I have a friend, not a best friend but a guy that I like & get on well with, well enough that he feels open enough to tell me about his relationships... Not that this is a very secretive subject for him. For the entire time I have known him he has not said a single nice thing about his partner, he has always talked of wanting to finish the realtionship but never has, & he has cheated on her numerous times with out ever coming clean/being found out. When his girlfriend and I met we hit it off very quickly, spent enormous amounts of time togehter and have become very close, infinitely more so than he and I. It seems that I can not be a true friend to both of them, if I am a true friend to him then I feel I am letting her down, if I am a true friend to her then I am betraying his confidence in me. The situation is complicated further by my feelings towards her and my belief in our compatibility. I'm not convinced that my divulgation of this information would be entirely for her benefit.
2006-08-03 12:34:08 · 18 answers · asked by Little Swallow 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
Don't say anything. It will only make her dislike you.
2006-08-03 12:42:33 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your "best friend" treats her with such disrespect how much respect does he have for himself or for you even. I'm not saying that you should tell her, because there is a chance that she will not believe you if she's got blinders on where he is concerned. Have you let him know how you feel about the way he is treating her? If he wants to end it why doesn't he? If he really dislikes her so much why is he still with her? He's playing games with her and she deserves to know...but perhaps you should let someone else do the telling. One of her other friends perhaps. Either that or take her somewhere where she can see and hear what's really going on behind the scenes. Tape recorders and video cameras work wonders.
2006-08-11 08:54:41 · answer #2 · answered by kalischild57 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your judgement maybe clouded by your feelings for her. Though I must say what her boyfriend is doing to her is not acceptable, but are you certain she doesn't already know but choose to blissfully ignore it.
Be patient, if you two get close enough that she discusses doubts about her relationship and that she will like to get out of it, then I would say definitely tell her. But otherwise telling her now, she may end up resenting you and if her boyfriend denies it, she may even think you are some saddo with a crush. Also, even if she does believe you she may end up "shooting the messenger" so it wouldn't be the happy ending I think you're hoping for.
Your loyalty to the guy is lessened by the fact that your friendship to him is not as great as that to her. Are you sure he really say nothing positive about her or is it that your expression of your feelings towards her is greater than his.
In the long run though the truth will out and his whoring may have dire consequences for her e.g. her getting and STI. Simply think if you had no feelings for her what would you do? Approach this as a true friend to her and do not expect her to get with you after she finds out, don't even expect her to believe you if you tell her, but as a friend it is your duty to tell her.
So I will say do tell her she may be hurt and angry at first but in the long run when she doesn't catch Chlamydia and become infertile she will thank you for it.
2006-08-03 13:00:53 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
ooo... that's a tough one! I think that being a true friend sometimes means keeping hurtful information to yourself. But having said that, you really like her and you seem to be a much better person for her to have in her life.. so telling her will give you the opportunity to show her what she deserves. I think distancing yourself from her bf is probably the best thing to do. Tell him that you think his gf is a lovely person and you feel uncomfortable knowing that he isn't treating her well. Then maybe suggest to her that you "have a feeling" that he may be cheating on her. See if that casts enough doubt for one of them to take the next step and end the relationship! hope this helps!
2006-08-03 12:58:33 · answer #4 · answered by lila 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He sounds a right pain. I would tell him quietly in a friendly manner that you are uncomfortable listening to him putting his girlfriend down all the time. Ask him to consider if he really wants to stay with her. If he does make it a rule that if he has nothing good to say... don't say it.
If you are starting to have stronger feelings for the girl, I agree it puts you in a difficult situation re telling her of his cheating etc...
Do you think she really loves him?
May be you should tell her how you feel about her.
Not much help I know, it's a kind of damned if you do damned if you don't situation
good luck.. I hope it turns out OK.
I
2006-08-03 23:25:14 · answer #5 · answered by Ellie G 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was in similar situation and believe me, either way you're going to look like the bad guy. The best thing i can tell you is just to stay neutral and let them work out there problems. Support them both but if you tell her about him he's going to feel like you betrayed his trust. As for her, i found out from experience that it's better to let her find out about his cheating on her own. If you tell her he'll probably just lie his way out of it and they'll both be looking at you as the troublemaker! I know, cause I've been there! If your feelings for her mean that much, then maybe you should sit him down and tell him. There's really no easy solution for this, trust me!(been there.)
2006-08-03 13:00:53 · answer #6 · answered by Pancho 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you hit on something when you said "The situation is complicated further by my feelings towards her and my belief in our compatibility". Albeit unfair on her that her partner sounds like a rat, she has chosen to be with him - sounds like for better or worse; he is your mate, she is his partner, you like her.. you need to be clear about your reasons for being this "kind friend" telling her the truth.. sadly you could end up loosing both their friendships, beware of your motives before spilling the beans. Getting in the middle of friends relationship is a difficult and high risk thing to do, sounds like the one hurting most is you? sorry this is not more constructive.
2006-08-08 23:05:24 · answer #7 · answered by dianafpacker 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a very easy case. If for any reason u have mixed feelings over anything at all then its best u opt out. Dont eva do anything that will make u regret. U will find that after all the fuss its not worth it.
2006-08-10 09:23:37 · answer #8 · answered by kalik 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I suggest you leave them to sort things between them. It can't last at this rate, she must know something is wrong with the 'relationship'. tell him you don't want be piggy in the middle and if he doesn't want her he should sort it out! Whatever you do you will probably fal l out with one or both. He probably won't like you getting together with her even though he calls her and cheats on her. Also she may think you're telling tales to break them up, or else she'll want to know why you didn't tell her if she finds out you knew all along. Be careful.
2006-08-09 07:47:49 · answer #9 · answered by xbkw46 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Right, lets face the facts here
1. this bloke is a waste of space
2. you want his girlfriend
3. you probably have very little to do with this bloke if you didnt know his girlfriend.
the picture is becoming clear, you want his girlfriend, thats fine she would be infinatly better off with you, he does not love her or he would not cheat on her, so say nothing, things will take their course, then you can decide what to do, the old advice "if you dont know what to do, do nothing" is a good one, things will progress, but she will only leave him when she is ready, be nice to her, build her confidence as much as you can, it will happen before you know it, I only hope she sees you as boyfriend material, and thinks the same way you do!
2006-08-08 14:08:36 · answer #10 · answered by magpyre 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oooh tricky!
Keep out of it - when she finds out (if she doesn't already know) just deny all knowledge.
It isn't your responsibility to tell either one of them - they could end up back together and then the only person they are going to blame is you.
Good luck x x
2006-08-03 20:05:34 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋