and then some. Also try to remember that whatever went on with them happened before you were in the picture; try not to take it personally.

Answer 7

Your relationship needs to come first which means that your boyfriend needs to work with you about ways that you will be more comfortable with his ex and kids. He is still operating under his "wife" coming first and hasn't broken that tie yet. Let him know how you feel and ask that you both come up with ways that will help you both feel secure and happy within your relationship together. By the way, I have and am going through major stuff within my relationship with his kids/ex-wife. I really don't know if it gets easier or not, but your relationship needs to come first along with his kids, his kid's mother should be nothing more than a "co-parent" with communication strictly about the children, not personal stuff.

Answer 8

Seems to me the only thing you see really good about this guy is .. he takes good care of you. May I ask why anyone would want to get involved with a divorced man and all his luggage (mental and physical). There are plenty of guys out there, you don't have to settle for this. And to answer one of your questions... yes, the ex is always going to be butting into your life and trying to make you look bad.

Answer 9

that one statement "he's too in love with me" kind of bugs since there is not such thing. You either love someone and they love you back, or someone isn't into the relationship as much as the other.

and yes, most ex's have a hard time moving on if the one hasn't resolved all their issues. my ex is still freaking out over 3 years. i can't wait till he has a girlfriend!!!

Answer 10

I can speak for someone who's in your husband's shoes. My husband and I have to deal with my ex-husband (we have one child together who my current husband and I have custody of) and we have two kids together. Whe have been together for 4 years now and he was extremely jealous whenever I would have to even talk to my ex about matters with our son, Jayden. He hated it when I had to go over there to drop him off or pick him up. It got so bad that I didnt' want to call my ex while my husband was there b/c I knew it would make him uncomfortable, which in turn, would make me uncomfortable and I wouldn't be able to concentrate on what I was trying to tell my ex in the first place! My husband gave me such a hard time for the first two years, he would always help me with Jayden, and be an excellent second dad, but every other weekend would eventually roll around, and he would hate to have to 'share' Jayden with my ex.
I would try to cator to my husband and make him feel as secure as possible, but he would just make really bad comments to me and hurt my feelings just b/c he was extremely jealous. I sometimes would want to give up with him b/c I couldn't please him, nor soothe his jealousy. If I talked to my ex in front of him he would be watching me and making sure he would listen to everything I would say, and get mad at me for 'not standing up enough' to him. If I talked to him in private it would still make him mad, b/c he would be wanting to know everything that was said, and why did I call him while he wasn't there? I couldn't win with him...until finally I got him to see that it was him that I want, and always will, but I have no choice but to deal with my ex b/c we do have a kid together. I just kept assuring him that there was nothing going on, nor did he have to worry about it.
Now he's gotten better, and our relationship is flowing more smoothly. But, you just have to learn how to control your jealousy and trust that your man is only dealing and talking with her b/c he HAS to.