To fight or not to fight that is the question?

Question

I have a 13yr old step son who has informed his father and I that he wishes to live with us full time.
He has spoke to his mother and she has refused. my husband and i have also tried to talk to her and she just becomes beligerent.

We do not want to put our son through the court system but we feel we have no choice as she is not hearing the reason why he would like to stay.

I understand her being hurt and upset and we do not want to make this any tougher on all parties than need be.

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated

Answer 1

Of course, no mother would give up his son that easy. She loves him and taking her baby away from her is devastating.

You are very considerate as choosing not to go throught the legal system to do this, as he is now old enough to tell the court where he would like to live instead.

He is quite young and being a teen he just might not know what he wants. You might go through all that trouble and then he might change his mind.

I suggest for him to be supportive of him and try to make him understand that his mom loves him too and that is hard for her to let go as he loves him very much. Tell him that he may convince his mother and explain the reasons why he has made that decisition and that he loves her very much tooo and that that doesn;t mean that he loves her less, just that he needs male bonding and role model in his formative years as a man.

Continue being considerate and extremely careful . Teenagers are extremely sensitive and this is a cricial issue that needs to be adress with love, tact and understanding.

Good luck

Answer 2

13 is such a tough age. I mean, hormones are going crazy and usually kids are starting to rebel about that age too. So why is he wanting to move away from his mother. Is it because she is truly not taking care of him or is it more than she is not letting him get his way. I don't know the situation so, I am just playing devil's advocate here. Kids can be very manipulative especially at this age. You guys should dig a little deeper and find out what is really going on and not just go by what a 13 year old says. His mother might be getting so ugly because she feels threatened and hurt by her son wanting to leave. You and your husband may try talking to her in a way where she does not feel like you are trying to take her child and blame her for everything. I know I would have a major problem if my son wanted to leave and my ex husband was telling him he could live with him. Like I said she is probably hurt and feeling betrayed. Talk to some relatives or people who are close to them, not to pry, but just to see what is really going on. Now, if the mother is abusive or not caring for him properly...I say go to court, but if the son is just deciding he wants to move in with Dad....I would dig a little deeper to find out the real reason why. You don't want the son to play mother against father...that happens too often and always leads to trouble.

Answer 3

This is a common situation, and the authorities deal with it every day. You just petition the Friend iof the Court. They will set a hearing date, when the child will get to express their desires. Then, depending on their age, and just what the reason is, the court will determine what's best for the child. They usually give the child's desire a lot of weight, assuming the home the child wishes to move to is found to be a suitable place for the child.

Answer 4

At 13, maybe the child is too young to be making these decisions - maybe it is based on emotions that he is just feeling now. Thay could change at any time. How about bringing in other family members and maybe someone right outside of the families and discussing this as a Group. Look at the boy's needs and you may find there weill be ansers that can satisfy everyone's needs. Good luck.

Answer 5

It would be easier to say if you had given the kids reasons here. Often times the custodial parent is the one who has to discipline, get after them over homework, set the rules and be the bad guy, they have no choice they are dealing with him alone most of the time. The non custodial parent takes them to have fun on weekends and makes 'plans' to do things with the kid when they will have them, buys their love out of guilt for having left him in the first place, this of course makes it seem like living with the non custodial parent would be like a non stop carnival to a kid and they think it will be easier to live with and get away with whatever they want at the non custodial parents house. I've seen it 100 times! Its hard to think that a kid is manipulating you like that but they do it all the time, you won't meet anything more selfish than a child but its supposed to be that way, they aren't supposed to be thinking of the rest of the world yet.

Just to make sure this isn't the case you should decide and review what the rules and regulations will be IF he comes to live with you...for example bedtime is 9 on school nights and 9:30 on weekends (or whatever you choose), you will expected to maintain a B (whatever he's at now) average in school, you will NOT do this and WILL be responsible for these chores around the house, etc...you get the picture (besides you really NEED to think about these things and make these decisions) there is a LOT more to having a kid around full time than there is to having them visit on weekends. Also, sit him down and ask him what his expectations of living with you are, you might just hear him say well you guys let me stay up late and eat junk that i'm not allowed to have at home and watch this on tv and play that game mom won't let me have, that tells you all you need to know from his very own mouth. Often times the kid figures out that there will be rules to follow and hey mom lets me stay up 15 minutes later than that and all of the sudden they aren't interested anymore. Also carefully consider what this will do to your life and marriage, you didn't say whether you have kids of your own or not but do you have any idea what you are REALLY in for? That sweet thing that visits is a whole different animal when you deal with him everyday.

Unless there is some form of abuse or neglect happening at his mothers house it is probably NOT a good idea. She has raised him essentially alone for how many years? (sorry but visiting every other weekend does not a parent make). Its sort of like getting laid off from your job after you have taken the company from nothing to a fortune 500 and worked your butt off for it for 20 years, that is what this feels like to her, only much, much worse! EVERY kid tries this, they are 13 and have no business making adult decisions like this. Obviously it was decided long ago that his mother should be the one to do all the dirty work of raising him, how has that changed? That is what this is about. What are you going to do when he's there for a month or so and decides he wants to go back because you guys don't let him get away with stuff? How many times are you going to allow him to play this game (and it IS a game they play, almost every child of divorce tries it once or twice). Does he have to change schools? Honestly, I thought I was doing the right thing letting my boys choose too, I thought I was being sooooo enlightened (LMAO) their dad promised them the world (he has yet to deliver on any of it and that was 15 years ago) they were miserable and unhappy and I was too devestated to think clearly but it required a change of schools so they had to finish the year with him, it was the biggest mistake I ever made and they will tell you the same thing (they are grown now). Coming back required changing schools AGAIN but my son was just soooooooo miserable, he called me in tears every single day! This is an enormous decision and will literally change who they are, please consider every possibilty very carefully and remember that you are dealing with a child, NOT a short adult! You can drag him through the court system is you want but unless there is abuse happening and you can prove it they will figure you are all getting played and will have no reason to change the custody order leaving the child in the home he has been in all along and therefore continuing stability, which is the way it should be.

Answer 6

By law when a child reaches a certain age they are allowed to choose. If the opposing party will not settle this dispute out of court, it looks as though you have no other choice but to take these extreme but yet SO VERY NECESSARY actions.

Answer 7

I dont know if she is an unfit mother and that is why he doesnt want to be there, but if she isnt and shes not abusing him emotionally or physically i wouldnt push the subject about him coming to live with you guys, but if she is and it really is in his best interest to be with you, you can go through the court systems and not drag him into it to much. hes at that legal age to where hes old enough to choose whom he wants to live with and if you go to court he can quietly tell the judge that in the chambers. best of luck.

Answer 8

In most states, the desire of a 13 year old will be heard by the judge separatelly from the parents.
she needs to really listen to the son for his reasons and support her and her ex's relationship with him.
not easy but needs to be done

Answer 9

it probably be better for the kid since he is turning into a man but he's the mom might not be ready to accept that fact. maybe you should just let her keep him for like one more year then when she see's how unhappy he is then she more than likely will let him go. if she doesnt' then you are screwed.

Answer 10

you sounds like a good step mother. let the father and mother work that out.