Any advice on how to 'get over' a miscarriage? I know I'll always remember being pregnant with him or her...

Question

but I thought someone out there may have some good advice. I miscarried In June. I was 10 weeks pregnant then. (in case anyone wants to know).

No, actually it wasn't a 'wanted pregancy' and I feel guilty about not wanting it and then losing it anyway. I did go to the dr's to 'talk' about it, but I don't think it helped too much. He just said that there was probalby something wrong with the baby and I should at least feel fortunate that I didn't have to take care of a handicapped child.

I do have 2 children already.

Answer 1

I have a 10yr old and a 12yr old and I have had 4 miscarriages. I know what you are going through. I am currently 7 1/2mths pregnant now and doing great. This made me feel somewhat better. It's very long..sorry, but I think you'll like it!

Spirit Baby

Colin, my twelve-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I’d miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery.

Stunned w hen the test came back positive, Rog and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence. At forty-one, my professional life consumed me. I’d just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I’d been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered twelve babies, and no one ever knew if or when I’d be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and Jill approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.

Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it’s a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother."

I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don’t you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don’t? I mean, you’re my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.

So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here’s how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that’s the baby that’s born. If she doesn’t get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby’s born…now listen, Mom, because here’s the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it’s always first in line. Isn’t that great?

"So you just have to get pregnant again, and you’ll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don’t, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman’s circle, and it’ll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born.

"But it’d be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?" I nodded wordlessly. "Well, that was me. Really. I’ve always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I’m talking about here, Mom."

In spite of Colin’s certainty that our household, so often bordering on chaos, lacked only an infant to make things perfect, Rog and I demurred. But Colin didn’t give up and even enlisted his sister’s support. Driving with them in the car one evening, I looked at my son in the passenger seat beside me. He stared out the side window and tried to hide his tears, but I saw the flush on his face, the shaking of his shoulders, and the surreptitious swipe of hand across cheek.

Six months had passed since my miscarriage, and I had just finished yet another discussion in which I’d told my pleading son that having a third baby at my age was out of the question. I reached over the space between us and squeezed his fingers. "Colin, I don’t understand this passion you have for a baby. Why do you want one so much?"

He tore his gaze from the distant hills and looked at me with swimming eyes and trembling lips. In a choking voice, he put all of his twelve-year-old passion into his reply.

"Oh, Mom! Oh. Just for the joy of it!"

Jill stretched forward from the back seat and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. "Yeah, Mom, just for the joy of it."

It was my turn to look out the side window and struggle with misty vision.
So, at a time when most women eye the empty nest at the end of their branch on the family tree with something approaching relief, I gave consideration to laying just one more egg. Several months of discussions peppered with doubt and disbelief followed. Although Rog and I made the final decision, there’s no denying that a big part of our decision to have a third child began with the insistence of our adolescent children that we "needed a baby in the house." Rog and I took a deep breath, looked at each other across the blond heads of those two wishful children, swallowed – and made a giant leap of faith.

I conceived my Spirit Baby a week later. Just for the joy of it.

Answer 2

oh I am so sorry for your loss...I have once been down that road. It felt like no matter what anyone said I felt I would never be the same. Yes, you will always remember that child, and you have every right to. The child was a part of you and it will always be. Try to make a memory book maybe with an ultrasound picture. Write him/her a letter and tell him/her how you felt. I misscarried at 11.5 weeks a little over 2 years ago. I now have other living children that I carried to term and delivered. Let me tell you this: only start to try and conceive again when you are ready...don't let anyone else tell you that you are. Take some time and grieve and cry. Open up your thoughts to others thru a local support group. Just know that you are not alone!

Answer 3

I don't think you really do get over amiscarriage...I myself had one a year ago then wnt through chemo and now I don't know if I ever can have children. i keep figuring in my head how old of a baby i would have now and what I'd be doing right now with him or her (certainly not on the computer I'm sure) I guess as cliche as it sounds maybe things happen for a reason. I keep in mind that if I carried to term I would not have been able to have chemo and who knows if I'd still be alive today......

Answer 4

There is no getting over it. Just putting it in prespective. Was it a wanted pregnancey? If so then when the doctor says it's ok try again. If it wasn't think of it as a blessing. I know that may sound crude but it's just my opinion

Answer 5

I've heard that if you take a helium balloon and "pretend" it's the baby that you lost, talk to it and tell it that you love it and whatever else you might want to say, then release the balloon outside and say good-bye, it helps make it more real. Don't know if this will help or not, but I've heard that it helps.

Answer 6

My heart goes out to you. I hope you will be able to deal with your grief and try again sometime in the future. Ask your doctor about support groups for miscarriage sufferers. And good luck to you.

Answer 7

This happened to me three years ago. It hurts like the devil at first. In time the pain will lessen, but of course, you will not forget it. Let go Mom, he or she is with Jesus now, how cool is that!!

Answer 8

it will be ok hun i have been in the same position as u are in and i am 8 weeks now and scared of misscarring again but all i can do is have hope and pray, thats all u have to do is pray ur next one will be ok, which it will have hope girl, hang in there

Answer 9

well, God has a purpose and a plan for your life...maybe God just needed to call his son/daughter bck home with him. maybe he wants you to settle down and take some time to evaluate yourself, and make sure if you are ready to committ to a child. can you fully commit yourself to you anyways without a baby in you life. just pray about it