She was the best... He was a good man...?

Question

My father and his companion have lost their life-long mates to death and they, in the course of their recovery from such trama, attended group support programs where they made this observation:

Men, who while expressing their grief over their lost wives, would consistantly call upon a common phrase in describing their past spouse: "She was the best."

Women likewise had a phrase they uniformly used to describe their late husbands: "He was a good man."

My father and his companion found this to be so universally true of grieving widowers and widows that they have me wondering why this might be so...

If you are willing to accept that my farher's observation was at least partially accurate and that the above can be trusted, do you
think that it points out a unique difference in the way that men and women love their mates, and if so ... what is that difference?

Each new widower into the group, in addition to whatever else he said about his late wife, whould finalize and qualify his thoughts of her by saying - "She was the best."

Each new widow who joined the group would conclude that her thoughts of her late husband by saying, "He was a good man."

Answer 1

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You know, I have always found that respect and love are very close. Death does seem to make abrupt changes.

Answer 2

I find this interesting, but I think rather than answer it, I'll add some questions, which I think you need to ask if you're going to go seriously after an answer to this question.

1. Did the first woman speak, then the second woman heard the first woman, and felt (subconsciously or consciously) a desire to imitate her predecessor?

2. Could it be due to sociolinguistic patterns that are gender associated, or patterns of language socialized into women? Deborah Tannen's books talk a lot about this. This is my hunch.

3. Is there some typical difference, between what a woman really values most in her husband, and what a man really values most in his wife? I can see that a lot of devoted husbands put their wives on a level of adoration. Not that women don't, but perhaps it is the first thing that comes to mind for me. "She was the best" is kind of something I can't imagine more intellectual and wordy men saying, but certainly something that a lot of average and typical men might say. It sounds like something an older guy 50+ or so might say. "He was a good man" sounds like something I can imagine a 50+ woman saying. I can't imagine a 30s widow saying that. I would imagine she would say something that comes from her own generation's language patterns in describing loved ones.

4. Have I missed any fourth possibility, other categories of answers?

Answer 3

I have been with many family members after they have lost a loved one. And every single time they said "I miss him/her, I loved them so much" they would break down in great heaving sobs. As this is a group support program, I doubt that they would want to break down in front of relative strangers.

But, yes, we all remember the good things, because that is what we miss the most about that person. "She was the best" because she knew all his faults and loved him anyway. "He was a good man" because he tried to do the best he could.

The people that are glad their spouse is gone, don't go to these support groups. End of story.

Answer 4

Rather than a difference, I see a similarity.

What's most significant and interesting to me is the fact that they both used the same phrase over and over. I would've guessed they would describe their lost love in different ways at different times.

Answer 5

I think it's similiar too, it's just that women (being one myself) think very hard about what to say, as not to offend anyone in particular times of grief. While men, in my experience, say the first thing that comes to mind. "He was a good man." refers to that person in particular, while "She was the best." is an all around gesture, comparing the woman to all others. So, they didn't love each other differently in my opinion. :)

Answer 6

i think the pertinent thing there is whats left unsaid
they dont wanna say anything derogatory about their dead spouse
ask them the same question when the spouse is still alive, and itd be a whole different story

Answer 7

No...it's natural during intense grief to forget things that may have bugged you about someone close to you, to summarize and categorize your feelings that are positive about the person as you try to absorb your loss.

Answer 8

I don not think it's a difference in the way they love. I think it is a form of respect.

Answer 9

good.